is it solely my legal responsibility to sort out school holidays?

[ptsdhelp]

Hi Im 2 years post divorce. We had a family based arrangement re the kids, as there was never really a problem.... nothing arranged by court. Ex has the kids every other weekend and three nights for dinner. He has recently started to say that it is my sole legal responsibility to sort out arrangements for the children with regard to school holidays as I am the resident parent. Our statement of arrangements was agreed with each of us having them 50 % in holidays... is he right - can he just wash his hands of this and only have the children for his set times.

Context; he has worked abroad for the previous 6 months and I have had the children 100% of the time. So he hasn't been having the kids. Hes now saying its nothing to do with him re school holidays? is this right?

You both have PR it's both your responsibility

Is he going to be having them for half the holidays? I wouldn't say it's a legal requirement, but if you can't rely on him, unfortunately you'll have to sort it out. Can you ask him to contribute to the cost? Have you got family/exinlaws that can help out?

As you ave no court order you have shared care and should try to agree it between you.

He's being knob! And he's either being ill-advised or he really is a dick.

See, I don't like men too!!

Is he seriously saying he's not going to have the kids for ANY holiday time, take them etc?

Re. legalities, again there's nothing legal about it.

At the end of the day, if he chooses to leave the kids in your care for the holidays there's not much you can do other than he grows some and sees sense...best try and appeal to his better nature, softly, softly slowly monkey...etc...

I'm not sure what his intention is really - I think its a case of if it doesn't suit him (ie gets in the way of his life) then he won't help with having the kids in holidays (or any other time, he wont swap days etc)

This blew up because I asked him to have the kids for 2 days so I can go on a training course at work. These 2 days are 'my days' so, yes I was asking a favour. But not an unreasonable one I felt in the context of him being abroad for 5 months out of the last 12. I also rearranged my working week last year so that I had the kids every weekend so he could play sport. He works 3 days a week so im not exactly encroaching on his 'me' time. this is the only favour I have asked in 18 months, and it is for work. I have no local family. he has no family at all. There is no one to help out although my best friend is amazing.

I asked him to cover my training days a month ago. I was under the impression it was no problem and perhaps he would be wanting to make up some time with his kids anyway. I find out that he has asked my best friend to have my kids because since agreeing to have them he has now made plans to go away. He has made is clear that he will not be being at all flexible and will be doing the minimum. He doesn't have them the amount we originally agreed and is now saying its all on my shoulders.

Should I take hime to mediation and get a contact order drawn up - and define how many weeks a year he has the kids?

Watching this as in the same boat.....

I actually went to see solicitor and she advised that I stick to eow and with regard to holidays tell him he had to give me one months notice. If no notice no extra time and she said let HIM take you to court as that time frame would be deemed reasonable..,.

ptsd - I would say mediation sounds like a good way to go.

He is being a knobber and what you have asked is not unreasonable.

Problem is, you can't force him to have the children any more than he wants to... it just won't work, will it? He will just dump you in it at the last minute.

Does he pay maintenance?

I might be inclined to talk to him and/ or go to mediation to find out what it is he actually wants now. It sounds like less than what you agreed, then I would look at making sure you are getting maintenance to cover childcare costs.

Oh and to answer your question - you both have responsibility to your children, and he is being an arse suggesting otherwise.

The only problem is, that in practice, it is your responsibility. This is because the children are living with you at the moment so he has to actively take responsibility for them by picking them up etc. If he doesn't he knows it falls to you.

In some ways you are stuck between a rock and hard place because you can't force him to pick them up.... and you're not exactly going to leave them to fend for themselves when he doesn't (something which I'm betting he is relying on) so you will pick up the slack, and will have to.

It's a bit of a shit situation, but in reality the only thing you can do is try to get him to agree something regular so you can make arrangements around it. I do thin kmediation is your best option for that!

thanks for your help ladies. Ive decided to assume he is doing bugger all! I have taken some legal advice, which suggests that I email him to set out times and dates for him to have the children, for holidays, so sort out my annual leave and childcare and offer him some time with the children, set the dates for him and ask for a reply at least one month before the holidays. I will continue to offer fair and reasonable access and he can either accept or decline it.

He is a knob... he is convinced he is in the right and I wont change that. Apparently he has spoken to many objective people and they think he is behaving ok too!!! I no longer care!!! if he wants to miss out on the kids then that's up to him. Personally I gain, as I will have even more time with my kids, and so to me, that's great!

Some great advice given to me this week: You divorced him for being an unreasonable controlling knob, why on earth would you expect him to be any different now?