Shared parenting with an unreasonable parent

[doyourworst]

I am divorced from DCs father. We have a 50/50 shared parenting order in place. He is difficult to communicate with and unreasonable. Couple of recent examples include my asking him if he would like to take care of DCs for an extra night when I had to be away for work. He asked what the "terms and conditions" were. I replied asking for just a yes or no (I had no terms and conditions - I was simply asking the children's father if he would like an extra night with them!!). So he declined because I was not prepared to engage in a discussion about it. Second example being DD needs dental treatment. The next available appointment at the dentist happened to be on his time in the Christmas holidays. He won't allow me to take her to an appointment on his time (he would have to organise time off work, whereas I work locally to DD's school and dentist so could juggle my hours to accommodate appointment). The next available appointment on my time is during school hours so I have to remove her from school.

He has delusional beliefs about me that aren't true - that's why we're not together anymore - and this makes any negotiating/discussing/communicating with him extremely hard work. The exchange of messages over the dental treatment were confusing, had me going back and forth to the dentist and waiting for him to respond, and resulting in DD losing school time. She is only 5 and has a little brother who's 3. If it's still this difficult sharing the parenting with him after 2 years when they're this young, I can't imagine what nightmares lie ahead as they grow up, become more exposed to risk, join more clubs, etc... I'm wondering if it would be better for them to be with one parent during the school week and we alternate weekends. We both work full time, but my work is local whereas his is a 30-45 minute journey up the motorway.

Would I have a case to ask for a change to the parenting arrangements and if so, what would the costs and time frames be?

Bump

Before considering court you should try mediation.

What Colloborate says. Court is a last resort.

Don't bother trying to reason with an unreasonable ex. `Manage' them because there is not much else you can do. I am in a similar situation. My son is with me 40% of the time (a 15 hearing, 5 year case) which was extremely acrimonious and my ex refusing any communication and any contact. The case finished a year back now and it's settled down. She communicates with me only when she has to (and even then sometimes not then). I assume she's not going to help and she never fails to disappoint on that front and work around her.

It undoubtedly disadvantages our DS but I know from experience there is nothing I can say or do that will change that.

My point is that you do the best for your DC and let your ex do what he does. If he's unreasonable court won't make him reasonable. Work around him. If he's unreasonable he'll play games and try to put you in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. When this happens (and it will) ask yourself `What is in the the best interests of the DC?'...and act on it and forget what your ex does or says because that isn't as important.

I'd recommend you join FNF. Alongside other stuff it provides a good deal of support for separated parents who have this sort of problem giving practical tips and support. We have an increasing number of mums (including resident parent ones) who are the in the same situation who go away feeling it IS manageable.

Good luck! [gtin]

Thanks. :) What's FNF? Sounds like I might get a lot out of that.

FNF = Families Need Fathers. Despite the name they help both mothers and fathers.

Thank you! :)

I agree with lostdad - I am a retired social worker and sometimes did assessments in these private law cases. I think it's not at all unusual for one party (sorry ime it's usually the father...) to be unreasonable. The thing is there is no longer legal aid available for these private law cases any more, and so if you wanted to get back into court you would either have to pay a lawyer (big bucks) or represent yourself. To be honest what you have described is pretty much par for the course.

The thing that concerned me was the fact that he has delusional thoughts about you. Does he have mental health problems. Delusions are a symptom of a serious psychotic disorder and that would be a real concern in relation to his care of the children.

I didn't realise FNF helped mothers too, so that's useful to know.

Hi NanaNina. It's difficult as he won't get himself assessed (of course, because he's never wrong ). I left him because he kept accusing me of having affairs, which got progressively worse over the years of our relationship and subsequent marriage, culminating in planting a tracking device in my car and following me around when I was on maternity leave. We are now divorced and I don't have any issues with him being a physical threat, but the way he communicates with me continues to be underpinned by suspicion, mistrust and paranoia and the tone of his written communication is somewhat "headmastery". So, I guess the question is "Is it some sort of delusional paranoid disorder or is he just a misogynistic, controlling twat"?

The kids seem to be fine, but at 5 and 3, I wonder if it's too early to tell. My eldest seems overly emotional at the moment, and my youngest can have quite unreasonable, angry outbursts at times, but this could all be quite normal for their age!

NanaNina - I think around a third of our members are female. We have mothers resident and non-resident, but also grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters, etc. as members and who turn up at the support meetings and work as volunteers. We had a female chairman for a long time too.

In fact at a meeting last night one of the ladies there was a grandmother who is a social worker for children's services who is denied any contact with her grandson because it's been alleged she's a danger to him...

It's a crazy and sad world.