Please advise my DP on his parental rights? (Warning, long!)

[dontmeanto]

Here's the situation, and we would really appreciate some insight if anyone has experienced similar?

My DP and his ex have been split up now for 3 years, and had 2 dc's together (4 and 2...the 2nd child conceived during a very brief reconciliation period). DP left because of the constant rowing, she was EXTREMELY bitter about him walking away at the time, though recently acknowledged it was for the best as the kids are better off being raised in argument-free homes.

Their relationship post-split went from rocky, to tolerable, to amicable, and then eventually to quite friendly over the 3 years, with an early-on agreed contact time of a couple hours every Tuesday night at her house (she would go grocery shopping and then eventually out with her boyfriend who she met a year or so after the split while DP gave kids bath and put to bed), and then every Sat eve to Sun eve.

DP and I became serious about 14 months ago, and after meeting me she and DP decided between them that would be awkward for him to keep going over to her's every Tuesday night so agreed to let them stay overnight Tuesday nights and DP would take them to school and nursery every Wednesdsy morning. This is how it's been every week for the past year and a bit.

Anyway, I'm getting wordy so I'll try to make this brief...

About 3 months ago, DP was made redundant and had to quickly scramble around for new job. He luckily found one in his field but with a pay cut and a longer commute. He explained this to Ex and she was fine about it, made no reference to a change in contact time.

Then he told her after working out bills and his net pay that he was going to possibly have to pay her less maintenance in the future (the correct amount as calculated by the CSA based on his income...he was paying her over £100 more than this per month plus buying new clothes quarterly and with the pay cut we were worried it wouldn't be possible), and the shit hit the fan, basically.

She phoned him up out of the blue a couple days later and said she and her best friend (?) have decided it's in the boys' best interest to stop the Tuesday overnight time altogether as my DP would be half an hour later to pick them up because of the commute. The best friend would now be taking the boys to school/nursery Wednesday mornings. My DP suggested, as the boys have built up a relationship with me, their soon to be SM, that I pick them up at usual time, prepare their tea, and then DP will be home half hour later. I will also take them to school in morning.

At first she said no, then she wavered, saying she didn't want to put on me, we assured her she wasn't and to us the most important thing is contact stays the same. DP has never been more than 3-4 days without seeing them, and vice versa.

She finally backed down, but then DP said to her he didn't think it fair that she had right to just change contact on whim, he'd like something in writing because for the brief couple of days she steadfastly said he'd no longer be seeing the boys mid-week, was like taking him to hell and back emotionally. They should be able to discuss and come up with things together as the boys' mutual parents, etc., instead of her just ringing up and changing things. She had no comment.

A week later we received a letter from her solicitor stating that the Tuesday contact would stop, that him trying to persuade her to change her mind was harassing and that mediation would not be an option as she would feel "coerced." There was absolutely no mention of me or of the plan that I would now help maintain normal contact. As far as her solicitors are concerned, they think he is suggesting picking them up when he gets off work, which in her eyes is too late on a school night. They agree, because they don't know I exist.

Truthfully, we feel this is a back-handed "punishment" because of the reduction in maintenance, coupled with her recent split from boyfriend. We have a saved text from her about 10 days before she phoned up with the contact change which says to my DP "I'm lonely, skint, and want what you've got." (meaning happy relationship I think.) She has always made DP feel his financial contribution isn't enough, referring to it as a pittance even though as I stated before it's been substantially more than he'd have to pay by law (DP earns less than £20k).

So DP is currently meeting with a solicitor who is trying to push for mediation, with a view that this could go to court. DP will take this that far if needed, even if it means paying fees til the day he dies, because he feels so strongly that his rights are being violated as a father. There is so much more backstory, but this is not the first time the boys have been used as weapons. We also think she might not be coping with my getting closer to the boys (I've been on other side of this so I know it's not easy accepting new people into your children's lives). We really don't think she is THAT concerned that DP coming home a half hour later is too big of a change in their routine, based on the fact she initially backed down. She flat out refuses to acknowledge or refute why me looking after them for that half hour until he gets home is unacceptable to her.

So, basically, we'd like to know if we have a chance to restore contact to what it's been if we feel its necessary to go to court? There is the argument the boys are too young to know the difference, but we've noticed a massive change in oldest boy, who has become incredibly clingy to DP and says he misses him several times.

This is an extremely emotionally sensitive issue for DP, so would appreciate gentle perspective. He is finding the having to go 6-7 days in between visits very difficult, as it's never been this long before.

He also wants to know is it wrong of him to expect to be treated equally in decisions made about the boys and could this also be worked out in contact agreement (i.e. She won't have right to ring up on whim and change things?)?

Sorry so long and there's lots more background but don't want to drip-feed, so any clarification needed just ask. Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

I think that when he mentioned "something in writing" he effectively shat on what had been a good relationship with his ex. She had agreed to you picking the children up....she has been good with communication....he pissed her off and made her feel threatened so she reacted in kind with her own solicitor.

