Ex braking court ordered contact, what will they do

[JustMe1993]

Hi

I'm new to this so please bare with me..

I have a 18 month old that lives with me full term and always have. BD dragged me to court after I had offered him contact with LO (half hour a week supervised, I hadn't seen him all pregnancy and he was abusive) He refused stating he'd get more but due to his accusations of LO not being his and previous history with alcohol and drugs he had to do a DNA test and drug and alcohol test (which he passed and I was happy for him) they started contact in a centre an hour a time once every month which he paid for however my LO did nothing but scream and cry so they kept ending it early to calm him down.
He refused me to go into a session to calm him down then blamed me for them ending it. So the next session I went in and LO clung to me for dear life, wouldn't go near him but didn't cry so BD told everyone it went marvellously. When the courts ordered these sessions they order some unsupervised assuming it all went well. I took my son even though the sessions went dreadfully because they were court ordered and raised my concern with BD about letting LO go in their however he told me I wasn't allowed in and within 5 minutes they brought LO out to me and told me to take him home as there were other parents in the room seeing their children and they couldn't have him upset.

Ever since that day the courts have ordered 4 more supervised and the 1st being recently which once again he cried through and I spent 45 minutes of the hour trying to get him to stop crying and calm him down, he found out after the first session I had got a partner (my first since I fell pregnant in 2011) and is now refusing to pay for more contact, saying he already has a "father figure" in his life and he can't emotionally deal with that (they haven't bonded as my partner comes over once LO is in bed) he's requesting a CAFCASS report done on him which I don't have an issue with and neither does my partner.

but I'm worried with what rubbish he's going to spill out in court next time, we were ordered to attend one of those SPIP courses which we did separately and I learnt a lot from it and have tried to be civil, no arguing and keeping him updated on LO's behaviour after the contact sessions he went on it verbally abused me, my partner and my son after the course and is refusing to communicate with me, he doesn't even ask how LO is.

I'm just getting tired with it all, He makes me feel bad about everything I've always take LO to contact apart from the times he was ill which I provided proof for and he still accused me of lying and he still trying to get me done for "contempt of court" because I was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks before a court case and it was postponed. He keeps saying he's no longer going to go to court and he's going to drop the case but he never does and carries on with this palava

has anyone at all been in the situation? It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do anymore

Hi, I don't know the details of how this stuff works legally.

Are you saying that the court has ordered contact and your ex now refuses to pay for more sessions and doesn't want any more contact sessions?

If so, I would expect that the court ordered contact means you have to make your baby available for contact but I wouldn't expect you to pay- it's your ex's fault that a contact centre is required. if your ex no longer wants contact try to get that in writing- email or text if nothing else - and get further advice from your solicitor / social worker / health visitor or any other people who are professionally involved.

The court ordered more sessions in the contact centre however the last session was a week ago and my partner came with me for support due to the normal person whom goes was at work. Since he saw us that day he has said he "emotionally can't cope anymore and doesn't know what to do now I've got a partner" (he has a girlfriend himself and I assume expected me to stay single) He was suppose to have another court ordered session next week and didn't pay by the cut off point so they gave him an extension with my permission he then still didn't pay so they've cancelled the session due to non payment.

He's said he wants contact but he doesn't want it in the centre (it was offered first off all without a centre when my son was newborn but he refused and has since then threatened to take him out of my care etc so can't be done) and is now evidently refusing to pay for them despite the courts saying he has to. I've always made my LO available and always take him as I schedule the dates myself. He refuses to put it directly in writing however I have plenty of texts and emails sayings "do you want me to be in his life?" "Do you want him to have a father" "Shall I cancel the court proceedings" "Maybe I should just leave you to it" etc

It's just heartbreaking watching my son get so distressed over it as he leaves visits months at a time and my LO forgets whom he is

Your ex sounds completely self-absorbed. Your child being distressed doesn't seem to concern him, but he can't bear you having a partner?

Ok, so there are official records that he hasn't complied with court-ordered arrangements. He can have access at the contact centre and chooses not to.

