Father under pressure for increased access

[MrCooper]

Hi,

I've recently been asked to attend mediation. Despite being split for 2 years I've maintained a great relationship with my daughter (3 years old)

I've recently been made redundant and my new job means a longer commute. This has meant midweek access has suffered. I used to have my daughter every Wednesday night and alternate Fri thru Sunday nights, with drop offs and pick ups from nursery.

I don't drive and used to work very near the nursery. Since redundancy and my new job I'm only able to manage alternate Friday and Saturday nights. I leave home for work at 7am and I'm not home til 6pm, nursery hours are only 8-6 and this is 45 min on public transport from my home.

Although I miss the extra access dearly, i'm not able to keep the access as well as my job. This change appears to have prompted my ex to see a solicitor to try and get me to commit to more access.

As I'm still maintaining a good relationship with my daughter (and paying maintenance as per the government calculator) I don't see what additional pressure could be placed on me through the legal system, but I'm wary of the path she's taking us down and the implications this could have, as well as the cost of mediation and legal advice.

Any advice gratefully received,
Mr Cooper

So by this logic - the rp should never ask for a change in arrangements if their work changes, never ask for help if they are ill or want to go on holidays etc ? Once an arrangement is made it should be till the child is 18 and there should be no variation or changes EVER as its the parents duty to find a job that fits perfectly around the arangments that have been made ?

No wonder the Divorce judge resigned as so many seam to be just a bit bonkers !

He is a parent, with parental responsibility. That means he is just as responsible for making childcare arrangements on his contact days

How can he when his ex insists he has to be the one to pick the child up? If ex agreed to someone else picking up the DC then he could arrange that.

Poor man is doing his best.

Then he needs to discuss it with her further. Why didn't HE push for mediation about it - perhaps because it was just easier to drop the contact?

I'm not saying that her stance is perfect. But certainly neither is his. I detest the idea that because a parent is non-resident, their responsibility to their child is negligible.

I don't think his responsibility is negligible BUT I agree with OPs that it's important that he has a job to support his child financially and you can't walk into a job interview spouting that you're going to finish early.
I for one have a job where I start at a particular time and (hopefully) finish at a set time 12 hours later. I often finish late, but would never be able to finish early.

Because mediation costs about £100 an hour and he didn't have a job??

We haven't been told anything about discussions he had or didn't have with his ex prior to him taking the job - people are just speculating.

His responsibility isn't negligible. He's got himself a job, he sees his child.

He's not allowed to sort out his own childcare. He's not being treated as an equal parent.

I think he should be allowed to sort out his own child care, problem over.

What ought to happen is that you have responsibility for your daughter for the same period of time but that you make your own childcare arrangements to allow you to meet that commitment. Your ex needs to drop her insistence that only you can pick up your DD from nursery (which I doubt is legally enforceable, although there may be a question over that if she has the contract with the nursery -- the nursery couldn't stop you picking your DD up, whatever your ex said, because you have PR, but they may be able to stop your nominated representative picking her up if your ex disagrees.

That's the obvious target to aim for in mediation.

Also, learn to drive (unless there's some medical reason that you can't).

Well now, what would a resident parent do when applying for job in a situation where she must be available say early on a particular day. She'd either mention it at job or make childcare arrangements. Only stands to reason that non-resident parent should be doing the same on his contact days.

If resident parent is unhappy with someone else picking up child, then non-resident parent needs to have discussion with her about why, and possibly make arrangements for any childcare to meet mum as well, so that she is comfortable with arrangement. (not a bad thing anyway, in case of emergency so mum can pick up child from childminder in case of some type of family emergency)

Alice - if he is an equal parent why the hell should he have to discuss with the RP why she doesn't want him to make his own arrangement ? The problem is that if she feels free to dictate his childcare arrangements, she does not see him or treat him as an equal parent - so perhaps why it has gone straight to court/mediation when really it should have been a reasoned discussion between them both as equal parents .

If you've actually READ my posts, I did point out that his ex needed to allow him the opportunity to get a responsible childminder to pick up the child, so not sure why you're getting irate with me over that one. As we don't know them personally, I don't know their history - no idea if he is not great about choosing responsible people to watch the child or if the ex is simply overly concerned. Again, as I said earlier, he needs to discuss it with her further.

Doasbedoneby - what makes you think this situation isn't shared caring?

As far as I am concerned ex and I share caring (although perhaps he doesn't see it that way). I see my DS as being his responsibility too, and that he lives with Ex on the EOW arrangement. Just because its less than 50/50 doesn't mean it's not shared care.

Also - I'm not sure anyone is suggesting he tell an prosepctive employer that. In my experience most employers set out expected working times, and are open to negotiation unless it business critical.

However, that's not really the point here is it. The point is that OP's ex is pushing for mediation. OP has assumed (possibly quite rightly) that it is due to the recent changes he has made due to his work. OP is wondering why his ex has taken this route and what the implications are.

My questions are valid - did OP talk to his ex about making changes? Has he tried to take her circumstances into account or not?

Also, others have asked whether he has spoken to his daughter, and assessed the impact it is having on her.

This could very well explain why she has decided to go down the route of mediation, and as for implications - it looks bad later down the line if the OP refuses mediation, but the courts won't force more contact.

My advice is that the OP tries to look at it from the ex's point of view. And then perhaps have a non-challenging discussion with her about her motives.

The stipulations made by the ex do seem to point to there being a lot more history here than the OP has shared up to this point.

However, in this case, I do still think mediation would help. If she is being unreasonable a mediation session can help uncover this.

But other posters are right - there needs to be compromise here - and it sounds like you both need to do it OP!

As Debbie says - you need to arrange childcare. For example I had to pay and find someone to pick up from school and look after the children under I finished work or do 5.30am to 9am on school days if I had an early business flight. This is not easy to do and it's very expensive for many single parents but it has to be done.

If the ex says you are not allowed to hire a child minder or nanny to collect the child from nursery and look after it then she is the one in the wrong. All working parents have to do this kind of thing. Surely if you found a really good after school person to collect and care she would not object?

It is certainly very unreasonable however suddenly to stop the childcare you used to do. If you both did that the child would be in care!

I don't think your ex can stop you using your support network to collect your dd from nursery for you and care for her til you get home. You have equal PR and when the child is in your care it is nothing to do with her who you choose to care for her (providing the person is 'safe' and you are nor putting the child in danger).
It is difficult for you but you should not drop contact because of your new commitments, just insist that someone picks up for you.

I'm on the other side of this.

ex has new job, refuses to collect at court ordered time, refuses to collect from after school club even with me paying for it.

I've been flexible and more so over the years but events have led to me not being now. so as a tactic to get what he wants he bullies and bullies me. am literally at breaking point and he hasn't seen his children for nine weeks now. not through me obstructing but because he wants a change and only his way.

my work and commitments have suffered and my children more so, he should've sorted it out before changing jobs!