I think that to suggest it's because of the drop in her maintenance is rather horrible....there's no evidence of that...she's never used the children as a weapon before...why would she begin now?

I also think that there may be other reasons why she thinks the children would be better off with her friend collecting them...does she also have DC? Are they her children's friends? Perhaps they want to go with her.

Neo - The children HAVE been used as weapons before.

My DP went through a lengthy court battle to get a contact order. It took many months but in the end the Magistrates took a dim view of DPs EXW. She used the children in many ways and is now trying desperately to cover her tracks with the eldest DC. She even made him see them in a contact centre for a while until she was told in no uncertain terms that this was stopping with immediate effect! Magistrates see this all of the time and know when women are using their DCs. EXW now tells DD1 that the court made her go to the contact centre!

My DP got everything written into the court order, including Christmas, Birthdays, Father's Day and Mother's Day. Once in there that's it. She can't not allow contact or she's breaching the court order! Be aware that until it comes before the magistrates the court can't make her do anything. Our first few court appearances were in front of a legal adviser who had no power whatsoever.

Have you thought that the extra nights contact in the week could affect any CSA calculations as there is a reduction after around about 52 nights?

i agree hear in the fact the minute your Dp askd for it in writting sent quite rightly alarm signals to the mother who was at that point happy to discuss matters verbally and to try to come to an arrangement.
Quite frankly thats where you went wrong. Try calling her and asking to meet on netrual teritory to disucs the children. they need to go on their own.
going down the court route for contact orders will continue through thier lives as things change as they get older or people change jobs etc. This alone will cost alot of money. Also if partites dont agree cafcass get involved and children are interviewed over and over again and this only will make the relationship between all parites ex, dp and children very strained and i do not advise this if at all possible.

I know what you're saying about him asking for stuff in writing effectively ending the ability to work things out, and DP knew he was risking her retaliation, but there are past incidences of her withholding the boys before until DP agrees to certain things. She has, for example, in the past phoned him up on a whim to ask if we could have them last minute as she would have a date/party/girl's night out invite. 9 times out of 10 we'd say yes, but God forbid if we said no because one of us was ill or we had made plans that evening. DP would get guilt-ridden texts implying he doesn't value extra time with them.

Then if DP would ask if he could take them somewhere special as a one-off on a non-contact day (or asking to swap), he'd be met with flat-out resistance: "No, unreasonable request."

So basically she's willing to be flexible with contact time when it suits her. At one point we were having the boys 4 nights a week when she was internet dating.

So for her to stop all that on a whim seemed under-handed and unfair, which is why even when she backed down initially, he was still upset about it when he feels he bends over backwards for her but she still withholds the boys unless it suits her. Which is why he asked for it in writing.

At one point she would only speak to me on the phone when we were trying to work things out. I asked her if there was a reason she preferred the friend taking the boys to school, and she just said, "dontmeanto, no offence, but why should YOU get to take them to school?" In fact the whole conversation was me trying to mediate while she basically shouted down the phone at me.

Anyway, I've realised asking for advice here really isn't appropriate as you're only getting one side. I think my DP is desperate to not feel like she has this power of changing contact over him anymore, so hopefully one way or another we get it worked out. Bottom line is, he's desperately missing his kids. Thanks for all replies.

Contact is for the benefit of children rather than anything to do with parental equality and rights.

Good contact for children relies on separated parents working together, or at least not against each other, and a degree of flexibility. Going to court tends to lead to resentment and resistance which makes it difficult or impossible for parents to work together. Court orders are often inflexible and there is no guarantees that extra contact over and above the minimum amount stipulated in the order will ever be offered or of compliance.

With parenting issues there is often no absolute right or wrong and like parents court children welfare officers and judges have different attitudes and do different things with the interests of children at heart. Some think children should "live" in two homes, although not necessarily 50:50 equal time sharing, but others think midweek contact is disruptive and children's interests are best served living in one home.

Parents are generally more satisfied with arrangements they have made between themselves and more likely to adhere to agreements than orders of the court. Mediation helps separated parents to learn to work together so that communication can be improved and problems resolved constructively. However it still takes a great deal of commitment, hard work and compromise to make agreements work.

New partners are a potential minefield. It is only natural for someone to resent having been left, particularly if they are financially worse off and/or are finding it difficult coping with the children on their own. IT is one thing a new partner providing their partner with a shoulder to lean on, but quite another when the new partner contributes to conflict by taking on disputes between the separated parents as their own. Ex partners need to be treated with respect and sensitivity, and reassured that a new partner isn't taking their place as a parent.

STIDW, I appreciate your advice. I went through similar with my ExH, although he left me for OW and had to get used to her becoming a massive part of my son's life, so I am extra sensitive to resentment/concern with being the new partner. She has said I am "lovely" and like I mentioned before, only wanted to speak to me on the phone regarding contact, as she and DP were getting nowhere by shouting to each other on the phone. Like I said before, this is a very emotional issue for both parties.

I am not trying get myself in the middle, but asked here in order to gain some outside perspective. DP does not belong to a public forum so I thought I would ask on his behalf.

Thanks again for your insight.