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Original poster

Father under pressure for increased access

41 replies

MrCooper · 17/04/2014 17:03

Hi,

I've recently been asked to attend mediation. Despite being split for 2 years I've maintained a great relationship with my daughter (3 years old)

I've recently been made redundant and my new job means a longer commute. This has meant midweek access has suffered. I used to have my daughter every Wednesday night and alternate Fri thru Sunday nights, with drop offs and pick ups from nursery.

I don't drive and used to work very near the nursery. Since redundancy and my new job I'm only able to manage alternate Friday and Saturday nights. I leave home for work at 7am and I'm not home til 6pm, nursery hours are only 8-6 and this is 45 min on public transport from my home.

Although I miss the extra access dearly, i'm not able to keep the access as well as my job. This change appears to have prompted my ex to see a solicitor to try and get me to commit to more access.

As I'm still maintaining a good relationship with my daughter (and paying maintenance as per the government calculator) I don't see what additional pressure could be placed on me through the legal system, but I'm wary of the path she's taking us down and the implications this could have, as well as the cost of mediation and legal advice.

Any advice gratefully received,
Mr Cooper

OP posts:
nomoretether · 17/04/2014 17:09

She can't make you have more contact. A court simply wouldn't order it, especially if it's not logistically possible.

Could you have more contact with her in the holidays perhaps? Or could you ask for a flexible working agreement with work that allows you to finish early on a Wednesday in exchange for longer hours/shorter lunch on other days?

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 17/04/2014 17:15

What if you ex is working on those days as well? What if she can't make them either?

You don't get to absolve yourself of being parent and I find it very poor that you get to remove your responsibilty because it's 'difficult'.

MellowAutumn · 17/04/2014 17:39

ForTheLoveOfSocks - logistically impossible is not difficult its impossible

nomoretether · 17/04/2014 17:49

Socks - then the parents discuss childcare arrangements.

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 17/04/2014 20:19

Well he didn't discuss the change before accepting the job?

What about the additi

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 17/04/2014 20:21

Additional childcare that the ops ex may have to work out because of something out of her control.

NatashaBee · 17/04/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 17/04/2014 20:30

Who has dd on the Wednesday now? If ex has extra childcare then you need to pay really.

Better that you're in a job than not though - things change.

Original poster
MrCooper · 17/04/2014 21:06

Thanks everyone for your input.

My daughter is in full time nursery so there are no additional childcare costs.

I am open for any way in that I can help out, but with the work situation it's impossible. My ex has also stated that any nursery pick ups must be done by me in person so I'm unable to draw on my support network.

My ex was also made aware of my redundancy well in advance of it occurring, and due to the location of the nursery it would have been impossible for me to find other relevant work nearby.

I'm reluctant to pay for mediation when I don't see what I'm doing wrong or how any better solution could be found. Does anyone know what the implications of refusing the mediation could be?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 17/04/2014 21:09

What if your ex had to change her job to more difficult hours? Who would manage the nursery drop offs and pick ups then?

GotMyGoat · 17/04/2014 21:12

How about a childminder/babysitter to pick your daughter up from nursery and wait at your house with her until you get home?

It's not impossible is it? it is your contact day - which means you are the responsible parent on that day - you can't just drop your responsibilities because it's difficult, and I am very shocked you didn't consider the impact this would have on your daughter before you took the job. Parents think about these things fgs.

BigArea · 17/04/2014 21:29

GotMyGoat perhaps the OP was thinking about the impact a lack of income would have on his DD

GotMyGoat · 18/04/2014 07:29

yes - of course, as would I - but if the hours don't fit you can't take it can you?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/04/2014 07:42

I have to fall on the side that if Wednesday was your regular agreed contact day, then you should have made arrangements for that day so that you could continue. Having a difficult work arrangement does not excuse you from being a parent.

If you were a lone or resident parent, you would have to make arrangements of some sort, either by utilising a childminder or discussing work hours for that day with your workplace. Just because you are a non-resident parent, you don't get to just dump off on your contact day because things are difficult.

