reasonable access for staying contact

[Mimibellatree]

I am really keen to gain views of other mums about the issues I have.
My husband and I separated nearly two years ago and have up until recently had equal amounts of time with the children. I have three children girl 9 boy 7 and girl 3. My children have some health concerns namely ceoliacs disease and lactose intolerance. I have always been concerned about the time split we have and only agreed to him having the children for half the time as I felt under pressure to to do.
I have since been in lengthly email discussion with him regarding this and he is maintaining that the children should stay with him for 50% of the time and outlining a block of 5 days where I would not see my children at all. I have suggested two nights in the week Mon and Tuesday and every other weekend as being reasonable and over 14 nights would see him with 6 nights staying access and 8 nights with me.
He claims that he has equal responsibility and is also the primary care giver and that we are to call both houses their home. While I understand that this is his right as a parent and that this seems fair I can't help but feel concerned for children having to divide their time and home between two houses. I feel that the children should have a base that they call home. I think as a adult I would struugle with this.
I am always the one who takes the children to the Doctors, dentist, hospital, hair appointments, buys the school clothes, fills in forms and generally deals with most of the practical aspects of being a mum as I have always done. I am also the one who takes days off work to look after them if they are unwell. I think in two years he has taken a morning off to sit with a poorly child.
While I feel that he is a good Dad I do feel that he misses a lot about the subtle changes in the children that as a mother I notice and he certainly never picks up on the little ailments the children have. The obvious ones like coughs and sickness are cleary noticed.
I am really concerned about the impact on my childrens emotional health if they are to be forced to have 5 days separation from me. I believe that children need to have emotional and physical contact with thier mother if she is avaliable for that. I also believe that as my children grow older and particularily my girls it is important for them to be with their mum. I'm sure that they can make choices for themselves as they become teenagers.
I have asked a solicitor to support me in my conflict and I am worried that I will end up in court essentailly over one nights access for him, This is not what I want for my children as the eldest two are old enough to be asked by the courts for their opnions.

I know that he will then be in the position of have 5 nights away from the children should my access request be upheld.

My solicitor has suggested we seek mediation however I am really concerned that I will be beaten down again and feel under pressure to go with what he wants rather than what I feel is best for the children.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and please let me know your thoughts.

Mimi

I have had a 50:50 care arrangement with my DD's Dad for over 4 years, from aged 8; she has always done 1 week at each home - the day we have changed over has altered to suit various activities, but the principle has always been that she has two equal parents, two equal homes.

I had ample grounds to restrict my exH contact with DD to begin with, particularly if we had gone to court - but I chose not to, despite what some would consider a risk to her emotional welbeing, because I knew she would benefit in the long run. I monitored the situation and ensured she had to skills to handle situations she might face.

It took her a while to settle into the routine and there are regular hiccups as she gets older, requiring mediation or (more recently) open discussion between us.

It worked for us -just because she's not in my care, doesn't stop me being her Mum and she often rings, pops in or texts while she's with her Dad to remind me of that!

Why should it be any worse to have 5 nights away from you than from their father?

The fact that you have girls is irrelevant

The starting point should be 50:50

That being said, if the dcs are ill or have appointments during his time then he should be the one taking time off to sort it out

I think you should listen to your solicitor regarding your chances of success. I have to say I find the notion that children should necessarily be split 50:50 like a possession really alarming. Is that how YOU'D like to live your life as an adult, with not one set home but two, and constantly moving between two bases? I wouldn't, in fact I would absolutely hate it.

There's no doubt it works for some children and in some situations, but it is NOT clear that this is the best solution for all. And that does not mean that the parent with more residency of the children is necessarily trying to deny or minimise the relationship with the other either.

Thoughts I have from your post are that yes, I agree that it won't be regarded as being an issue that girls should have more time with their mother, I do think it's important that basically you are performing all the tasks of the primary carer but in only half of the time available. At the very least, that is not fair.

If you have felt beaten down before, mediation may well not work but if you are going to take it to court you should try it first to show willing at least. Is there a way of altering the schedule such that neither parent has 5 nights away?

Reasonable' for who? There's no legal definition of reasonable'.

Contact is for the children - not the parents. Which means any decision you make should be with their best interests at heart.

50:50 is rarely appropriate and almost always symbolic in the eyes of the parent demanding it. It is a good starting presumption but seldom the end point.

Your ex is your DC's parent as much as you are and just as capable as acting in their best interests as you are. Parents who haven't separated have different ways of doing things and they manage without solicitors and courts so there is no reason you have to. Children need both their mothers and fathers - they bring different things to the tables and thrive best with the involvement of both.

I am a little alarmed by your post because you seem to be suggesting that while your children can't manage without you they can without their dad. You are equals.

