Mediation Question..

[starbuckmum4]

My DP and his ex have a shared residency order. It was all agreed between them and written into a by consent order.

Most aspects of residency are covered but there was one point they couldn't agree on. DP wants to change one minor point of contact to benefit the children and his ex doesn't, she won't negotiate or even hear it mentioned. The Judge said they should go to mediation and discuss it, fair enough. This is written into the residency order.

DP's solicitor feels what he is asking for is entirely reasonable, and likely to be agreed by a Judge (in her experience) However, he realises mediation should happen first.

So, DP's solicitor made the mediation referral. The mediator got in touch with DP and asked for the brief details and said they would write to his ex to propose mediation and get the ball rolling. They called today so say she hasn't replied within the 14 day period they offer for response. She has asked DP to come into the mediation office to collect a FM1 form. Am I right in thinking this is what he needs to produce to the court to say he attempted mediation but the other party wouldn't comply?

The mediator said in addition to the FM1 he should book a 45 min session with her (almost £100) and then she would be able to write him a full "reference" for want of a better word, which she said will prove to the Judge that he tried his best to do mediation and ex refused and therefore give him permission to ask the Judge to decide/rule on the issue in question.

So (sorry it's long) is this extra session worth the money or will an FM1 do by itself? We have checked and this mediation firm are the largest in the area, come highly recommended by various local people and DP's trusted solicitor so I don't think they are trying to fleece DP for money, but I thought I'd ask here anyway.

Thank you.

Thank you for your reply, that's very helpful to know.

She didn't agree to mediation as such, the Judge told them they would both attend mediation and parenting courses and it wasn't really an option to say no, it was more an instruction than a question, if that makes sense. It's been added to bottom of the residency order under all the other points that they had agreed between themselves.

It's not really a point that can be "negotiated" as such, they have 50/50 residency my DP just wants one slight ammendment to the schedule for the DSC to be allowed to attend a club they love doing but it would mean we have them 1 night extra a month and she disagrees as "they will think she loves them less" She refuses to discuss it so we knew she'd refuse mediation, she has refused it before years go before everything got to court.

DP wants to go back to court as we are pretty certain a Judge making the decision will see how minor a change it is and how it will benefit the children. So I will tell him to save the money as he doesn't need the oter appointment and just collect and take the FM1 to court. I wonder why the mediator suggested it at all, other than to gain money for the firm. Hmm.

I attended the initial mediation session even though ExH never agreed. The one thing I found was that having someone independent listen to everything did was to help me to see where I was being reasonable and where I wasn't. I then helped me to feel justified in pursuing the things that an independent person though was reasonable. So whilst it might not be legally necessary it could be emotionally helpful.

Thank you for your reply. I can see you found it very helpful and I understand why when there are various points of discussions and areas for negotiation. The thing is, this is all about one very simple very minor adjustment to their otherwise agreed residency order- all other areas of reside cy are already agreed and finalised. Plus we can't really afford it if it's not essential.

I thought mediation was voluntary? Isn't that the whole point?

No one can be court ordered to mediate, can they?

If it's such a tiny point why all the angst?

I didn't know that it wasn't possible for a Judge to order mediation. I guess he didn't really order anything as the residency order is all points they agreed on so a "by consent" order. DP is happy not to mediate but he new he had to at least propose/attempt it and wait for his ex to refuse/ignore it in order to be able to return the matter to court, present all the information to the Judge and ask the Judge to decide. Thanks everyone. It seems the FM1 is enough.

It's a tiny point in the grand scheme of things, a tiny point compared to everything else that has been agreed, a tiny point compared to residency problems other people have. If that makes sense. But my DP (and I) believe it would make a massive difference to the DSC, and it's only 2 evenings a month when their mum works anyway. DP wants to be able to collect them from school those 2 days a month rather than their Childminder collecting them and having them til their mum finishes work. There isn't really any good reason for it not to happen other than their mum's idea that they have to be split exactly 50/50.

Is the childminder nearer to the mums house than you are?

Personally . I think he would be better to stick to the agreement for now rather than risk antagonism with their mother over a tiny point.

He could then in the future suggest she save money on childcare by him being willing to pick them up from school.

Thanks for your posts/opinions RedHelenB.

It seems like a tiny point but this is the only activity the DSC do, they don't have any others as thier mum won't agree to take them to any (or she is working and the Childminder won't/can't) and she won't agree to DP or I taking them. So if he doesn't perdue it they just won't be able to have any regualar after school club, hobby or activity- which is pretty crap for two primary aged kids.

The CM is nearer to her house but we are nearer to school, none walking distance so all involve a short drive. The saving money thing doesn't bother her, DP has said his before and she declined. She is obsessed about keeping things perfectly 50/50 for some reason. We think it could be because she is embarassed to say she has the kids less- but that's just speculation. A whole other thread too!

He is going to cancel the mediation session and just collect the FM1. Returning matters to court in the summer holidays so hopefully he'll get the changes he proposes as it'd be so nice for the DSC and makes no difference to the amount of time they spend seeing their mum anyway.

starbuck I'm sure your DH could find activities for your DSC that they could attend fortnightly.

that's what my DP did for DSS; his mum refused to take him to a football club, so DP found one local to us that ran on the day of the week DSS is here and DP spoke to the coach who agreed that DSS could attend every other week!

No need for your DSC to miss out or to hassle the court with trivia! There'll be far more important issues to resolve in the future, I'm sure and your DP wouldn't want to get a reputation for seeking legal intervention at the slightest thing.