Ex smacked DD

[newbabynewmum]

My DD is just 3yrs old. Split from her dad when she was 2 months old due to violence in the relationship. We used a contact centre & have been to court 4 times. Things have improved and he has her overnight once a fortnight although we are flexible & I do let him see her more frequently than this.

Today she has told me that he shouted at her & made her cry when she had a wee accidentally the other day. Then later on she was playing with her doll & told me that she had smacked her. When I questioned her about how she knew the word smack she told me that her Dad smacked her because his girlfriend didn't want to hear my DD making a silly dog noise again and again.

She is supposed to stay overnight with her dad tomorrow. I don't know what to do. Can ex's smack children even if I don't want him to? The reason I left was to protect her from his violence (which he lied about and said didn't ever occur in our relationship) - but now after feeling comfortable with his behaviour for a long time now I am panicking and worrying. Her behaviour has changed recently - she has started to hit me which never happened before & has been much more angry and aggressive.

Sorry this is so long I just need some advice. Thanks x

My gut reaction is that I would do everything in my power to see that he never had her without a supervising adult again

but others will have better advice on how to achieve this

awful for you, I can't imagine how it must feel to have to send your little girl to somebody you don't trust

It is not against the law for a parent to smack a child.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. He is her parent, smacking is not illegal, and he's entitled to discipline her as he wishes.

Sorry :( I know that must be really hard to hear, and poor DD. The fact of him shouting at her for having a wee accident is more worrying legally, because this could be classed as emotional abuse, but again, as a one off I don't think you'll get anywhere.

Thanks Greensleves. I am waiting for my solicitor to ring me back. I have asked him about it & told him that I don't want him to see her tonight - his response was that he's ringing his solicitor and will see me back in court.

RedHelenB - I know it isn't against the law to smack. But it is the worry about what this will lead on to knowing his previous behaviour. It is the reason that I left him when she was 2 months old, and why we have been to court/used a contact centre so much in the past.

It's true that smacking isn't yet illegal unless you leave a mark (nice) but it is certainly heavily frowned upon. If you are known to smack your child then school/nursery will log it and monitor for further concerns. And smacking a just 3yo for a wee accident or for making a silly noise would be regarded as inappropriate by SS, NSPCC and education/health professionals - because it's a vile thing to do

Don't back down OP. He's in the wrong and your dd deserves better.

I can definitely and clearly see your concerns. But the law will not. He has not done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, so this is down to a disagreement in parenting methods between the two of you.

It would be nice if they would look at the evidence and build up an overall picture, but no, you have to wait until something happens (and then prove it!) before you can argue for supervised contact or anything else.

Honestly, you won't obtain supervised contact over this one incident. In my experience the best thing to do (although it is counter-intuitive) is to play along with him and facilitate contact, if you don't fight him, he will probably eventually get bored and move on anyway. If you start threatening court and custody battles, then he will probably hang on even tighter just to prove a point.

Can I reiterate this is just in my experience/opinion. I'm not trained and I don't know the ins and outs. But this tends to be the pattern.

I am not saying it is right that he does this but as it is not against the law then I can't see how it will form a basis for stopping contact UNLESS, as has been stated, it leaves a mark (and I really hope that doesn't happen)

Oh my goodness what a horrible situation for you and dd to be in.

What would happen if you spoke to ex about it?

I have spoken to him about it, he has denied it & said "see you in court" which is his gut reaction to anything I say that he doesn't like. The way that she told me using her doll etc means that I utterly believe her. I'm at a loss at what to do next, I think I'm going to try to get some (cheap) legal advice. It's very frustrating because I do feel that legally I basically can do nothing. Thank you all.

Newbabymum- So you've told him he can't have overnight contact with her this evening because of the smacking incident?

I can understand why it upsets you (I wouldn't want anyone smacking my children either) but as others have said he is entitled to discipline her as he sees fit, within the law, so it's not a reasonable thing to stop contact for. If he does apply to Court it's not going to look favourable on you for refusing contact and may even look as though you are trying to find reasons to stop overnight contact.

It is one of those things that will be considered "difference in parenting styles" just because you don't do it or don't agree doesn't mean he can't or has to follow how you parent.