Change of contact order

[DrMagic]

Hi

Sorry in advance for the long winded post.

Divorced after marriage
13yr old boy
Deteriorating situation with ex-wife

Basically have had a contact order in place now for about 3 years. During that time I have tried to be as flexible as possible and allow my son the ability to not miss out on things due to the situation with his mother. But things have come to a head unfortunately... contact is for 3 nights and one full weekend day every two weeks, which I was happy with.

I was originally given by the courts what I asked for whilst I was living in shared accomodation pending my divorce. Once divorced I then saved and purchased my own home with plenty of extra room for my son, even kitted out a bedroom for him etc... Because my son wanted to stay at mine my ex-wife agreed to him spending every other weekend with me, which was fine with me. So from Friday Night - Sunday Afternoon and in turn he stays at home mid-week etc..

Recently though my ex-wife has been making it very difficult for me to actually have contact with my son, enticing him to go out to the cinema instead of being available for pickup etc... Even allowing him to join a martial arts class on a Sunday which directly conflicts with the verbally agreed times. I have tried to be flexible and even started dropping my son off very early on a Sunday morning so he could spend time with his friends and attend his class etc...

During the summer (august) I had a family holiday booked with my son, which was cancelled at the last minute because "he didnt want to go" this holiday was just with myself, son and my new partner, which whom he has a great relationship with. My ex-wife told me it was "tough" and to get over it when I asked her why she had allowed my son to behave as such (he was hanging up the phone when I was trying to talk to him and find out what was wrong) Turns out he was going to be "homesick" but had allowed us to sit and book this holiday to Florida and was enthuisiatic about the week away, only at the very last minute did he then cancel (last minute as in 2hrs from pickup for the flights).

Since this incident I have seen son 3 times and only once for a weekend stay over, where he went home in a huff when I refused to order him an xbox-one.....I did offer to get him one for xmas which was met with "I will ask mum". Mutual friends have remarked that my sons behaviour and attitude to others bascially stinks and that he has his mother wrapped around his finger, she even bought him an XboxOne and a PS4 in October, His mothers whole attitude is that she "cannot" force him to contact times or even answer the phone and that she is quite happy for him to treat me like dirt basically.

So my son, who has always been a good lad is now running quite wild, running about with a brand new iphone and all sorts of toys (this is before xmas!) Refusing to answer the phone, only ringing me when he thinks he is getting something or when I ask him what he wants for xmas etc...

I am at my wit's end with it all. I dont want to come down all hard on him and force him to the previous contact times but something must give, I have gone 10 weeks without contact and my ex-wife seems to think its acceptable for a 13 year old to act like this. He is a smart boy and is no doubt manipulating the situation for what it is, but I need to see him to maintain a relationship with him but it is increasingly getting more difficult with both him and his mother.

So I am trying to propose a change to the contact order so that he stays with me every other weekend and it is then written on paper so his mum can have no excuse to not have him available, how feasable would this be do you think? I personally feel that my circumstances have changed so much (have my own home now where he has his own room and bathroom for privacy) that I can justify the proposed changes to the court. But my ex-wife is being so obtuse and controlling of my son that she says she will fight it as much as she can, she has even said she cant wait for the court to interview my son so she can rub my face in it.

There are other issues at the heart of this matter, but the fact that the ex-wife has dictated for the last 3 years and treats me like a naughty child when I ask for contact with my son. She has already ruined this xmas by denying me access and telling my son she would take him away over xmas, then informing me so I had no choice to say yes or else I would be the "nasty dad" yet again. I know my son is growing and wants to be with his friends but I feel he should still be spending time with myself and my side of the family also.

I am at my wits end with it all, all I want is to be a dad to my son and help bring him up and guide him in life and I am being denied this totally by his mother and her allowing him to disrespect me and treat me like dirt. I have tried to reason with my ex-wife but to no avail she is set on widening the rift that exists :(

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry to hear about this.

The problem I think is probably as much to do with his age as it is to do with his mother's unhelpful attitude and the two will combine to produce a toxic soup. He is growing up, testing his power, and obviously shouldn't be encouraged to behave in this way.

You are also coming to the stage in his life where the court are reluctant to make orders, given his age and how difficult it would be to 'make' him do anything.

But the situation still isn't acceptable and it may be worth a push in the courts, I reckon you have about a window of another year before CAFCASS would decline to get involved, based on notion that wishes and feelings of a teenager are often determinative.

But it's a really tricky situation and sadly only hindsight will tell you whether it was right to make a stand or whether you should have just hung on and hoped he would come round.

Given the choppy waters of adolescence he may well decide to seek you out after falling out with his mum and court proceedings may just drive him further into her camp.

Sorry. It is crap I know. But the bottom line is the law cannot make unpleasant and unreasonable people either pleasant or reasonable. A lot of weight is out on court proceedings which I don't think it can handle. It is a very blunt tool for an often very delicate and complicated situation.

But I don't think your wish for the kind of contact arrangements you describe is at all unreasonable, so good luck.

I doubt legal action would achieve much tbh. Suggest posting in teenagers topic as I think your problems are 90% due to his being a stroppy bratty teen (egged on by his mother admittedly), rather than an issue over contact.

Forget the schedule, text him regularly and let him know that you love him, would love to see him, how proud you are of him etc, but also that you understand he has his own life and although you'll be disappointed not to see him you won't force him to see you if he doesn't want to. Keep in touch, get school reports etc, keep involved as much as you can.

I suspect that removing you as an easy target he wil then direct his brattiness to his mother who will probably end up begging you to take him off her hands!

Remember you're in it for the long run so don't expect immediate results.

I endorse both titchy and spero if you do want to get cafcass involved do it soon. As your sons' views will be taken into account very much, you risk him just being coached what to say . better to just keep in very frequent touch. When its your time to take him on holiday for a week or two , that's when you get time away one to one , from the current playing field where you feel like the squash court wall.