Grandparent rights/contact orders - and my abusive mother

[borrowedlight]

When I was a teenager my mum became abusive toward me, regularly hitting me during arguments to the point my arms were covered in bruises and people would notice. She also threatened to commit suicide when I was 12 and it was just her and I living together.

When I left home I thought the abuse would stop, but then she turned to letter writing - letters of 15 pages+ telling me in great detail what an awful person I am. She also threatened to commit suicide when I was about 18 and insisted I came home or she would kill herself.

Fast forward 20 years and things have come to a climax. She has regularly looked after my son after school - her controlling nature and temper/emotional outbursts have stopped me asking anyone else until the last three years when I got a childminder for the majority of the week. This was the first time I haven't given in to her outbursts.

It is now as an adult and with more distance from her that I realise how wrong her behaviour has been and things I accepted as normal in my childhood, being, frankly quite odd. I think she may have a mental illness or personality disorder. She has fallen out with every member of her family, most of her neighbours and more recently her best friend of 20 years.

I recently told her that over the summer holidays that we wouldn't be seeing her as we were really busy with holidays and clubs and friends visiting. Really, I just needed some distance from her to get some perspective. She completely flipped, came round my house and assaulted me after forcing her way in. She grabbed me by the throat. I had to call the police as she refused to leave and she was arrested. However, though I did make a statement, I said I would not go to court as I don't want my mum to have a criminal record, and besides which, she is terrifying and I just can't face going all the way to court.

She signed to say that she would not contact me or my DS other than via a solicitor. I know that she will do this and I need to prepare myself for what might happen. I want to protect my son from the control she has, and what she can do when she is angry (but claims to not remember). I also can't take this abuse any more myself and would like to be free for the first time in 40 years. Anyone give me advice on how to protect my family?

I'm not exactly what it is that your mum signed to say that she won't contact you. If you're worried about more harassment/assaults then you can apply for a non molestation order against her. If she breaks the non molestation order she commits a criminal offence. If you're in receipt of a low income legal aid may still be available for this. If you're worried about her seeking contact with your son, then if she wants to push this point she has to make an application to the court for "leave" (in other words permission) to proceed with a contact application. Given recent events it may be that she doesn't get past this initial stage.

Thank you so much. She signed the policeman's book that interviewed her - I know this isn't 'arrestable' but they said that if she then started sending letters or turning up at my door, particularly in light of all the other abusive letters (I have kept some from the last 2 years), then she could be arrested for harassment.

I earn a good wage so I can't get legal aid, though as a single mum a court case would ruin me financially.

I am more worried about her seeking contact with my son. I am literally losing sleep over it. She will want revenge for being arrested and I know she won't just walk away - she will make me pay for calling the police. I'm terrified of her and she has never showed any remorse or regret for her violence or abuse, she has always told me I deserved it - even when she threatened to kill me when I was 12. All of this would be her word against mine, apart from the letters I have kept which are pretty awful.

I am trying to google info and I just can't make out how bad things have had to be before a court would refuse her permission.

It sounds like the police did something called a local resolution.

What's her financial situation like?

She'll have a lot of savings but no salary as she is retired. I have no doubt she would go to court if she thought she had a chance.

Hi borrowedlight,

I am sorry to hear what you've been through. Things have clearly escalated. If you're unable to sort things out amicably you could try mediation. See if you can some kind of agreement whereby she respects your distance; doesn't act inappropriately in front of you or your child.

You may feel however that you are a little beyond this, after having a letter already from her solicitors (I presume they were hers) that she wouldn't continue to act in such a manner. If you do feel like that you may apply to the court for a Non-Molestation Order to have an order explicitly saying that she can't send abusive letters or come within 100 yards of your home and to only communicate with you via solicitors.

In terms of having contact with your child- Grandparents will need the leave of the court to make an application for contact. I would say, based on your post, that this is a non-mover under Grandma addresses her behaviour. If this addressed and she has shown you (and possibly the court if she goes down that route) that she has sufficiently addressed her behaviour and will not act inappropriately then discussions and negotiations for contact may begin.

If she is hell bent on seeking contact with your DS through a court order then the court will want to see resolution to this. There may be CAFCASS involvement to speak to Grandma and you.

I would suggest though, that to address your situation immediately to protect you and your family I would advise seeking a Non Molestation Order from the Court.

Thank you for the advice.