Threats and maintenance

[L4dyluck]

Hi there, bit of background,
XDP and I have an arranged maintenance agreement (only vocally between us). He agreed o pay £300 per month, which I am happy with. He sees DS(10) Thurs for 1/2 hour and alternative Sat/Sun 11-5 ish.

Soooo last night there was a bit if an argument,he has booked time off with DS in summer hols(4days) and asked what DS wanted to do he said go to a certain place. XDP then text me asking for half the train fair which I said sorry I can't afford to. He then proceeded to give me a barrage of abuse about this is what child maintenance is for, and I haven't done anything with him in my annual leave with DS ( which because he took the car has limited us so we have done local things!! And cinema),and that i should have saved. (which i wiuld love to do but paying the £700 mortgage and bills he left us with does leave me a little tight at the moment)
He then said that DS will be staying with him soon whether he likes it or not (DS has stated on numerous occasions that he does not want to stay overnight with XDP, he hates staying away, doesn't go to sleepovers etc) to which I said if he doesn't want to he won't be staying! He then said pay my petrol then it's not cheap !!
Will point out also that when I asked for help with uniform and swimming lessons he said no as he pays £300 a month and gets DS haircut!

He picks DS up today at 11 ish and I really do not want an argument but I am thoroughly fed up with his constant upheaval !! He starts every couple if months about something.

I guess my question is what do I do ?? Do I now contact the csa incase he stops paying or pays less? Do I see a solicitor in case he tries to keep DS ??

Thanks in advance

have only just read your post. how has handover gone op?

Hi he did not speak to me!! I asked what time DS would be back he said he didn't know, so I asked if he could text me and let me know so I could put DS some dinner on !!

Am wondering if orihinal rant was maybe alcohol fuelled ( a huge catalyst for our relationship not working !)

hope you are not feeling too bad.
if I were you I would contact CSA anyway, to get the maintanance more 'official' it is not up to you to chip in for his train fare or petrol but equally best not to ask him for extra money for uniform etc.,
I would not worry about a solicitor today, see what happens today, i bet u he will bring him back this evening.
take care OP.

Sorry you are going through this - it's hard in the early days establishing a routine.

It is not acceptable for your XP not not give a time for returning DS. I would stick to email contact for arranging access time from now on and not let him go without a firm collection and return time in writing every time.

Regarding uniform and swimming lessons ..... I'm not sure .... I pay for clubs and everything out of maintenance, but XH pays half of expensive school trips over and above the maintenance. He also pays half of cost of birthday parties. I guess you have to negotiate this ... maybe with the help of mediation?

Overnights ..... how old is your DS? I think your XP has a reasonable expectation that DS should go to his for overnights regularly. I know it's hard especially if the split is recent, but it's only fair.

Hope that helps .... good luck.

Hi each and every highway, DS is 10 and does not want to stay overnight, he does not have a close bond with XDP, first time he took DS to the park alone was this year. If he was to stay there would have to be no alcohol involved whic at the moment he doesn't even keep DS past 8pm so he can have a drink on the weekend.
I'm not comfortable making DS stay overnight if he doesn't want to. XDP knows how uncomfortable DS gets if staying away from home. He had a episode when we stayed away the 3 of us for 1 night!!
I have told him to stop pushing the issue and DS will stay when he feels ready.

How much does your ex earn?

If you go to the CSA, you'll get 15% of his income (minus some deductions) and that's it - theres no expectation that he should help with uniform, trips, shoes etc. £300 per month is quite a lot!

What are you doing to help your DS strengthen his bond with his Dad and his anxiety about leaving you alone? Counselling/play therapy can be excellent for helping DCs work through their guilt and conflicted loyalties.

Just to clarify I am happy with the amount he pays that's not the issue. The issue is the threat that he can stop it and deduct what he likes from it. I dont want extra help.. the point i was making was that he wants me to pay his petrol for visiting his son !! Also if he stops paying or deducts I can no longer afford the mortgage that he pays nothing towards. Which he does regularly. Also I am doing nothing to strengthen the bond. He is an alcoholic abusive person who through his own fault has created the distance between him and DS. DS is 10 and happier and less anxious since XDP left.

L4dy Well, if he stops paying, or pays less your only recourse would be to apply to the CSA and you may get considerably less than you do now.
Is there any way you can reduce your outgoings so you're not as dependent on him? Is the house in your name or joint? Can you downsize your car? Cut back on journeys? Cancel subscriptions?

The only way of dealing with his threats to reduce his payments is via the CSA, though.

Hi there,

The problem with going to the CSA is you will be taking a gamble- admittedly an educated gamble but a gamble all the same. You will know roughly what he earns. if you go to the CSA you could end up receiving less.

You also have a decision to make regarding contact. Your child is 10 and so if this went to court his Wishes and Feelings will be taken into account. You would need to prove that the risks of contact outweigh the benefits and not just that your son "doesn't want to". You would need to show that the current contact isn't working and that your son is at risk of harm. The fact that your XDP has a row with you every couple of months will undermine your role as a parent and sends a negative message to your child. Does he do this in front of your child? I hope, for your child's sake, not.

I wouldn't make a knee jerk reaction so think carefully about your next course of action.

Here to help.