I've had to name change as this will all massively out me.
This may be long but hopefully someone will be able to wade through it and advise. I'm really desperate.
DSD is 6.5. When she was 4 months old her mother dropped her off with me and DP for weekend access and didn't return for a fortnight. She then took her back for a week before saying she couldn't cope and left DSD with us. After three months DP asked if he could put the child benefit and tax credits in his name or if XP could give him the money each week as we were struggling a lot. She refused. He contacted tax credits and she took him to court for residency. DP was awarded residency 3 times. Each time the court 'battle' was triggered by him asking her to sign over the benefits.
When DSD was 2.6 we found out that I was pregnant. This coincided with the 4th trip to court (when DS was born). DP forgot to phone back CAFCASS and so they put in their statement that they didn't feel he was responsible enough to deal with full time parenting and DSD went back to her mum. During the long court process DSDs mum accused DP of horrific things such as sexually abusing DSD (based on DSD having a urine infection), beating DSD etc (none of this was true as the court realised).
The court stated that DP would have every weekend access fri-sun until DSD started school when it would be reviewed. When she started school DP and XP agreed between them that it would be EOW and half of the holidays.
In February XP moved 100 miles away to live with her new partner. DP didn't know that he could argue this so let it happen. We do the 100 mile trip there one Friday a month and take her back on the sunday. XP's new partner does the trips in between so we still have EOW access.
DP has tried phoning DSD in the week to speak to her as he can't just pop in if ok with XP as they are so far away. XP doesn't answer the phone, refuses to respond to texts unless they are about maintencane and so far this school year has neglected to tell DP about 2 parents evenings and the Christmas performances.
We had DSD for 1 week in the summer holidays, an extra day at half term and she hasn't let us know about Christmas yet. Last weekend DSD was writing a letter to her best friend from the area she used to live. In it she wrote that she wants to live here again and that mummy is always shouting and ignoring her. DP has taken a photo of the letter. DSD says she has told her mum she's unhappy, she told her that she didn't want to move and she just gets shouted at.
When she arrives here she is filthy. The bath turns grey, her hair is greasy and her teeth are horrible. She is becoming really anxious, crying at the drop of a hat, very clingy etc. She also says things like mummy says you're stupid daddy etc.
DP doesn't want to rock the boat. Last time he tried to talk to XP about something she went mental as he returned DSD wearing a hat similar to one XP had bought her for Christmas. XP was shouting, screaming and trying to shut the door on DP as he was hugging DSD goodbye. We thought DSD had forgotten this but last weekend she burst into tears when DP went out saying that she didn't want mummy to squash him in a door again.
DSD is always ill according to her DM. When they lived locally DSD was at the doctors everytime she sneezed. She had chickenpox and was sent to us (DD was 5 days old) as XP didn't want to deal with it and told DSD (3 at the time) that if she picked her pox she would be horrible and ugly!
DP would love her here full time again. I know it's not that likely and she has already had a great deal of upheaval. He has decided that in the new year he needs to do something though as it feels like we are increasingly being cut out of DSDs life.
What, ideally, we want is half of the holidays, a weekly time that DP can phone DSD and catch up with her and just a more formal agreement. He is really gutted that he has missed her school performance and we have no idea about her progress because we were not told about parents evening. DSDs mum flies off the handle at the smallest thing and we are worried about reprecussions for DSD. I passed my driving test in June yet am not allowed to ever drive DSD in my car as XP doesn't feel I have had my license long enough. This means that my elderly FIL is having to do the trips on days DP cannot get out of work on time.
What can we do? What is best for DSD?