Contact Order - Advice

[Sparkle86]

Hi,

I'm hoping someone can offer some advice on this situation - I'm trying to be vague as wouldn't want to be outed.

OH has 2x kids from prev relationship. Kids live FT with Mum and Mums OH & 2 half siblings
History of dispute between OH & kids Mum which led to 12 months of no contact and a court contact order being created. Situation is now relatively amicable. Mum objects to OH being involved with school - not allowed pick up/drop offs and rarely told of parent events. OH seeks info from school but this is unreliable.
OH has kids alt weekends and 1x tea time in the week there is no weekend contact. Extra contact is 1x week in Summer and 1x week over Xmas.
1x child is struggling with Mums OH - feels pushed out, Mum struggles with behavior etc.

OH has asked for more contact. Mum has offered more holiday contact time - which would equal 1x week as OH does not have any more leave from work.
OH wants 3 days (Tue-Thurs or Wed-Fri) overnight stays in addition to the weekend visit.
Mum refuses - says routine/school, not wanting after school clubs etc.

Here we are. OH wants more meaningful time with kids. Tea visits are rushed due to bedtime and working FT. Mum is refusing.
Both of us work FT, mum works PT/Ad hoc - so is available for pick up/drop offs etc. Kids would need to go to family member or after school/breakfast clubs for 30mins each side of school day.

OH is considering court order review, but doesn't want to cause friction, and isn't sure court will agree to more time given he works FT etc.

How can we move this forward?

Mediation or a Collaborative approach, or as a last resort an application to court.

The age of the child is relevant. the older they are, the more their wishes are likely to hold sway.

So currently he has:

Every other weekend, one tea time visit on the week he doesn't have the weekend, 1 week summer holidays and 1 week Xmas.

He wants to have:

Every other weekend, ie Fri-Sun then the next week Weds-Fri, so that would be 4 nights a fortnight. He would also like to be more involved with school.

I am not a legal professional so only answering from what I feel seems fair, reasonable and from my experience as a mum with shared residence and a step mum with step children who have shared residence (all in residence orders done via Courts).

What he is asking for seems reasonable, it all depends on how much it will affect the children, will it be better for them, what they want (dependent on age) and whether their mum is justified in saying no.

I understand their mum has agreed to more holiday contact, so she is obviously not just saying no for no reason at all, maybe she does have genuine concerns that may need to be negotiated / talked about. Why can he only accept 1 more week a year school holidays? Surely he has more than 2 weeks a year holiday? He could ask her for half of the summer holidays (3 weeks) and use more annual leave to enable him to be there for them. It seems she may well agree to that without any Court involvement.

Can you OH/you facilitate the children's school runs / after school clubs? I see 30 mins before and after school childcare as a negligible amount of time, especially if that time is spent with relatives from your OH's side of the family - it could be a nice benefit for the children popping in to see nanna and grandad after school on days with dad for example. What about school clubs? If you can't facilitate their normal routine (football on Wednesdays, Cubs on Thursdays etc) then their mum has a very valid argument.

As for not wanting him involved in school matters, that's not her choice. Ensure you OH speaks with the head teacher, print off and take in the contact order and birth certificates so they know he has parental Responsibility and perhaps also print off the relevant parts of the Education Act which states schools MUST communicate with non resident parents. He needs to ensure he gets copies of letters home, reports and has chance to attend parents evenings, school plays, performances, awards etc.

Could it be about money? If things are not friendly and your OH pays maintenance via the CSA the more nights they stay with him the less he is required to pay her...

Call a local family mediation company and invite the mum to mediate first though. Must cheaper and less stressful than Court and she may just have worries/concerns that your OH can easily relieve and they may come to an amicable decision. Then they can jointly apply to have the order changed by consent to reflect the new agreements.

This may be brief as on my phone but will try to answer all points.

Kids are both under 10 if that is relevant in terms of age. Both kids have independently expressed a wish to come more which is what has prompted this discussion.

Current routine doesn't involve any after school activities - they do a normal day and mum does pick up drop offs. Kids could go to family/step family or after school clubs on the days we had them. I can be flexible with work so can collect them before 5pm if Dad dropped off at breakfast club. Mum doesn't want kids in after school club or anyone else.

Justification from mum is she has a routine for school wwith kids and half siblings that works. She doesn't want this to change.

OH currently has 25 days leave a year. 2x week's at Xmas where he has the kids for 7 days extra over the Xmas period splitting the event days with mum. 1x week we have kids in summer and take them away. The other 2 week's he has for emergency use and we try to get away ourselves for a few days if possible. Child holiday takes priority over this. He feels 10 extra days ad hoc
Over the year isn't meaningful contact and feels that the mid week stays would be more so.

School are aware of the situation and do inform him now which is a positive step.

I do feel there may be financial issue, but until she raises this we can't discuss as it is a point mum won't discuss. MMoney is handled outside of csa and we wouldn't want to reduce it.

Would mediation not cost more lomg terms? I feel she may drag it out as she did with solicitor letters knowing it was costing OH and not her. Whereas we would self represent and just pay court fee?

I see your point about the cost of mediation, but if she agrees to go to discuss changing contact arrangements then at least you know she is up for some sort of discussion / negotiation. Plus Court tends to put peoples backs up and she's much less likely to negotiate / agree.

You'd have to at least attempt mediation anyway to "tick the box" as if you get to Court and she won't agree to your DP's proposals then a Judge will not make a decision unless you have at least attempted to mediate first. If you apply and she refuses then you'd get your FM1 to say she refused and can continue on to Court.

If you're going to apply to Court (in my experience) you need to be crystal clear about your proposals, think in advance what objections she is likely to make and what your answer to those will be. Think how this new set up would be better for them than the current one.

-Their mum "not wanting" them in childcare is a bit weak, but equally she has a point of she is available. It's not like she objects to you using childcare, just objects to changing the current contact arrangements AND then using childcare, which is different.

-You said before they'd have to go for 30mins before/after school care, now you've said you could be flexible at work and collect them before 5pm. I think you'd need to present a solution that means your DP actually gets a decent amount of time with them the evenings they will be staying, if that is your reason for changing the contact already in place as otherwise, they may as well be with their mum if she is sat at home whilst they are in childcare. Would he actually get the evening with them?

• Can't your DP arrange with work to finish early/start late 2/3 days a fortnight and make up the hours when the kids are at their mums? His proposal would be far more feasible if he could. So when he currently has them for tea and their mum insists they go back after tea to sleep at hers, what does he do, do they go to family/friend after school or does he finish early from work that day?

-Lastly, I think he should take the extra week summer holidays their mum has already agreed. He doesn't need 10 days "for emergency use" surely? The extra week would make a difference if he only gets 2 other full weeks a year. To be fair most parents have to use all their annual leave for children's holidays and he is keen to have extra time, so that would be at least something.

• How about he reassures their mum that a change in contact / amount of time her has with them will not mean he plans to reduce her maintenance payments in anyway. There's no reason he can' raise the subject (maybe text or email if it's awkward in person). Then she doesn't have to admit that was the reason she declined at first but it might help him get more time and make her more open to negotiations.