she stopped me seeing my kids

[icewind]

Hey there,
I am new to this so hopefully you take it easy on me if I make a mistake :)
I have 2 kids with my ex partner and I was seeing them both and paying child maintenance for them. However 4 weeks ago she stopped me seeing them because she decided despite the fact me and the kids have a great time that I am not being a good enough dad. I have never let them down or hurt them in any way.
I went to a solicitor to seek advice and got referred to mediation. Now after that I feel let down and I have no idea what I should do now.
From the first moment I went in there the mediators bent over backwards for her because she wasn't interested in negotiating. It felt as if all they wanted was to say that this session would be a success no matter what happened. She kept answering suggestions with "I don't care" and "I'm just going to go to court" so they basically cut down everything to barely anything just to make her say yes.
Despite all her lies and twisting things she got it so that I have 2 hours of supervised contact every 2 weeks. Supervision isn't something I need as I am a great dad and everyone tells me I am. I am also used to seeing them 1 and a half days a week but as she now doesn't want me to be part of the boys lives she has made sure I have barely anything.
I am grateful to be able to see them again but I have been given no assurances or even a hint that this will ever change because she doesn't want it to.
My dilemma right now is should I accept what I am given and hope for the best. Just hope that she doesn't go back to messing me around or stopping me again. That I should only see the boys for 2 hours under supervision with nothing in places for birthdays of xmas ( because she didn't want to discuss it at mediation as she wasn't bothered) The other option I can think of is to go to court to try to get something closer to what I really feel I deserve. I feel very let down by the system trying to meet statistics rather than actually trying to encourage proper dialog.

Any help or comments are greatly appreciated as I would like some fresh opinions on this.
many thanks in advance and sorry if I have left out some information you might need. just ask. Like I said I am new and a bit emotional due to the circumstances so forgive any mistakes I may of made

Supervised contact?

Have you been violent to your kids or ex?

Are you a drinker? Drugs? Criminal record?

They don't just order supervised contact for no reason.

No you dont accept it.

You get s solicitor and fight it.

Go to the supervised access and jump through ang hoops they ask you to.

Once it eventually gets to court a judge will see you have been doing your best and hopefully give you some proper access.

My bil has recently been through the same thing and it has taken a year for him to get regular access.

Supervised contact exists to protect children from potentially or actually dangerous parents or when there is a need to rebuild or even start a relationship.

If you don't fit into those categories - and on your account you don't - this sounds ridiculous.

I would write asking for direct and unsupervised contact to resume ASAP, overnight if you have decent contact and for a clear explanation if this is refused.

If you get no where, take it to court. Look at the Families need Fathers website for help and support but please do NOT touch Fathers for Justice with a ten foot pole.

Sorry, decent 'accommodation' not contact...

Unfortunately they do reality ive seen it more than once.

If what the op says is true it seems like the supervised was the only thing the ex would agree to. Not thst it was court ordered.

I haven't been violent and I do not have a criminal record. No drugs or alcohol.
I haven't been ordered to do supervised contact. It was the only contact I was offered through mediation as it was all they offered her that they convinced her to say yes to. I offered many different things but they were rejected flatly along with a you will have to go to court. I had to say yes just to be able to see my kids again. She really doesn't like me and told me she wishes I would just move away.
I will do anything for those kids and I hope that the supervised access will give me something to use in court. I am glad to hear that despite it taking a year that regular access was granted to your bil. Gives me hope that maybe I can use this as a means to an end to get what I feel is a much fairer outcome for me and most importantly those boys. I miss doing all the crafty art things with them and I don't know if I will get to do things like that at the centre.

If you pose no risk to these children, either physically or emotionally there is no reason or justification for supervised contact.

It is also supposed to be a short term solution. What's the exit strategy here? If she is saying supervised for a few weeks I would suck it up, but if not, go to court.

Oh I am sorry, I misread (tired and on phone).

You have to get some good legal advice and then go to court for whatever amount of access/residency you feel would be most suitable for your children.

Try here for a local family lawyer.

www.resolution.org.uk/

I only have direct experience of what bil has been through but his was slightly different in that his ex refused all access at first. Went to court I a few monthsand he was given susupervised as it had been a while since he saw the dc (v.young). After that we was allowed to have them alone for two hours but it had to be in an agreed location (soft play place) that for another few months thn he was allowed E.O sunday for 4 hours.

Just last month it went back to court and he got E.O sat-sunday over night and every sunday all day. Also had plans put in place for birthdays Christmas etc.

Keep at it. It will be worth it in the end.

Omg that maked no sense!

I feel shattered so am not going to be judging anyone for miss-reading. It took me a massive amount of time just to get my first post on screen.
Unfortunately there was no strategy in place for going forward as she didn't want to talk about it so it entirely up to her. Which going on past experience doesn't bode too well for me at all.
I am reassured to hear that the centre could still let me do some of mine and the kids favourite activities together though. I don't intend to miss any time with the boys regardless of how long or where it is.
Thankyou for all this advice. It is good to hear the options and certainly the good points that my situation can give me when I go forward.

Contact Families Need Fathers. Google them, phone them, join them. You will find out that there are 1000s of people in the same situation - and they have seen it, done it, got the court order.

If it comes to court, consider a McKenzie Friend. They are not solicitors, but can do many of the same things at the fraction of the cost. Make sure you get references and talk to them because they are good and bad like anyone else.

