ExP being an arse

[ItsDecisionTime]

Sorry to repeat this story again but for the benefit of those people who haven't seen the original.

Been going through a contact dispute for 2 years with ExP. He lives overseas and insists on DD (12) spending every summer and Xmas holiday with him as well as additional time overseas as he sees fit. Him visiting her in the UK is never going to happen, and in his words is "non-negotiable".

CAFCASS did a wishes and feelings report when she was 10 where she said she did want contact with him but did not want all her school holidays to be spent away from home and would he split their time together 50/50 in the UK/away so she could introduce him to her life. He would not comply with it and consequently, we have spent the past 2 years fighting against his demands.

After DD absolutely refused to travel overseas this summer, ExP went back to court and the judge ordered a 2nd CAFCASS report on the basis DD is now 12 (almost 13) and her feelings may have changed. She expressed her wishes clearly and the recommendation from CAFCASS was she spends 2 weeks in the summer overseas followed by 2 weeks in the UK. Additional time could be spent with him over Xmas in the UK and she would travel overseas for 1 week at Easter. ExP won't agree with that either as it isn't "what he wants".

Today I've been informed by my solicitor that the costs to me of taking this forward to a contested hearing will be approximately £6k. I'm appalled and think it morally wrong that we have been through a very costly process already, the judge having directed that a CAFCASS report would determine the outcome of this case, only to find that the judge has no say in it whatsoever but the ExP can back me into a corner and force me to pay all this money which will ultimately get him nowhere.

I want them to have a relationship but I also want him to see it's not in her best interests (or his although he doesn't see it like that) to tear her away from friends and family for so much of her school holidays.

It wasn't her decision for him to move away, it was his.

Is there anything I could do or say at the directions hearing to make common sense prevail and have the judge issue an order there and then without additional expense? Can I in some way get a share of the costs out of him?

Thanks and sorry for going on.

Your ex is an ass in my legal opinion ;)

Your ex cannot force you to send his daughter over to see him at all, no more than he can force you to extend the visitations beyond what a court has suggested should be followed.

I "personally" would suggest telling your ex, that you will do what CAFCASS has suggested or you will cease all contact with him and that is "non-negotiable". Play his own game and suggest to him that he might want to consider his daughter's wishes more and his own selfish ones less.

He seems to be making all the demands, when he is playing without a winning hand. You have all the cards. You have the daughter, you have the CAFCASS ruling, you have your daughter's wishes. Make him realise that CURRENTLY you are being more than thoughtful and that if he doesn't start being the same, then you will cease to be so.

I am NOT a solicitor... not in anyway qualified to give legal advice. Just a divorced father. I would never have expected my ex to force my children to see me if they did not want to, but then I'm not a pillock.

Your situation is heartbreaking and the system should not allow you to have to incurr such costs under these circumstances. Is there anyway you can self rep? £6k also seems a lot. What about a Mackenzie friend?
I just don't understand how anyone thinks that this will create a meaningful relationship - your DD is going to end up not wanting to go at all - it is really sad. I just can never remember wanting to be in anyone's company that demands I do, no matter who they are.
I am sure the legal minds will be able to help.
I don't think for one min he would get what he wants at a contested hearing but the fact that you would have to go to it etc. just seems wrong.
I am sure legal minds will be on soon with better - proper advice, I just wanted to say how bad I feel for you. If this is how it has to be for you, I would seek to address it higher up the chain - MOJ springs to mind or at least your MP.

Thank you both. I did find a free service run by solicitors to help mothers in similar situations and intend to contact them today. Common sense tells me that I should just tell him to do one and that I'll comply with CAFCASS although legally (he isn't even a British citizen), it seems he can use our own legal system against me and my DD.

My LO's dad kept trying to force contact when at 18 months old all he does is whimper in fear and back away from him and get hysterical he tried to blame everyone else but himself and this went on since LO was 5 months old last Thursday they threw the case out of court because bad contact is just as bad as no contact and they can force LO to be there when he doesn't want to even at tap hat age,

Get your LO to do a statement maybe with your solicitor and phone carcass again stating she doesn't want to be forced to go for that amount of time only the times she wants

Sorry it's not much

Another option might be for you to self rep and use your solicitor for advice only.

My friend did this as way of keeping costs down when she was going through similar. (Though I have to say your ex seems even nastier than hers.)

justme your story gives me hope. OP that is good advice from justme

would she be happy to say her views to the judge in court?
altho daunting; as you know you can explain to dd that it isnt a criminal court with wigs and gowns! more like speaking to a headteacher.... and judge would be very gentle with her.

self rep and ask court if dd can speak directly to the judge to give her views.

Self represent; there's lots of help with this and its about the child not technical points of law; will also stop you worrying about cost and agreeing to something just to stop going broke; good luck op!