Ex keeps sending solicitors letters attacking me personally

[Joy5]

I'm due in the family court early next year regarding the finances, just can't afford any more legal fees, i earn a fifth of what my ex does, which is probably why he can afford to send so many legal letters.

Up to now, i asked her to stop representing me last week, my solicitor has 'shielded' me from some of the letters, the ones just attacking me personally, calling me names. Unless they've contained something to do with sorting our finances i havn't seen them.

After my ex was told i'm representing myself last week, i received a letter direct to myself from his solicitor, just attacking me and criticising me as a Mum.

Is there anything i can to do stop this? No matter how hard I try they do upset me, i can't stop myself worrying about them, i'm studying too as well as working, i need to stay focused. Its bad enough my ex has filed court papers, without also having the power to send solicitor's letters just attacking me.

Earlier this year, my solicitor received 12 letters from my ex's solicitor in less then 14 days, most of them attacking me personally. I'm concerned now i'm self represented the scale of the letters will just increase.

Any advice gratefully received.

Is the letter asking for a response? All seems a bit bizarre. If not asking for a response just try and ignore. I think any court would take a dim view unless its about specific issues, such as he thinks you neglect the kids, with evidence to back it up. Keep the letters though.

Try not to take it personally. He's playing dirty which says more about him than about you.

I have had this, there are some nasty abusive solicitors about enabling abusive men. In my experience its normally female lawyers who are worse at the personal attacks. I think they do it to create more income for themselves.

The barristers are just as bad in the waiting area and inside the court. These people must not have religious faith to behave as they do.

Give them to a mate to open to see if there's any action required.

Then destroy them - all the while smiling that your stupid fucker of an ex has paid 50 quid per letter.

Burning would be fun

Do you have a friend or relative who could read the letters and then pass on to you only the relevant bits? Someone with a thick skin who won't be upset on your behalf.

If I was reading letters like that for a friend I would probably also categorise the personal attacks so that they could be presented to the court in a clear way if necessary. So, for instance, x number of letters with personal insults against you, x number of letters criticising your parenting with no substantiating evidence, x number of letters implying his intention to draw out the process with the intention of causing you financial distress etc.

He's doing it because he wants to upset you, so there's no point in hoping or asking him to behave reasonably. Probably the best way to deal with it is to show no signs of distress or anger, just be factual and dull at all times and he might get bored with it.

Good luck in court.

I understand why you don't want to read them, and I'm not sure how you could avoid them altogether. I would point out though, that he's shooting himself in the foot every time he sends one. If you're ever back at court over your dc, they'll take a VERY negative view of his position. Make sure you don't retaliate and you'll be the halo accessoried reasonable parent and he'll be the vindictive, aggressive unreasonable parent who - ooh look at that - can't be trusted to make impartial statements or put himself to the side to make good decisions for your dc. If it were me, I'd gratefully receive each one and store them away 'just in case'. You might hate them now, but they might come in very handy in the future.

I agree with this ^

I can imagine cafcass would take a dim view of him with that level of evidence of lies and accusations.

You cannot reason with unreasonable people.

Dont destroy the letters. Keep them as a record of his shitty behaviour but dont keep reading them.

No other advice sorry.

Thanks for all the advice, hadn't occurred to me to ask someone to read them first, but worth a go, then i still only see the ones that i need too. Just strugling to think of who at the moment, close relatives are already upset with me ex and his behaviour, my 2 closest friends are both having hard times personally.

I havn't responded to any of the letters, i don't see my ex i've legal action to keep him away from me, and i wouldn't pay a solicitor to respond to the letters even if i could afford it, which i can't.

Lifes hard enough without using what little energy i have on thinking up ways of retaliating :) So really won't be going there.

Think i was hoping there was some guidance on treating the other side with sensitivity and politeness, when solicitors send letters to people representating themselves, but guess i was being naive in thinking there could be!

I do think you should take some comfort that he is paying so much for each letter - he's a bit deranged by it all tbh! Obviously his solicitor isn't the best either as he's not managed to get through to him about just sticking to the facts at hand...

If the solicitor is actually being abusive in correspondence rather than repeating allegations made by your exH then you can report him/her to the Solicitors Regulatory Authority and/or the Law Society.

I don't know if this is worth it.

Reply to each letter saying, 'thank you for letter dated x, the contents of which are noted and may be referred to in court.'

Your ex will have to pay for each reply that is read by a solicitor. The note that you may bring it up in hearings will be a reminder to the solicitor that this isn't helpful and I am sure the kind qualified people on here will tell you if I have it wrong. It may be a wake up call to them.

Each letter is a slight dent in the bank balance. Each nasty letter is something you could perhaps use to defend yourself later. Each letter is saying, 'I am an idiot who is angry that I've lost and I'm throwing a tantrum'.

Hope things work out for you.

You know LisaMed I was thinking the same thing.