Will post more later - busy at the moment. PM me if you need to speak to someone urgently though and I will put you in touch with someone who can help.

OK, right. Read it.

First of all except any contact offered. Fail to do so and if/when it goes to court it will be stated that you refused contact with your children. Keep your nose clean, be positive and be child-focused. Do not argue with the ex. If she attempts to provoke you do not under any circumstances react - it will be used against you. If you are arrested do not accept a caution `just to get it over and done with' because doing so is an admission of guilt and that will be used against you in court. If you are arrested, ask to be charged or released. Don't refuse a solicitor either on the grounds of you not having done anything wrong (I know people who have done this and regretted it).

Keep a copy of any communication with her and record conversations (no - you don't have to tell her and it's not against the law). Keep a diary of what is going on. Buy an A4 notebook and use a page or day. It may come in very useful if you find yourself up against lies.

As mediation has failed get an FM1 form from the mediator. If they won't give you one or try to charge you for it you can get one and do it yourself. Get a C100 form - fill it in - with the help of McKenzie Friend or a solicitor. Go to court (the nearest one to your ex and make sure it is a county court and not a magistrates) with cash and make your application.

Don't think I will leave it and see if it gets better'. Do that and the status quo grows and the stronger your ex's argument will be He hasn't see the kids for a long time so he needs to be reintroduced to them slowly' - and in any case you can expect court cases to move slowly...a hearing maybe in 6 or 8 weeks (or longer) and mum to refuse to agree to anything and/or make allegations that then require a CAFCASS report that takes anything between 3 and 6 months and a judge who won't make an order on the grounds that `consent orders work best'.

This is all pretty grim, true - and to a certain extent a worst case scenario. On the other hand there are things that you can do. I deal with this sort of situation on a daily basis and be comforted by the fact that your problem is a familiar one that can be remedied, although it is hard work.

Good luck.

And the golden rule is, whatever the ex does - stay child focused.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other. Going to court tends to leave parents feeling resentful and resistant making working together difficult or impossible. If you stoop to the level of recording conversations it is guaranteed that working together anytime in the future will be impossible.

When there is a lack of understanding and empathy communication is distorted, problems aren't resolved constructively and a cycle of provocation and retaliation develops. The point of mediation is to improve parents' understanding of each others position and communication so that problems can be resolved positively and they can work together.

So you may have more success with contact if you try to address why your ex-partner feels you aren't being a good enough dad or why she says she doesn't care and wants to take the matter to court rather than focusing on the contact you think you deserve. Of course if you are handling the situation as sensitively as you can and your ex-partner is using the children as a weapon against you that is her issue and there is little option than to involve the courts.

STIDW - `Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other.'

Not sure I would agree with that. It helps undoubtedly. Admittedly a really determined parent who is prepared to make allegations and/or alienates the children to prevent contact can cause severe problems but there are ways around it.

The Children Act was envisaged to make shared parenting the norm (before Butler Sloss gave directions to the contrary) and there is case law that states that SRO's etc. can actually help in intractable cases making it clear to both parents that they are of equal status - while one of them is seeking to diminish the other.

The best thing someone in the OP's situation can do is never give up - a NRP is often in such a position of weakness, with the status quo being with the RP who (if they don't value the input of the other parent) can simply cause problems.

The problem is children learn by example and if the communication between their natural parents is negative and distorted it is well documented that children cannot learn to relate to others and grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later such as their own dysfunctional adulthood relationships.

That may be a lesser evil than children loosing contact with a parent altogether but it is hardly desirable and can make SROs a hollow victory.

Agree that you take all and any contact offered, turn up on time, don't try and involve new partners and of course never accept a police caution unless you really are guilty and could be facing prison.

But I would be really, really wary of going down the route of recording your ex. That doesn't exactly promote you as a healthy non obsessive individual.

The points made about healthy communication are good and true and I agree with them. I also accept that sometimes you can't model good communication with a lunatic ex, but equally you don't have to travel down the same path of lunacy with them by starting to record them.

Most judges won't like that at all.

It is not obsessive to record. It is a sign of feeling threatened and intimidated.

Were one to go in to a court and allegations were made from the other side then it's your only defence. When allegations are made although they may get due prominence in the beginning the time it takes to disprove(or worse have to accept them as fact) invariable lengthens the case and therefore harms the child - especially where contact is being denied.

Lostdad is suggesting recording as a defence mechanism only to be produced(transcribed) in court should any 'serious discrepancies' arise from the other side and not as your own evidence.

Communication is great between two people when two people are rational and child focused.

You make a fair point Spero. Recording is not something that under `normal' circumstances should be a consideration and it's usually better that it doesn't happen.

I have known judges to get angry when they have heard that recordings are made - and to tell people not to (even though there is nothing to stop them doing so from a legal perspective). I have also known judges (well...most of them) who will refuse to listen to recordings. On the other hand there is a greater chance they will be more amenable to transcripts and it is far from unknown for a solicitor stating their clients' allegations to back peddle when the other party has proof to the otherwise.

There's actually a positive side to recordings too: If you are recording the other party and you think you may have to rely on them at some point it tends to make you think before you speak and to be more measured.

I'm coming at this from the position of a NRP - courts who won't make or enforce orders, relying on the weight of the status quo and the `balance of probabilities' meaning it is easier to not change anything than it is - often when there is no or merely derisory levels of contact. It's a sad necessity for a lot of people and is only a reflection on the way courts work - a lesser of many evils IMHO.