Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Divorce

9 replies

LadyMarie51 · 08/12/2013 06:12

I have been married for 13 years. The mortgage is in my name only, I bought the hose before we met. I am the main earner approx 2 1/2 times his salary. I work 4 hours a week more than him. We have a 11 yr old dd. He is a regular binge drinker twice a week the evenings prior to his days off. These evenings are hell for me n dd. he becomes abusive verbally, foul mouthed and derogatory about friends and family. Occasionally physically abusive too. Shouts, bangs doors no consideration that it is unreasonable and inappropriate behaviour in front of me or more significantly dd. For several years he has slept in spare room and dd sleeps in my bed (super king size). This came about because he was drunk and I didn't want to share bed with him and dd was scared by his behaviour. On days in between we can chat he can be ok and responsible but not great. My mother has recently become quite ill so I have less patience to deal with the crap nights and he has no understanding of my grief. It seems almost like jealousy that I have even less time to listen to him moaning about his work for hours. Last night horrible he thumped me in the chest in front of dd, abusive, swearing, very dunk. I have asked him to leave in the past but he won't. Home here much more comfortable than what he could afford. I don't know where I stand financially if I filed against him for abuse. Could he claim money from me? I don't want to loose our home for dd n me when he is the cause of the problem. We have lived with this situation for too long now. Dd loves him but we both hate him on the bad nights. We end up going to friends homes, out for drives to the cinema, travel lodge to keep safe and get away from further confrontation. My manager and work colleagues and friends know some of what goes on, but very difficult to tell all. I do care for him but would prefer to go it alone and keep safe and stop dd being witness to his drunk abusive behaviour. Help don't know who to turn to for advice without it costing arm n leg.

OP posts:
Joy5 · 08/12/2013 10:11

Hi LadyMare
So sorry to hear about things. I'd make a free appointment with a solicitor, you can get 30mins or an hour to get advice.
Then you find out where you stand financially. I only know about my situation, which is as the lowest earner and f/t carer for our 2 youngest sons, which is completely different to yours.
When my marriage ended 2 years ago, the only way i coped was by 1 day at a time, just do what has to be done, if i couldn't manage that i just got through the next five minutes and so on.
Ring a solicitor Monday morning, go for a chat and find our your rights.
Its a horrible situation to be in, but once you know things legally, you'll be able to work out the next step.
If it helps two years on from separation, i'm still down but coping, have started a masters in librarianship this September! Still can't believe i managed to do that, but i'm doing it. In 2/3 years time i'll be qualified to get a much better paid job, one where i can manage a mortgage. You've got that advantage right now, the better paid job.
Sending a hug, wish i could help more, but get legal advice about your situation. xx

TiredDog · 08/12/2013 10:19

No amount of financial security can offset the insecurity of living with someone like that. Please just get out and be safe and happy.

RandomMess · 08/12/2013 10:25

He will have a claim on the house because you are married but his share can be put on hold until your dd is 18 or you remarry. Those are options that you solicitor can discuss.

It is important that you use this latest physical assault as grounds for divorce under unreasonable behaviour as if it you let 6 months slip by and the violence doesn't reoccur then they will say that you've accepted it and forgiven him type of thing.

File for divorce now, sorting out the finances can come later. I assum no way your dd would want to live with him and he won't try to claim he should be the resident parent?

Carol27 · 02/01/2019 18:20

Hi everyone, does anyone have experience of the uk courts. I think it seems I have to attend next month so I'm trying to get my papers and documents ready. He did a form e financial disclosure last august after months of being asked, it was full of lies and he didn't provide statements or documents. He's been living with her since last march and they just moved again, he doesn't want me knowing his address as he is denying cohabiting. He brings home at least £2200 each month and pays no bills, there is no equity in the home which is being sold. He's 59 yet says he's no decent pension and that he and his solicitor will just tell the judge he has no money left, ow works part time too. I'm on disability benefits due to him abandoning me during major surgery, he emptied both bank accounts and took my savings before he left, even buying her gifts and jewellery with my money!! He changed the utility bills to my name within two days of leaving so there is evidence of financial and emotional abuse. Gosh when I write this its hard to believe especially the fact I still obsess about him and her and have feelings for him. I've applied for emergency maintenance pending suit then permanent spouse maintenance and a pension share but he says even after devoting 27 years to him he won't give me a penny. Does anyone have experience of the uk court system and will he get away with him and his bullying solicitor just telling the judge he has no money. Thankyou as always xx

prh47bridge · 02/01/2019 18:48

If you can show that his disclosure is incorrect the court will listen but you need evidence.

Carol27 · 02/01/2019 19:38

Thankfully I have documents and statements and other information proving he's lied at least five times and took out cards for a false business that never existed.

Xenia · 03/01/2019 12:08

LadyM, in most cases how awful one side was to the other will not affect who gest what money nor in England what you both brought to the marriage financially. My husband got about 60% of our joint assets as I earn more (we both work full time) and I could remortgage the house to buy him out with no maintenance paid by me to him.

It doesn't matter that the house is in your name or his. The starting point will be 50% each. Could you remortgage and giveh him 50% of our joint net assets - equity in the house, each of your savings less debts? You could possibly apply to get him out now on the basis of his violence, involving police etc if you think he is a real threat, otherwise he will not have to leave until it is all finished - in our case it took 7 months to negotiate the finances and then he left. You can divorce on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour.

As someone said above best to see a solicitor even if just for a one hour of advice to see where you stand in your particular situation. You may find he has a figure in mind you can both negotiate around that would be enough forh im to go without court hearings etc but make sure it is sealed by the court as a consent order and gives you a clean break with no maintenance for you to pay to him.

prh47bridge · 03/01/2019 12:11

LadyM's divorce was 5 years ago. I sincerely hope the financial settlement isn't dragging on this long! The thread has been revived by Carol27 looking for advice on her situation.

Xenia · 03/01/2019 13:40

Oh, sorry. I didn't notice that...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread