NRP missing contact-what rights do I have?

[Holdyourhobbyhorses]

EXDP travels abroad frequently for a variety of reasons and as a result misses contact with DC. I am often not given return dates which makes it difficult to support DC who inevitably misses EXDP a great deal. Plans are also changed at the last minute eg a short holiday was extended to a many months long trip.

Our usual contact arrangement is EOW and half holidays (mutual agreement, no contact order). I was reluctant to agree to half holidays fearing being let down but decided to see how it goes. Summer holidays were a disaster- EXDP refused to agree dates until right before the end of term making it difficult to arrange quality time/ work etc.

Half term also a disaster - an agreement was made then nearly cancelled due to work then put back on again then he forgot the dates then was annoyed because he wasn't happy with the dates agreed upon after all.

All this fannying around is exhausting- does anyone have any advice on how to proceed? I support DC's right to see their dad but surely this should not come at the cost of never being able to plan anything myself? I need to plan work dates in advance to fit around school/ holidays and appropriate child care where necessary. I am having to chop and change work to the detriment of my career and am unable to make plans.

EXDP has said that he's had legal advice and that his work would be taken in to consideration when it comes to contact arrangements- is this true? Surely his work should not take priority over mine when at the end of the day his maintenance payments are only a contribution to the costs of raising DC and do not cover half the actual costs?

In a situation where I am repeatedly asking him to agree to holiday dates and he is refusing can I give him dates and insist he sticks to them? Can I go back on our agreement to half holidays and reduce it in order to protect myself from the messing around?

Some other questions-

If we have agreed contact for half the holidays does he have a right to have DC for more than half of some of those holidays in order for DC to see his family? I would prefer he made those arrangements and planned ahead so that they spend time together in his contact time rather than spilling over into mine.

Do I have a right to state how long DC is emotionally able to cope with being away from me for?

This year contact has been missed by EXDP for almost half the year- can I go back on our agreement to half the holidays and reduce that time given the level of instability this has created for DC?

Any help/advice welcome, thanks for reading!

For the sake of dcs i would assume he would have them none of the holidays & make arrangements accordingly BUT if he does then say he wants to see them they can go to his rather than the childcare you had arranged. If you are on holiday with her then obviously he can't see them at that time. I wouldn't rush to the court option.

In the absence of a court order it is not about rights. It is about what you agree between you. Mediation is an option if you can't agree. You should only go to court if all else fails. But don't get hung up on his maintenance payments. The courts take the view that contact and maintenance are separate issues.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against each other. Going to court tends to cause resentment and resistance making working together very difficult or impossible. Also if you go to court it is the welfare of children that is the priority rather than parental rights. A contact order would order means you would be ordered to make the children available for contact at certain times with extra contact to be agreed between you. That wouldn't prevent your ex from cancelling or changing arrangements if it is deemed reasonable because of his job.

With or without a court order many separated parents struggle with contact and inflexible arrangements aren't particularly good for children. If you stick with it, perhaps using mediation to work on communication and persuading your ex that it's important for your child to know contact will be regular and consistent, a pattern usually develops after a couple of years.

Thank you for the replies.

I really don't want to go to court and have tried for the last four years to resolve issues around contact, have bent over backwards to facilitate it (eg changing my plans at the last minute to fit with what EXDP wants) and have encouraged / insisted that it is as regular and consistent as possible. This type of flexible arrangement does not seem to me to be in the best interests of DC.

DC is very young still and unable to cope with more than a week away from me at the moment (evidenced by summer hols where contact was alternate weeks- DC found this very disruptive and struggled going back and forth). It seems appropriate to prep DC for time away especially as an understanding of time, days, dates etc is developing. Not prepping DC creates anxiety and insecurity and I cannot do the prepping if plans are last minute or change constantly.

EXDP and I agreed that longer stretches of time with DC would be built up to, but now he is voluntarily missing the next holiday contact entirely and demanding a longer stretch in the next holidays (ie the whole holiday).

My primary concern IS the welfare of my DC- I have done everything I can to support their relationship but feel that sporadic, inconsistent contact with lots of time separated from dad then big chunks of time away from me (which is how EXDP would have it) is ultimately damaging to DC's emotional welfare.

