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Original poster

Husband refusing to divorce on grounds of his adultery.

27 replies

WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 15:22

Have NCd

My husband and I separated in March. three weeks after the separation he began seeing another woman, they are still together now. I think it's safe to assume they're shagging.

We had been married less than a year, and I have said I would like a divorce based on his post separation adultery (which I have researched and is possible).

He is refusing as he doesn't want it on record that he committed adultery. I don't really see the big deal, it's not like you have to take the divorce certificate into job interviews or hand it out to prospective romantic partners.

He is apparently concerned that in hundreds of years a distant descendant might go on 'who do you think you are' and his adultery will be outed. Confused

He also says that I cannot prove that he has had sex with his gf.

Honestly I just want some real closure and a divorce would give me that. I am not currently ready for a new relationship, but when I am I don't want the fact that I am still married to be hanging over my head and if he will not agree to divorce on the grounds of his adultery then I will be forced to wait until March 2015. it doesn't seem fair.

What can I do?
TIA for any advice

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 24/07/2013 15:24

Divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. You don't have to wait till March 2015.

The unreasonable behaviour can be pretty much anything, eg that he became emotionally distant, didn't want to have sex with you, or spend time with you, etc. He doesn't have to be an axe murderer for you to think of some allegations.

TolliverGroat · 24/07/2013 15:25

Just divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. It shouldn't be too hard to come up with some.

fuzzywuzzy · 24/07/2013 15:26

He's living with someone else, that's unreasonable isnt it?

grumpydwarf · 24/07/2013 15:28

I used unreasonable behaviour on the grounds that he was now in a relationship with someone else. Worked for me. (Also included a few other unerasonable behaviours workaholic etc)

MissMarplesBloomers · 24/07/2013 15:29

TBH although it seems a long way off, 2015 will soon come & you can spend the interim fighting to sort things out and an AWFUL lot of money.

As Mumblechum says use other grounds if you have to.

I imagine you have little to sort out financially if you have been married so little time? Who owns the house? If owned has he moved out & will you be selling up or keeping it?

Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 15:32

What happens if he won't agree?
I think he will refuse to anything that makes him 'look bad' in anyway.

I do not want this to turn into some circus style bitter divorce, we have a young daughter and I want to remain civil for her sake.

I feel like I'm being forced into staying married to him against my will.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 15:34

We don't own anything we're both in our early 20s, he's graduated from uni this year and I will next year, so we're both skint too. The only issue I suppose would be childcare, but so far we've managed to focus on what is best for DD and not argue about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 15:34

Oh, and house is rented, I stayed he moved out.

OP posts:
TolliverGroat · 24/07/2013 15:48

His solicitor is likely to tell him not to be such a fool if he wants to contest an unreasonable behaviour divorce. Or you could offer to let him divorce you for unreasonable behaviour (which also has the plus that he'd have to pay for it).

Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 16:05

How much will it cost?

That's a good idea actually, I think I'll give him the choice out of me filing for divorce because of his behaviour or letting him divorce me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 16:08

Oh wow, this website says you can do it for £37??????

OP posts:
Sidge · 24/07/2013 16:11

To divorce on the grounds of adultery he'd have to sign a statement confessing to it, which from what you've said sounds unlikely.

You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, or you can ask him to divorce you but bear in mind he'd have to cite your unreasonable behaviour to proceed with a divorce. If you're comfortable with that then you can ask him to instigate divorce proceedings. Otherwise you'll have to wait for 2 years separation.

Sidge · 24/07/2013 16:14

That will be the minimum online costs (court fees alone will cost you hundreds)and if you have a child together I would strongly advise you to seek professional legal advice.

BalloonSlayer · 24/07/2013 16:21

"To divorce on the grounds of adultery he'd have to sign a statement confessing to it"

Really?

Is that a new thing?

Can you still name people as co-respondents? Could you do that and really piss him off.

Original poster
WantsADivorce · 24/07/2013 16:24

Would i have to pay if I have no income though? I live on benefits and student loan payments.