I'm just back from walking the dog, briskly to get rid of all my aggression over this i might add, but its free and it works, and its occurred to me that now i'm representing myself i don't need to worry about the cost of receiving letters anymore. Theres always a silver lining if you look hard enough lol

I think you've all made a good point about me replying to the letters, it will cost my ex even more, and me the price of a stamp.

The solicitor i was using said her company was a member of a voluntary organisation for solicitors, who adhered to a voluntary code of conduct, forgotten the name now, but when she told me she also said my ex's solicitor's company wasn't, and that they were known as a company who would write anything if they were paid to do it. Starting to hope the judge will also know that.

I'm not sure if my ex's solicitor is breaking the law society rules or not, the letters are written in such 'old' english i'm having to use a dictionary to understand them, often the meaning in the dictionary is so obscure i then have to look the definition up too.

Thank you again for the suggestions.

There is a code of conduct, it is from an organisation called Resolution, I'm pretty sure that's what you mean. And yes, the judge will know and will take a dim view.

Thanks JohnnyUtah, just checked and you're right it is Resolution. I'd forgotten the name, but i'd recommend anyone to use a solicitor who is a member.

OP have all the arangements for the DC been agreed? it seems strange he would sent letters regarding them if it has.
I understand emotions are high in family matters but I find it very difficult to understand how the family law procedues try to encourage resolution' and mediation' and then use strong tone and words which do anything but help the situation. Not all do this but some do. It is unhelpful and to be honest I find them childish. The vocab. too - it makes me chuckle - it must be a vocab competition - I can use bigger and more scary words than you..... (I find looking at at this way really does take the sting out). I am a professional person myself but I don't feel it necessary to communicate like that to resolve things.
I know you can't say much more but without knowing more about what he wants from you apart from a reaction and to upset you I wonder why he is sending them? His col will only be taking instructions from him so I guess they have to send them? Sadly none of it has to be actually true just what thier client told them was true. They don't have to present any evidence of it being true. Think this may be one of the reasons why the government stop funding a lot of it which has harmed those who really needed it.

Some solicitors are just like hiring a hit man - they takes the money and whacks whomever their client requests. If you present all the letters as evidence it will show the Judge in your case that there is no capacity for reasonable negotiation with your ex and therefore everything has to be water tight in the final agreement otherwise your ex is the sort to drag everyone back into Court. Judges really dont like to see this unreasonable, aggressive behaviour as it has long since been understood that in order for Family Law to work, parents need to set aside their differences and work together in the best interests of the children. Complaining about and abusing the other parent just prevents that from happening as it maintains a force 10 level of animosity. Therefore it forces Judges to make highly prescriptive orders about contact; holidays; maintenance; who has the passport and other minutae because one or both parties can't be trusted to sort it out reasonably and who suffers most - the kids !! I wish you luck but please if you are LIP just keep very good records and files.

Do solicitors actually do this! Surely they should point out to their client that they are behaving ridiculously.

Sorry op, how awful for you.

I second sending the reply back from upthread.

Well, I let my practising certificate lapse a long time ago now, but a client who asked for that sort of thing to be done would have been invited to take his business elsewhere.

www.sra.org.uk/home/home.page is where you report this stuff. However, a first step would be ring up the firm and ask for the name of the complaints partner there. Send copies and complain there first, and say that you're going to the SRA right after if the matter isn't resolved properly. Get the letters your former solicitor 'protected' you from.

I like Lisamed's idea - with an extra line which says 'this letter has been forwarded to the judge and the complaints people.'

BUT I'd also be very tempteed to respond to each letter with 3 or 4 separate letters (or more, if you have time and are evil like me ) pointing out that as you represent yourself they are obliged to assist you in understanding the legal process, and then querying the wording, asking for clarification etc. Then ex will have to pay for them to deal with each letter. And don't forget to thank them very sweetly for their time...

Your replies have made me smile!! Not much does at the moment so thank you. Since i realised yesterday it won't cost me money to receive the letters from my ex anymore, i've been feeling so much better. I might be worried silly about representing myself but the thought of no more legal bills, is like a weight being lifted.

Balia, i'd started to think something similar myself, think i will write and suggest to my ex's solicitor in future he writes using plain English. If he doesn't, then i might just return the letters, and ask for a version i can understand.

Of course i'll be very sweet in my replies!! Actually, i've kept my dignigy for the past 2 years, i refuse to argue and bicker, so it won't be hard.

Joy5 what a good idea.

"please would you clarify what is meant by x y z"

"please would you provide me with the evidence twat is using to acuse me of a b c"

and so on.

Joy5 - just because he says it doesn't mean it's true was a mantra passed on to me when my ex was doing the same.

Also you'll be fine self repping - you're clearly intelligent and apparently not out and out spoiling for a fight. I self rep in a fairly antagonised situation with my ex and it's a lot more straight forward than I thought it was going to be also the Court Officers are really helpful.