I asked what my rights are as EXDP is always mentioning his- but exerting his rights seems to be at the detriment of DC's emotional wellbeing. So when I mention rights, perhaps a better way of putting it would be how do I best go about making sure DC is protected and put first in this?

Prh47bridge- The reason I mentioned maintenance and work is because that is used by EXDP as a reason for missing contact, and threats are made of maintenance being withdrawn if I don't comply with his demands. I would not stop DC from seeing their dad regardless of maintenance payments, I fully recognise that they are separate issues.

However, as DC lives with me I do have the full responsibility of providing a home, clothes, food as a bare minimum and messing me around re contact affects my work, EXDP knows this. Is it really ok for one parent to miss contact for work reasons if that then impacts on the other parents ability to work and earn? Is that how a court would see it? I am not asking because I wish to go to court but because court has been threatened by EXDP and so I would like unbiased advice on how to continue to act in the best interests of DC.

Surely it is not reasonable for one parent to not know if they are coming or going, to not be able to live their life or make plans (obviously this impacts DC too) when the NRP misses so much of their contact time?

No there aren't really any advantages for me here. EXDP disappears, no date given for return then turns up and expects DC to be available, I'm told I'm not allowed to keep any existing plans made (only made because he was away with no indication of when he'd return), that he has rights to see DC and that contact must be prioritised. The joke is that I DO prioritise contact.

In this situation how is flexible contact best for DC? Surely a fixed arrangement would eliminate conflict? Eg he knows in advance what his dates are for seeing DC, he can choose to keep or not keep contact. I can plan my quality time with DC and know when to have backup child care in place. It would be obvious where weekends would pick up if they were on a set schedule.

Is this not a sensible solution in this type of situation?

STIDW - `Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against each other'

Can't disagree more. It's something that I've seen RPs (and their legal representation) assert when they are attempting to minimise or prevent a child having a relationship with an NRP - `Nothing can be done I'm afraid' being the attitude.

Good contact is certainly more difficult when the RP is failing to consider their child's best interests - but if the NRP it is possible. NRPs can deal with schools, doctors, etc. without having to rely on the RP and seek court orders if she (in most cases) refuses to coparent.

It's something I have managed in my own situation. Minimal cooperation, zero communication and my son with me 40% of the time. It is possible.

Lonedad, it sounds like you have lots of experience dealing with contact arrangements and the system in general...what would you do if your ex missed lots of contact with your DC (eg half the year) and wouldn't commit to dates thus impacting your work, finances and quality time with DC?

Gender should be irrelevant here as is quantity of time with each parent , it's the commitment that is the issue. What would you do?

My ExH has never stuck to the contact order he obtained in court.

He wasn't denied contact. He just wanted to 'see me in court' (literally). I didn't oppose the contact order. In court I didn't look at him; I didn't acknowledge him. He took me back a 2nd time and even his barrister was embarrassed.

Anyway, apparently there is nothing I can do about him ignoring his own contact order. He just doesn't pick them up on the Fridays when the court order says he should.

I have to suck it up and so do the DCs.

A certain amount of flexibility is encouraged, but you don't have to bend to breaking point....quote unquote my solicitor.

It is fine to set out the dates when you both expect contact to happen, to be prepared to make DC available but to plan your own life for the other times. You are not obliged to make the DC available at other times but obviously for the DC sake you would choose to do this when it does not conflict with your work or plans you have made.

It seems from your OP that your Ex has a deal of control over your life at the moment and after 4 years shows no sign of becoming more reasonable. I think it is time for you to approach your relationship from a very business-like angle, with built in boundaries that you know it is reasonable to enforce. Don't be tricked by the "unreasonable" label...it is not unreasonable to have good firm boundaries and to prioritise appropriately. It is a good lesson for your child too, people, whoever they are, do need to respect your yes and your no, their future relationships need this in place, not do anything to keep X happy.

I would set up an email folder and tell your ex that all contact arrangements will be set out by email (keep good records) and agreed in outline X months in advance, may be requested to change up to Y weeks in advance. Make your plans and don't change them unless it really is for all your best interests.

You can't change him, you can only change your way of dealing with him. being uber flexible hasn't worked and you DO need a life and your DC need a functioning mother and to be provided for (and preferably a father too but that is for him to sort out). Change the way you deal with him . If necessary mediation may help you to set appropriate rules, but it won;t make HIM keep them.

good luck

You can't change him, you can only change your way of dealing with him

Spot on.