OP posts:
DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 24/07/2013 16:25

I feel your pain, I have no address for my ex and he refuses to have his lawyers answer me at all. He also has a g.friend Angry

Sidge · 24/07/2013 16:35

Balloon my ex had to sign a statement of adultery to support my application for divorce on the grounds of his adultery. Whether that's essential or just makes the divorce easier I'm not 100% sure.

I could have named the OW as a co-respondent but was advised against it as it makes the divorce potentially longer, more costly and means she becomes 'part' of the divorce process and as such is included in all paperwork and petitions etc.

Wants have a look at the link I posted, there are some concessions or exemptions for court fees but dependent on income, benefits etc. I believe Legal Aid is no longer available for divorce so you may need to meet your own legal costs (but it may be available for mediation).

nooka · 24/07/2013 16:51

If your ex has only been seeing someone after you separated then I can see why he doesn't want to have it on record that he committed adultery because in both his eyes and the eyes of the world he didn't (regardless of whether they are shagging now, you have separated so are both free agents). Personally I would wait the two years and then get the paperwork done. I know that 2015 seems a long way off but it is by far the simplest and least painful way. In the interim you could get a separation agreement drawn up which might well give you the closure you are looking for.

Sorry it all worked out so badly for you.

iheartdusty · 24/07/2013 22:30

nooka, if OP does a separation agreement she then has to do it all again for a divorce. Twice the fees, twice the hassle.

OP, your H does not have to 'agree' to a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour or adultery. The only time that consent is required is if you want to rely on the specific ground that you have been separated two years and you both consent to a divorce. Otherwise, you just fill out your petition and get on with it.

it's true that it can be inflammatory to include loads and loads of allegations; why not just set out the simple fact that your OH is in a relationship with another women.

If he won't admit to 'adultery' as such, then you might find it difficult to prove that fact; so just stick to unreasonable behaviour.

It sounds as though you would be fee-exempt at the moment anyway.

However, here is the big thing. It is not hard to do the divorce yourself, the process that ends the marriage. It can be very hard to sort out the money side of things, although your situation looks simpler than many, and I would really strongly advise you to get at least some preliminary legal advice about the arrangements for your DD.

these three aspects are all linked, but they are separate.

MidniteScribbler · 25/07/2013 05:10

How is it adultery if you had already separated when they got together?

Thumbwitch · 25/07/2013 05:36

Because they're still married, Midnite.

Lonecatwithkitten · 25/07/2013 08:00

There are boxes on the forms that you tick to say who will pay. I focused ExH's mind on my solicitors advice by ticking that uncontested I would pay court fees contested we would split. The court fees for decree nici are £345 so the £37 must be for the on line company submitting the forms to the court.

Original poster
WantsADivorce · 25/07/2013 12:18

Midnite unless you have signed something freeing each other from the obligations of marital fidelity, then sleeping with someone after you separate is still technically adultery. It might seem petty, but demz da rulez.

I have spoken to him about it and he says he's ok with unreasonable behaviour, though we will see if he still thinks that when his parents stick their oar in.

I have looked into it and I'm pretty sure I'm exempt from the fees, so will be doing it sooner rather than later so that I can afford it.

I'll ask my parents if I can speak to their solicitor about childcare etc. but I expect we'd go for a casual arrangement as she is only little atm and I am planning on working our way up to 50/50 as she gets older. H agrees with me on this.

Thanks for all your advice and support, I have been feeling quite anxious about this and your replies have really helped me to avoid any additional hostility between H and I. Flowers

OP posts:
MumnGran · 25/07/2013 12:23

Just an input ....my solicitor advised me that "unreasonable behaviour" requires proof to be given to the court ....adultery does not, these days.
That is why my ex rolled for the adultery instead, as he did not want those details out in the public domain.

Just might be worth checking it all through with solicitor to see what actual proofs will need to be demonstrated.

Caveat - the u'r behaviour in my case was quite specific, and this may be why proof would have been required.

iheartdusty · 25/07/2013 13:19

No proof of unreasonable behaviour is required beyond the words written on the petition, which is then signed by the petitioner, as is the statement in support (which is another tick box form).