But she's not saying that lostdad - she's saying that she performs most of the 'primary caregiver' functions between the two of them. I really get this, having been the primary caregiver myself. It's clearly extremely controversial to ever say that one parent is more important than the other, but I think it's misleading to say that they are both equals just by dint of both being the parents. My ex adores our children, and I have no doubt his love is equal to mine, but he never thinks about their clothes, their vaccinations, worries about what school is best for them, brushes their hair, thinks about nurturing their friendships or signing them up for activities, etc etc etc. He never has done and I really don't think that they have ever been on his mind in the same way they are on my mind. It's regardless of love, it's everything else that comes with being a parent.

OP - why are you the one who takes the time off work when they are ill? That I cannot fathom - why do you do it if it's during his time with them??!

OP, I think it would be better all round if you put your "opinions" about mothers, fathers and homes to one side and focus on the needs of your particualr DC's with the particular parents they have. FWIW, I think there is far more to being a 'primary care giver' than purely practical stuff, but anyway...

You say you have been separated for 2 years and have had equal amounts of time with the DC's - what were those arrangements? As I understand it, the status quo is quite important (particularly if it has been working for the DC's) and the person wanting to change those arrangements needs to justify why something else would be better.

I think mediation is definitely worth a try - the impact of a contested court case would be far worse for your children's emotional health than an extra night with Dad. You might get lucky - there are some judges that agree with you about DC's needing a 'base', but in fairness I think your reasons are a bit flimsy and could be interpreted as having more to do with your own needs/wants than those of the DC's.

Your post strikes me as you can't bear to be away from your children so you are fighting what seems to me to be a reasonable request from him. You're no more important as a mother than he is as a father. Is this really about what's best for your children?, or is it what is best for you?

Gosh, there are so many different things going on in your post.

From your post it seems as if the children have been sharing their time equally for 2 whole years already? What pattern does it follow now?

You say "I can't help but feel concerned for children having to divide their time and home between two houses." but ALL children with separated parents have to do this whether the divide in time is equal or whether it's one overnight a month. That's an unfortunate, but a rather fundamental and unavoidable fact of separation. It's also baffling because you are putting forward an offer where they have 6 nights with their dad and 8 with you, which is only 1 night different in quantity to what he wants.

I have seen a lot of people unhappy about their children having two "homes" and this is something I can never get my head around. Home is where the heart is and I would be heartbroken for my son if he felt like he didn't have a home wherever his father lived. Children love their parents equally - can you imagine how horrible it would be as a young child to feel like a guest in your own mummy or daddy's house, like you were an occasional visitor? No, I want my child to feel like he is always at home no matter what day of the week it is. So I agree with your ex that you should call both houses their homes.

How you imagine you would feel, as the adult you are now, is pretty irrelevant. What is relevant is how your children actually do feel about it and how they feel about wanting to spend time with two parents they love equally and that's glaringly absent from your post. What pattern would they like? I do shared care with my ex and our son has been able to articulate that from a young age. He raised the issue himself of changing the pattern when he wanted to and I expect we'll adjust it quite a few more times as he gets older and his needs change.

They key phrase in "I am always the one who takes the children to the Doctors, dentist, hospital, hair appointments, buys the school clothes, fills in forms and generally deals with most of the practical aspects of being a mum as I have always done." is as I have always done.

Ever heard the phase 'If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.'? It's just human nature that if someone is taking up the slack and efficiently just taking care of everything, the other person will carry on thinking they don't need to. I know it's difficult to move from being the one doing everything and being in control, but you need to let go of doing everything and pass some of this responsibility to him. I did all this stuff before my ex and I separated, but I gradually just pushed back on lots of it. It did require me to prompt him to begin with, but in 3 years he's got more and more proactive. There are a very few small 'mum' things I'm more likely to end up doing, but that's OK with me - we bring different things to the table. You also need to put your foot down, if he wants shared care, about taking time off if one of the children are ill. My ex and I share that as and when it comes up and not always according to who actually has him that day.

But on the other hand, if a father's time is restricted to mostly weekends and they go for longish periods between seeing their children, then the opportunities for day-to-day parenting (like hospital appointments) are limited and because they've missed them a lot, they'll just want to spend their time with them. It's a lot easier to demand those things are equally shared when there's no difference between the type of parenting you actually get to do.

With regards to the 5 day stretches, I think it could be on the long side for a 3 year old to go without seeing either parent, especially if it's a sudden change. We do 3 day alternating except over weekends which are always split, but I expect it will lengthen when he's older. Have you spoken to your children about what they want? Would you be willing to look at your proposed schedule again to find something that works out differently?

I think that before you need to go to mediation, you need to really work out what all your different underlying feelings because I get the feeling from your post that there are quite a few different ones in there. Forget about your arguments for a while and just work on working out your feelings - justifiable or not, feelings just are. It will help you to clarify things in your mind, might change your mind about some things and it will help you articulate your concerns to your ex in reasonable 'I statements'.

Thank you for your contributions to my post.
It is helpful to gain the views of non biased parents who have experiences to share.
There are many points I agree with and will help me to attempt to remove myself emotionally from the situation in order to make an informed and fair contribution to the discussions regarding the shared parenting of our children.