To divorce or to be divorced...

[Terrortree]

that is the question.

If I were to divorce my husband or insist he were to divorce me...does it make a difference?

How does it ultimately affect the outcome assuming that the divorce is 'no fault' or 'irreconcilable differences?'.

Thanks in advance.

As far I know, it's all totally irrelevant and stupidly outdated

IIRC DP was divorced on grounds of his adultery (with me I guess). His exW was with someone else before I even met him, but she was on benefits at the time, wanted a quick divorce in order to remarry and it was cheaper for her to do it than for DP to.

No-one involved gives a fuck what's on the paperwork, we all know what happened and the kids and finances were all dealt with (and still are) amicably. But even if that were not the case, I don't think financial settlements and access issues are ever influenced by "fault". That would clearly be a total disaster area!

The obvious thing is that if you divorce him you pay the court fee and the bulk of the legal costs.

I'm sure a quick Google will also tell you that there are no such things as irreconcilable differences or a no fault divorce.

The "no-fault" facts are 2 or 5 years separation, proving the one "ground" for divorce of irretrievable breakdown.

The basis of the divorce has no impact on the financial consequences, or on children issues, although the same facts may be relevant in other proceedings.

The person bringing the application bears the court fees (£410) and any legal costs they incur, unless they agree a contribution from the other party first, or the court orders it (unlikely on a separation petition).

I divorced my ex and it was great when he got awkward and I had to get an affidavit to say he had received the papers (he admitted it in an email). He never paid a penny.

DH was divorced by his ex. It was amicable but as he left I think it helped her to feel in control. He ended up paying for it out of the settlement anyway. He had to go at her pace.

So I'd say be the divorcer.

Costs make little difference in the sense that there will be a few extra court fees you pay if you do the divorcing but that is tiny compared with the own costs of your solicitor you pay anyway so unless you're on benefits level income that kind of difference is irrelevant. If you divorce him on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour you are in the driving seat and you control the timing to an extent but don't go for decree absolute until you've agreed the finances between you and got a sealed consent order stamped by the court.

Court fees are now £410; I usually estimate costs of a straightforward divorce at around £400-£500 plus vat and I know of local fixed fee merchants charging £600 or so plus vat. So the court fees are not exactly "tiny"....nearer to half.

I divorced my ex for unreasonable behavior though he was very abusive. After getting a letter two days before Christmas stating he wanted a divorce and then almost three months on having done nothing I decided I didn't want to wait for him to decide when as he was always very controlling.

He then refused to acknowledge receiving it and prolonged the divorce. However it was still granted

I felt something odd with my relationship, I then began to suspect my now Ex was being more secretive than before.
Stuff like, I'd walk into the room and they would change the computer screen to something else, texting more on the phone than before, washing more regularly than before. Silly stuff that after the event starts to add up.

We went to couples counsellor which seemed to be all about me and why I was the one at fault. I took it to heart and agreed to take on all of the responsibility to fix the problem. All the while after the session they were texting their "new friend" for advice.

I ended up agreeing to initially amicably divorcing them. Though oddly they asked if it was ok for me to agree to divorce quicker by suggesting that I was being horrible during the marriage so we could end it quicker.
I said that I felt that was unreasonable, then during the divorce (3 weeks into the two year waiting period) I had a call from my doctor who asked me to come in as they were concerned that my partner had written to them about my aggressive behaviour.
I only mildly started to suspect something was up at this point.
Stupidly I tried to follow them to find out where they were going and they reported me for harassment.
I then find two Policemen on my doorstep who then took me down to the Police station for questioning and potential criminal conviction.
The CPS did not have any evidence to make a conviction so I was let off with a warning although the Police still have my DNA on file and a report of Harassment. Which I find unfair.
Due to all this grief I agreed to sign the quick divorce route by saying I was horrible in the marriage and controlling etc etc. Just so it could be ended quicker. I really wish I hadn't now.

A month later and before any decree nisi my now ex moves in with a new partner who just happened to be my work colleague.

It gets worse but I'll spare you the details.

My advice, agree to amicably split, it doesn't matter who initiates it, make sure everything is in writing and documented. Do not do anything that would endanger the settlement and be one your toes for devious behaviour and make sure it's also recorded.

Whatever you do (even though it's as hard as anything) do not bring any emotion into it.

Best of luck. x