Hi. Very confused. Left my ex about six years ago due to DV. Facilitated contact at contact centre, and contact faded away after a time as the contact available (mobile phone, letters etc) was used innapropriately to cause me distress, and upset my child. Ex has always kicked off in front of child in the past if contact was not exactly when and how he wanted it, which is not realistic all the time, and again very upsetting for my child.
Ex has always paid maintenance, but has used it as a bargaining tool, of which I took no notice. There has been some police involvement when he came uninvited to the house and was more concerned with causing me upset than sorting contact. He has not sent his child any cards or gifts or letters etc for many years. Sent a relative that I did not know to my house yesterday demanding contact, and they were unaware of the facts, and had been told that I had been stopping contact deliberately, which is not the case. They were implying that if it went to court my ex would be granted immediate contact due to this fact!
My child has had the option of safe appropriate contact, and has had counselling to help them deal with all the relevant issues, and so that she could also talk to someone unbiased about her true feelings on contact with her father.
Having spoken to the police they felt from what this relative said and the past that contact was an issue still being used to cause me upset, rather than a genuine desire to reconnect with his chid, and that it was totally the wrong way to go about arranging any contact.
Solicitors have said I would be better off writing to him offering mediation, even though my child (13) does not want any contact at present, and is not convinced that sending a stranger is a sign that her dad is serious about seeing her. Legally apparently it would be looked on favourably by the courts if he goes down that route if I did offer this, but DV workers/helplines/police said I should not respond as he is looking for a reaction and a sign that he can still intimidate me, and if he is serious about contact he will write or go to court. They felt the threats of court were more about a sense of 'punishing' me, rather than being amicable. So conflicting advice so really unsure as to what to do next? Very concerned about the negative effect of this on my child, I have always been neutral about her dad, as hard as it has been.
A friend said just let your child see him and if he kicks off again my child will know what hes like.....I don't think that's suitable at all! I don't want to subject them to that kind of behaviour regardless of whether he is her father, I would never willingly put her in touch with anyone else who used to think it was ok to assault their mother in front of them! My ex has not considered that he has not seen them for over five years, or considered their feelings.
So what to do? Anyone else dealt with this?