spousal maintenance and cohabitation

[littlebroccoli]

I divorced in January of this year, he left me for another woman. We have two children. The court order was that he pays me 20% of his wage for the children and he pays me around the same amount in spousal maintenance. The spousal maintenance was agreed to stop should I cohabit for 1 year or remarry.

Met my new partner 3 months ago, 1 month into the relationship he was diagnosed with incurable cancer, the prognosis is not good but we are determined to beat it. At time of diagnosis it was a distressing time and naturally would not have been a good time for him to be alone. He began to stay at mine more often. He is currently on chemotherapy and pretty weak and sickly, I want to help as much as I can, feed him the right foods, keep him resting etc. He stays over about 4 nights a week. He does not contribute to food bills, mortgage, bills etc. We are not cohabiting, he continues to reside at his home.

Meanwhile my ex husband has decided that at the time of diagnosis (6 weeks ago) when DP's car was parked outside the house more often, that DP must have now moved in and XH has apparently has been taking photos of my DP's car parked outside the house (I wouldn't be surprised if he had been sneaking up every evening to check). He is clearly building a case just to stop the spousal maintenance in a years time from the date he has deemed to be the date. Without that money I would not be able to afford the mortgage and household bills for myself and the children. And now he expects DP to pick up the bill for his children.

I just want to get my DP better and do what I can to help him as often as I can. Once he does get better, returns to work etc he wouldn't be able to stay as often anyway because his work is an hours drive from my place and this would just be impractical. At that point overnight's will most likely revert back to weekends only again, until we decide to move in together properly and officially, sharing household bills etc. As we have only being seeing each other for 3 months (although we think the world of each other) this isn't on the cards just yet!

I would be grateful for any advice or knowledge on this. Thanks!

If my ex was outside my house regularly taking photographs, 'sneaking' as you suggest and intruding into my new relationship; I would consider that quite harassing and have a word with him - and then the police if he did not stay away.

With your court order - how would it be agreed that 1 years co- habitation would be demonstrated? I'm pretty sure it would not involve an ex-partner hanging around your place? Are you responsible for telling your ex when the year is reached?

Your ex is still financially responsible for his children - the court order says so and if he stops; you would be within your rights to take him back to court. He would simply build up debt with you and the court could order re-payment.

Gosh! Things have moved fast for your and your new DP haven't they? How are you feeling about things? How is he fitting in at yours? Have you caught your breath yet?

4 nights a week rarely constitutes co-habitation. And it is fairly easy to provide evidence that you are still paying for everything yourself at your place and that he has a residence elsewhere. I'm sorry that he is not well at the moment and it is understandable that you would rather he was with you than on his own.

I don't know if there is anything else that you can do to provide yourself with a financial 'buffer' in case your ex does decide to be awkward and withhold money. How are you managing to pay for the extra food/services etc that your DP is currently using? Are you choosing to provide free of charge - is there any plan for him to contribute when he is up and about again?

Does any of this help?

Oh thank you Girl. Yes really helpful, thank you.

Yes I'm rather annoyed at the thought of ex sneaking around and taking photos outside my home. I just want to get on with my life without this crap. It does feel rather intrusive, I don't like the thought of being watched. XH will do anything to get out of paying the SM, I think he deludes himself that the SM is just handbags and shoes money but it actually pays for the roof over his kids heads! He knows how much the mortgage is that I have to pay for so he is just burying his head in the sand.

How the year of cohabitation is decided I have no idea, my solicitor has said its a very grey area, but if and when it happens we intend to do it properly ie officially move in together and will wholeheartedly let XH know. DP has said when we have got the cancer beaten and that day comes he will gladly support us.

I agree things have moved on really quickly with new DP. It is totally crazy but we kind of knew things were meant to be from the word off. Then this curve ball got thrown and its bonded us even closer. The kids love him, he is such fun to be around he's brought laughter and happiness into our lives. He says me and the kids are his world and future. It feels completely natural to us two but we are conscious not to shove it in the kids faces, and we play it very cool infront of the kids.

The extra food really isn't a problem at all, its swings and roundabouts, couple of times a week he'll take us all out for dinner and often bring his own food from home (he's on a strict diet of no dairy, no gluten, no meat, no sugar, just huge amounts of veg and fruit etc)

Does your solicitor know about your current circumstances and the fact that your ex is 'monitoring' you. May help to find out your rights early - just in case.

She does Girl, and will be writing to him tomorrow. She particularly doesn't like the fact that he has said the children have told him how often DP stays.

argh - getting the kids to report back or take sides in arguments - never a good idea. Poor things! Yes, this does need watching. Good that your solicitor and you together are on the ball.

Thanks Girl, my solicitor has advised that my partner and I don't have more than 3 nights overnight...........I just want to look after him, comfort him and get him better....this sucks

I think you have two issues here. The first is the fact that your xh is sneaking around taking unsolicited photo's of your dp's car outside your house, and IMO regardless of what he thinks of your dp being there this just isn't on and could possibly be classed as harassment, but you would need to seek legal advice.

The second is this notion that your xh is seeking a reason to withdraw spousal maintanence because he believes you and your dp are now living together. I am hesitant to ask this, but do you think there may actually be more to his thinking than that? do you think he is suspicious of your dp's motives perhaps? I have to say that a new relationship followed by diagnosis of "incurable" cancer followed by need to not be alone and then declarations of how you and the dc are his world have set off massive alarm bells in my head and I'm not anywhere near the situation. If my ex brought a woman into my ds' life under those circumstances I would be somewhat suspicious and wondering if they were in fact legit.

In terms of the spousal maintanence, I would be seeking financial independence from your xh asap so you don't have this hanging over your head. Believe me I am in similar position wrt SM and truth be told I don't want to be reliant on him and would rather be more self sufficient.

Thank you Wannabe, you are right on the photographs thing its just not on. I do not think that my XH has any other motives but not to pay the SM. He doesn't know the extent of the illness nor the extent of the relationship.

I'm not sure what alarm bells you mean, or questioning the legitimacy of the situation? Seeing (yes I was with him at time of diagnosis) the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with being told by a doctor he has a year to live because he has incurable (note the lack of quotation marks) cancer is not something I would question, nor will I forget the collapsing into each others arms in the hospital room post diagnosis and comforting each other as the news sunk in. It was the most shocking thing I've ever been through, let alone him. I wouldn't wish anyone to have to go home to an empty house after receiving news like that. We were totally and utterly besotted with one another before the news, and now this has just bonded us further.

My XH has no other motives he simply wants to keep the money himself to spend on designer goods like he always did.

Yes I would want to be financially independent, I detest being financially beholden unto him. However I gave up a career to look after our children, meanwhile I supported him as his career went from strength to strength. Then he left and my current wage does not pay nearly enough to support myself and the children. Why should he not pay for his children's lifestyle?