Difficult family case.

[motherofanearlyfouryearold]

Hi
I am looking for some advice on what to do. My DH has a 13 year old daughter and has court ordered contact with her. When it was going through court three years ago the judge noted parent alienation.

Things have gone steady since then. A few flare ups but contact gone well.

Now 14 days ago the pwc became ill and it doesn't look hopeful.
The child is staying with the maternal grandparents. They have told my DH he cannot see his daughter and have cut off her mobile phone so he cannot talk to her.

He has PR. What does he do? In the short term and in the long term?

I think that this is the kind of situation that emergency orders are for, but I'm not an expert.
I do know that in cases of alienation/implacable hostility, the status-quo is still considered best for the DC, even if that's a consequence of the alienation - so avoiding long periods of no contact is advisable.

He goes and gets legal advice.
He has PR, they don't and cannot legally stop the parent from contact.

the contact order still applies - the maternal GPs only have 'delegated' care from the mum - so they must abide by the contact order.

I suggest:
i) a friendly polite letter explaining that DD has had regular contact and there is no reason for this to stop, it is in her best interests, and the GPs are not entitled to stop it, and suggesting practical ways for DH to collect his DD for usual contact. He might want to say that he understands how worried everyone must be about pwc's health, and asking if he can do anything to help. He should emphasise that DD needs continuity and stability, and that he will be sensitive about DD's wishes regarding spending time with her mum, talking to her during contact visits, or whatever.
ii) if that doesn't get a result, court application to enforce contact;
iii) longer term if pwc does not recover would DH apply for residence? I think he must be very very careful not to suggest that he is strying to snatch DD now that her mum is ill, but he should start to think about this just in case.

Sorry what does that mean?

which bit?

He needs to go to court to enforce the order if the grandparents won't cooperate (but he should try to reason with them first and keep a paper trail - emails, screenshots of texts, contemporaneous notes of conversations).

Sorry only been able to get back on. Its frogstarandroses that has confused me.

Iheartdusty that advice is amazing; it is very unlikely that she is going to make it. Thank you for the advice xx

The stays quo (ie the norm for the children) carries huge weight at Court. So Frogsandroses is saying even if the GP's are being totally uncooperative and making contact impossible, playing down/insulting their father to the children (parental alienation, implacable hostility are two commonly used official terms) if it becomes the norm for the children to live with them and they are settled and happy a Court is unlikely to order a total change or residency.

Basically, he needs to act now to have the best chance possible of gaining residency of the children whilst their mum is ill/if the worse should happen before living with the GP becomes the status quo.

I do not agree that he needs to apply for residency now, if that is what Mumtobe is suggesting; it would be devastating for the children's mother, just when she is ill; it would guarantee that the GPs would harden against him; it would add huge stress which DD would become aware of; it would make everything awful and it could turn his DD against him if she is feeling worried and protective about her mum.

I do think that he needs to protect his daughter's contact with him, and start to think about whether he would apply to become the resident parent if mum does not recover.

Sorry, I wasn't clear.

I think it's important that there is an emergency/fast tracked Contact Enforcement Hearing - the grandparents may be in loco parentis for the DCs mother while she is ill, but that does not change the previous findings of the court which is that the DCs should have contact as set out by the court.

Once contact has been reestablished, a full hearing to consider the long term living arrangements of the DCs due to their mums incapacitation can be initiated.

The pwc? So her mother then? Her mother is dying and all you're worried about is court orders? Have some compassion, both for the poor mother, daughter and her grandparents Daughter won't thank you in the long term for dragging anyone to court when her mother is dying, in fact she could cut contact long term herself.

cheese Unfortunately, the family court system doesn't accommodate for tragic cases like this.

If the OPs DH doesn't apply to enforce the court order at an early stage, then the sad reality is that the DC could spend the rest of her childhood without either of her parents - by the time the issue of her ongoing care falls into the hands of social services, her relationship with her Dad will be severely damaged - particularly if there are implacable hostility issues.

The court will decide if her grandparents the best people to care for her - and the court will take into account the fact that the GPs they have seized the opportunity to exclude their DGD father from her life at a time when she is losing her mum, despite a court order.

I think the circumstances require a great degree of tact in the first instance and mediation would be worth a shot. It seems generally the mother has complied with a contact order and at 13 the child's views will carry considerable weight. Initiating court proceedings against a loved parent or grandparents when the mother is very sick or dying could seriously backfire.

Stupid inflammatory advice from Frogs.

I would second the suggestion of making contact whilst taking account of the circumstances. That poor little girl. [ sad]

monet my comments have been in response to the OPs reference to the judge noting Parental Alienation during proceedings - it is incredibly rare for this to be acknowledged in court and can be taken as an indication of the severely implacable nature of the hostility towards contact by the mother.

While its possible that the court ruling may have resulted in the mother seeing the "error of her ways", the fact that the DCs GP have prevented all direct and indirect contact suggests that the alienation is ongoing.

As the OP is familiar with the family court process, I think it's fair to assume that she, like most people, recognise the benefits of mediation and informal approaches at an initial stage. I admit, I had assumed that the OPs DH had already tried, unsuccessfully, to do this. If they have not, then of course, that is the first step.
However, I think it must be acknowledged that the GP behaviour is NOT in the DCs best interests.

The problem is there is no general agreement between professionals about the definition of parental alienation let alone what to do about it. There are many reasons why children resist contact and it isn't uncommon for investigations into accusations of parental alienation to find both parents and even children themselves implicated in the problem.

For example a child might cling to a parent with the majority of care because the parent is the constant and the child feels insecure. The parent with the majority of care perceives the child is upset by contact and the other parent interprets the child's behaviour as evidence the child is being turned against them and makes accusations of parental alienation. Because there is a lack of empathy and understanding communication is distorted, the problem isn't resolved constructively and the parent with the majority of care will naturally see the accusations as provocation and retaliate.

Then there are those parents who lack tact and unwittingly bring about their own estrangement/alienation by their behaviour which is why I said initiating proceedings against a loved parent or grandparents when the parent is sick or dying could seriously backfire.

In any case it seems the mother in this case has more or less complied with the order and generally it is recommended that there be an attempt to provide mediation and information about parental alienation to both parties in a non blaming a way. Understanding of parental alienation can improve communication so the problem is resolved constructively and the vicious downwards spiral of provocation and retaliation between parents/grandparents and it's detrimental effects on children may be avoided.

BTW there is now an expectation that in most cases the applicant to children proceedings arranges a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting before the court will hear a case.