Am I the primary carer?

[nessynessy]

Hi, I have separated from my husband although we are still in the same house because neither of us can afford to move out until we sell our house.
Our children are 5 and 2. I have worked part-time since my eldest was born and returned to full-time employment last September when we split up, as I needed the money. I have done the vast majority of child care, I cook, clean, sort out everything for the children.
When we (finally) move into separate houses I propose that my ex has the children 2 out of 3 weekends and also a further 2 days every three weeks. These days are all his days off from work as he works a 3 week rota, as do I.

The issue is that he is insisting he has them 50% of the time, which would mean at one point in the 3 weeks I won't see them for 8 days.

My question is who decides who the primary carer is and what does this mean in terms of sorting out the custody of the children? It seems obvious to me that I am their main carer but my ex disagrees.

I propose to revert to part-tme working within the next few weeks.

Thank-you in anticipation.

Nobody decides who is the primary carer at this stage. the starting point is that you have equal legal rights (Called "parental responsibility") which gives you both a say in major decisions regarding the children's upbringing. As for how much time the children spend with separated parents, you firstly need to look at what is best for the children. Any issue over who has historically been the primary carer is not that important as you are looking forward and not back.

I probably was the primary carer, but we now share 50:50 care.
I have DD Monday and Thursday night and he has her Tuesday and Wednesday. We share weekends, but due to my rota sometimes they come in runs rather than strictly every other weekend. This is also very much what DD wanted.

Thank you for your replies. I don't believe that going back and forth from 2 houses during the school week will be the best thing for my children, particularly my eldest.

I think I have no choice but to speak to a solicitor, which is something I had tried to avoid doing.

How many days would that mean the children see their Dad?

Would they be happy with this access?

They would see him 8 days out of 21 - which I know is a weird way to describe it but we both work shifts and our rota runs for 3 weeks from start to finish.

They would be with him for 2 weekends out of 3 (long weekends, Friday to Monday) and then a couple of days in the week.

I haven't asked them how they'd feel (youngest is only 2) because they don't know we are splitting up yet. Although we separated a while back we are still in the same house. The arrangement I am suggesting is basically how we look after them at the moment.

They love their Dad and I don't have any major issues with him looking after them but I believe that the best thing for them is to remain with me as much as possible during the week.

Can you see his viewpoint ? How would you feel if he was suggesting the reverse of what you are suggesting? Would you be ok with seeing your children 8 days out of 21 ?

But it's not about him, is it?!! It's about what's best for the children. Stability, routine, consistency. For 3 years the bloke never looked them on his own and the first time he was required to do so he got his sister to look after them. So TBH I'm not overly interested in his viewpoint.

Why are you going back to part time work? Is it childcare?

That viewpoint isn't going to help your case at all. Your dh has equal rights at this stage.

It is indeed about what is best for the children. The courts generally take the view that it is best for them to have a meaningful relationship with both parents.

The best approach is to agree contact arrangements between you. That avoids wasting money on legal fees and should mean you can arrive at a compromise that keeps both of you reasonably happy. If you take the attitude that you aren't interested in your ex's viewpoint it is going to end up in court. The courts like parents to co-operate and sort things out between themselves wherever possible. If you come across in court the way you did in your last post it will not help your case.

You want him to have 8 days in every 21. He wants a 50/50 arrangement, i.e. 10.5 days in every 21. You complain that 50/50 means you won't see your children for 8 days at one point. I presume your proposal means they go for even longer without seeing their father.

I would urge you to try to reach a compromise.

nessy that is exactly my point.
presumeably he thinks his proposed arrangement is better for the children