And you may say it's impossible, but that is a bit of a cop out. You are her parent. That means that on your contact days, YOU are responsible for her - including arranging appropriate childcare. That's what responsible parents do. Yes, it might be difficult, but impossible? So you've already explored the idea of a childminder and you've already discussed this at work and been turned down? I'd be willing to bet you've not done any research into solving it at all, other than to look at the hours and location and said "sorry, can't do it" and dumped it on the resident parent.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/04/2014 07:45

Oh, and your title is misleading. It sounds like she is not trying to force you to have more access. She is trying to make you continue the same level of contact you've always had, before you dumped off one day.

That's hardly unreasonable of her.

coraltoes · 18/04/2014 07:50

Uh - when you were offered the job did you not say "oh lovely but on weds I need to leave at 5 to collect my daughter?" And if not WHY the hell did you think it was ok for the mum to just suck up your slack?!

I'd be hauling you over hot fucking coals too. Your DD. Your access day. YOUR problem to solve.

Blueuggboots · 18/04/2014 07:51

Bloody hell people!!
This man sees his child regularly, pays child support and has had to drop ONE day because he works and his ex has said no one else is allowed to pick her up??! or did you all choose to ignore that bit??!
MrCooper - don't ignore mediation. It looks bad. Go, and explain your situation again. Ask if someone else could pick her up so you can still see her. Try and listen to your ex and look for a suitable end to this.
It's nice to know there are men out there who do bother with their kids unlike my STBXH

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 18/04/2014 07:55

Did she stay over on a Wednesday night? Or did you go to her house?
6pm seems very late for me for a contact session with a 3 year old - just wondering what the ex is expecting you to do? Especially if she won't allow your parents/relatives to look after your dd until you get home.

And those saying 'you can't take the job then' - what a ridiculous comment. If you are made redundant then a job is a job and feeding your child, in my opinion, is the priority. If OP has offered to maintain the session with support from his own relatives/friends, then I think ex is being unreasonable.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/04/2014 07:59

So then maybe he should go to mediation and discuss the issue of who picks up the child, rather than simply dropping his child contact day.

I didn't say not to take the job, but I do think that simply dropping the contact day because things are more difficult is a cop out. The resident parent can't just "drop" the child that day when things are difficult. Your day, you make arrangements. That's what a responsible parent does. Resident or non-resident.

Morgause · 18/04/2014 08:04

OP wouldn't have dropped the contact day if the ex had been prepared to allow someone else to pick up his DD.

He's getting a hard time here from some posters and it's undeserved in my opinion. Contact would have continued if ex had been reasonable.

Timetoask · 18/04/2014 08:04

coraltoes And if not WHY the hell did you think it was ok for the mum to just suck up your slack?!

This man has tried his best to keep contact with his daughter. He was made REDUNDANT, it is fantastic that he found a job but he is not in the best position to exhort for special conditions for goodness sake. He needs the job!

OP: I think you will need to get this mediation, you need someone independent from both of you to try and find a solution. In the long term, I think you need to invest in driving lessons.

Lonecatwithkitten · 18/04/2014 08:15

From my experience of mediation they will try and help you both to reach a reasonable solution. To me that reasonable solution would be that someone else can pick up your DD. When it is your contact time it is up to you how you arrange it and who collects your DD and I would think a mediator would explain to your Ex that she can not dictate who is in charge of you DD on your contact unless there is some valid reason for concern about an individual.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 18/04/2014 16:09

Funnily enough I am on the other side of a similar situation. Some of the answers might enlighten you to why your ex is looking for a better solution...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2056843-AIBU-not-to-solve-this-problem-for-him?msgid=46486672#46486672

Also, just because your DD is in nursery, doesn't mean your ex doesn't need childcare for the time you would normally have her. Your ex may have other things organised - an evening class, a late night at work etc.

Did you talk it all through with your Ex when you made the decision? Or did you just tell her it was happening and you would no longer be doing mid-week?

I agree with others that although you may be doing the right thing, and be in difficult circumstances, you should recognise your responsibilities as a parent and be looking for better solutions.

Doasbedoneby · 18/04/2014 19:27

So he should have gone to a job interview (after being unemployed) and told them he needed to leave early?

I would have thought as he's the non resident parent his priority is to get a job.

If he was the resident parent or they did shared care then it'd be different.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/04/2014 19:29

He is a parent, with parental responsibility. That means he is just as responsible for making childcare arrangements on his contact days.