Parental Responsibility For Harrassing Ex?

[GirlInASwirl]

Split up from my ex four years ago after a 12 year relationship. We have a shared DS (now 11). His birth was registered in May 2003 (before new PR arrangements came in) so father does not have PR at the moment. DS lives with me full time but sees dad every other weekend.

Since the split; I would not be exaggerating to say my ex's behaviour has been nothing but toxic. I have been subjected to a significant amount of harassment for which my solicitor assures me that I have a court-worthy case. I try to raise above every day and handle the situation with grace but my patience is running thin at the moment.

In addition to my ex's behaviour towards me; I am increasingly aware of manipulation of my son to undermine my parenting decisions/rules. My ex also asks my son for information/his opinion on my decisions and then tells him that he disapproves. He also has also told my son 'if you don't like anything Mummy asks - don't do it' etc. Every area where I have asked for consistency to be in place across our houses has been flouted - some of them have serious consequences (my son having nightmares after see age-inappropriate film clips, son being verbally- abused online because internet access is not being regulated, not taking the medications that the doctor has prescribed etc).

I am trying to preserve a relationship between DS and Ex - but every time he goes for contact visits causes problems.

Letter has now come through saying that Ex wants PR. PR has been mentioned a few times before but he has not taken anything forward.

Normally; if I was in an amicable,polite and useful relationship with my DS's father I would sign a PR agreement now. But the past makes me question his motives for wanting it.

I also already give him everything that someone with PR would have - school reports, invites to appointments, consultation on decisions (which have all be used against me).

I am worried that if PR is given - he will use it to further undermine/harass me. I think he has a bigger need to control than to serve our DS.

Welcoming ideas on whether I should grant PR between us or let him take it court and counter with Harassment case/Prohibition Orders.

What do you think?

Not sure if I am coming across clear - so ask more questions if you want..

bump

There's no point resisting. He is the father, it will be granted.

Get the court worthy case for harassment just because he has PR doesn't give him the right to harass you they're two different issues both of which should be addressed

Fight or move - your choice

He's trying to alienate and undermine you. Each thing you say is not serious enough individually but added up it amounts to abuse.

If it was me (and you're not , so feel free to ignore) I would stop contact if there wasn't a court order and when taken to court I would bring all that you have said up.

I'd start separate complaint to the police about the harassment - I would never see him in public again and would not respond to emails/phone calls. I would call the police if there were threats etc - record everything

If I didn't want the fight, I'd move - hundreds of miles away

And deprive a son of his father, Laurie?

They are separate issues. Grant the PR and if you want a PSO (what do you want the PSO to do exactly?) then treat that as a separate matter.

Yes, deprive a son of his abusive and neglectful father - did you read what he does to him?

IIRC he can apply to the court himself for PR if you don't give it to him, but it sounds as though your son is old enough to decide whether to continue contact with his father (or not) by himself. No relationship is better than an abusive one.

I hope your son's OK, that's a lot for a child to go through (hope you're OK too ).

Apologies had to take a break to help DS with homework.

I don't believe in protecting the DS/father relationship at all costs. If I think that ex is emotionally-abusing my son - I have to take a stand. He does not see his actions as damaging. My DS and I have a very open relationship where I check on how he is doing. He naturally tells me about things that have been said and how that makes him feel - he is often made to feel awkward/conflicted/angry. Ex says that 'when your son is a teenager he will see you for what you really are, then you'll see what happens!'. Sounds like ex is trying to sew acidic seeds now which he hopes will alight during the teenage phase. I just reply that I have a good relationship with DS and have always been there for him emotionally.

If I thought PR would be in my son's best interest I would just say yes. Because of the harassment of us both; I surely should have reservations. I have seen my ex make decisions in relation to my son which have little to do with his childcare and everything to do with trying to trying to 'get a rise' from me/expressing his anger. This makes me question his ability to separate his childcare judgements from his feelings. He shows little interest in being responsible for DS unless he has a point to prove/an argument to win.

No - I wanted to counter-claim for example - because there has been a threat of abduction. he was late to drop DS off on Christmas day last and when I rung him; he said that he was at our local airport with DS. When I asked him what he meant by that he said it was a joke !?!

Yes he can apply to the court himself. I just don't see why I should make things easy with what he has put us through.

IF the father is involved with your son and having regular contact it is exceedingly unlikely he won't be granted PR and there really isn't a great deal of point in wasting time, energy and money opposing it.

As others have said there are other ways of tackling harassment and if necessary PR can be regulated by other orders such as Prohibited Steps or Specific Issues. Alternatively conditions can be attached to Child Arrangement Orders e.g. not to denigrate the other parent or allow children to watch age inappropriate films.

You may also consider that if he has to pay to go to court for PR, which is really a formality, he may decide to apply for other orders eg shared residence. Your argument re abduction is unlikely to be convincing given that he has had 4 years of contact without abducting the child.

What are you worried that PR will do for him? How can he use it to undermine you?

Just an update; been to see solicitor this morning. He has advised that (because of the circumstances) that I don't sign a PR agreement; but that I go for one of the new Child Arrangement Orders which hopefully will address all welfare issues, contact, residence etc in one go. Ex will have to pay to start PR process off and we can piggyback our claim on that. He is also writing a letter to suggest that he is still aware of harassment and will give examples of emotional abusive issues with DS. Family mediation is offered before court with the new procedures. Family medication did not work last time (Ex rail-roaded it) but we'll see what happens this time.

Thank you for your responses.

How's it going?