Thank you Fool, wise words indeed.

I have insisted on email only contact for some time now which has helped (no verbal abuse, evidence of what's been agreed if he tries to rewrite history or forgets to turn up for contact etc). But he's now insisting that he won't share any information with me unless I speak to him on the phone so we're in a stand off big sigh

Him being unreasonable does not mean that you are wrong. And when someone makes a stand like that you know it's just because they want to confuse the issue.

so wearing

have some

Have you tried mediation?

No, haven't tried mediation. I'm not sure how someone can mediate effectively when one party tells whopping great lies on a regular basis?

Thanks for the advice and understanding Fool

Mediation only works when both parties are willing to negotiate and be reasonable. When at least one party refuses to compromise it won't work.

When it comes to court you are expected to have attempted mediation in theory. In my experience however the worst that will happen if you fail to do so is a mild ticking off or the judge ordering mediation take place.

As a result of the changes in legal aid mediation is dying - mainly because you needed to attempt it to get legal aid. Now there is no incentive for a lot of people and no negotiation. Even to the point that when I act as a McKenzie Friend and speak to an unrepresented ex she (usually a she...) will refuse to agree to anything at all, leaving it to the court which means things take far longer than they need to.

It's only going to get worse.

I agree mediation will only work when both parties are willing to negotiate and are reasonable. However separated parents are only human so they don't function at their best and I'm sure if most of them were honest they would admit to saying or doing things which were best left unsaid/undone. There is a cliche that in family cases everyone lies. That might be an exaggeration, but emotions are such that separated parents often have difficulty with understanding and interpreting where the other parent is coming from so their are two versions of the same "truth." It's rather like going to a film with someone and afterwards disagreeing about parts of the storyline.

A good mediator can sometimes provide information and diffuse the situation after a few sessions so that parents can better understand where each other is coming from. In the first instance providing information and meditation is more likely to achieve realisation than blame or going to court which leads to resentment and resistance and a hardening of positions. If communication can be improved the problem and future problems can be resolved constructively and then there is less likelihood of getting into a vicious cycle of provocation and retaliation and the detrimental effects on children which are well documented can be avoided.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against each other because children learn by example from their natural parents. It is heart breaking to read so many court cases were the children are found to be damaged. When there is no understanding or empathy between parents communication becomes distorted and the children will tend to grow up with low self esteem and that leads to problems in later life also such as teenage pregnancies and dysfunctional adulthood relationships.

I can understand the frustrations of irregular and inconsistent contact, I was in a similar position myself. I agree with foolonthehill you can set some boundaries and if contact is agreed in advance and you have made arrangements at other times you shouldn't change if it isn't convenient. What you can't do is force your ex to turn up when contact has been agreed/ordered and it's far less frustrating once you accept that and plan accordingly. What your daughter really needs is at least one parent to forgo the determination of "who is right and who is wrong" and help her feel as secure as possible about both her parents.

As things stand - with the non-resident parent having to demonstrate that contact is in the best interest of the child rather than there being a presumption there is precisely no reason a resident parent who wishes there to be no contact to participate in mediation.

I mean - why would they? They have the power to prevent contact and know that attending mediation will (from their point of view) at best mean nothing changes and at worst results in contact taking place.

It's why organisations like Families Need Fathers seek a starting point presumption of equal contact. At this point it's opponents usually deliberately miss the point and say that `50/50 is not usually in the child's best interests' (I've heard this said repeatedly by one politician who is a barrister by trade in recent years) in a straw man argument.

Before the changes to legal aid people went because they had to go to get funding. Sure...they had no intention of actually negotiating but they had to make a show - all they had to do was refuse to compromise/discuss/get upset', collect their FM1 form and Hey Presto!' free legal assistance.

Now there is no incentive to go to mediation and very few people go.

Recent experience of family courts I'm the partner of a NRP asking for contact order. Other way round in terms of residence, but judge's and CAFCASS comments may be interesting for you. They both heavily emphasised the importance of regular, planned contact for the children and their development, and expressly stated that they were concerned about the impact that not having this was having on the children. They also identified as a risk the inability of the parents to communicate. So these things are taken very seriously by the family courts, if it were to come to that - from where I'm sitting, your desire to have regular, reliable contact time is very valid.