Can you arrange for all communication between you and your ex to be done through third parties e.g. the contact centre, solicitor, social worker etc? He shouldn't be able to threaten you. It must be really distressing. If you can take control, break direct communication lines, keep records, and talk to the right people professionally hopefully that'll help.

in the meantime, I would think that if ex chooses not to comply with the court's arrangements you'd be doing yourself a disservice to make alternate arrangements e.g. meeting away from the contact centre .

So somehow, even with the contact centre, he's got you dancing to his tune eh?

Let him think what he likes! He has no right to dictate a single thing to you.

Is he even paying maintenance?

End direct contact. Get a solicitor's letter sent to him that states that as the contact is court ordered, your child will be made available, but if he fails to pay, then the contact appointment will be cancelled for use by parents who do want to see their children.

Make it clear that it's his choice to attend visits or not, and there's nothing you, or anyone can do to make him be a responsible/available parent.

Then leave it. He's not a positive addition to anyone's life, and your LO has the full measure of him, even if you still don't.

Of you haven't done the freedom programme yet, do it asap. You're still scurrying around at this idiot's behest. The FP may help you to find some anger, some indignance and galvanise you into not taking this shit; from him, or anyone.

If you do your bit and he doesn't do his. That's his lookout. It'd be better for all if he didn't have contact tbh, so don't waste your energy on trying to make him a nice person, a good parent, a decent human being.

He's not. Never was, never will be.

Reading your story, my suspicion is that he wants to appear to the world as the great father fighting for his kid through the courts, but when it actually comes to the reality of having to be be a father and spend time with your LO he is not really that interested. My guess is that whatever contact arrangements the court comes up with he will find some way or another to sabotage them.

what notdavidtennant said.

my ex is like this. he couldnt give a toss bout his dd from his last marriage. but he still posts statuses on facebook telling his'friends' how hes going to court/ gonna throw a reunnion party when he gets contact/ gonna do this,do that/sue his ex etc etc etc. hes never done it.

he just does it to show off so he looks like a big man so everyone can big him up

Thanks everyone sorry for the lack of reply

I have a solicitor and today's contact didn't go ahead because surprise surprise he didn't pay it. The centre even gave him a 3 day extension but apparently he's coming close to going bankrupt and can't afford the fee's any more (It's still my fault as I "made" him go to court and waste his money [hmmm] )

He has a partner and that's fine as he's happy and she's apparently the dog's dangly's she was even paying for his contact sessions with LO!!! As well as putting petrol in his car so he could go to work (yup, I'm draining his money as he pays £218.18 a month CSA)

Most of the communication goes through my solicitor (he doesn't have one) but we had a court judgement to have contact direct as we would have to one day in their eyes. There are no chances on earth i'd let him see LO outside of the centre, I received the notes today and it's one big note of hour LO backed away from him and whimpered and the contact workers had to prompt him to say hello, wave goodbye and he just stood there and watched them play with him.

It was made clear and simple LO would be at contact at the set time as long as he paid and he refused.

We have court on Thursday and he's been asked if he's even going and yet again he refuses to reply to those emails. It's getting beyond a joke

Maybe it'll all be over soon. It sounds like he wants to be seen as the good guy to outsiders and going to court initially would have fit into that story of himself, "poor me I have to fight for my rights". Once he's been faced with the reality of contact it's not really the same and no-one's cheering him on and there's no big story about him fighting to do the right thing anymore. I think he'll disappear quietly after Thursday's court date (and predicted non-appearance.) Maybe he'll shout about wanting contact from time to time but you can just get on with your own plans and keep things formal, as you are already. Keep notes of all this though in case you forget and feel sorry for him in the future. It's really not about him though, it's about your baby and hopefully you can stop thinking about the ex soon and concentrate on yourselves.

just leave him to make his own bed hun, he really isnt doing himself any favours. the courts will eventually tire of him x

Thank you both

I'm hoping he'll tired of this rubbish soon however I feel sorry for my son having to miss out on his 'dad' because he generally couldn't be bothered and I know if my current partner and I are still going strong I don't want to have the whole conversation of about whom his real dad is and why he isn't around ect.

Thank you for your support x

least if that conversation ever took place you can say validly and with your head held high that you tried your best to do things properly re contact with his dad.