The real significance of a SRO?

[nicknamegame]

Some of you might remember that my ex took me to court to change the way he sees our dd and blamed a 14 mile distance for no longer wanting to have contact mid week. He wanted three weekends in 4, and I objected.

I'm pleased to say we had the final hearing and he agreed during negotiations to all of my proposals, which were basically to have every other weekend and a mid week if he wanted it. He agreed to every other weekend and every other mid week. It was all over in 10 minutes. I couldn't believe he rejected these offers in mediation and at 2 prior hearings yet he agreed in 10 minutes. He asked for a shared residency order and I agreed on the basis that it means nothing in terms of current contact arrangements.

What I'd like to know is...is this normal? To take it to the wire, spend thousands of pounds on legal fees and then agree it all in the end anyway? He told an awful lot of lies in his statement and I submitted over 20 exhibits which would have made him look very foolish during cross examination I think....so is this reason he backed down? Did his barrister tell him not to bother? Obviously i am relieved but I am furious that it has all been for nothing and the strain has been immense.

I'd like to be able to anticipate what his appetite for doing this all over again will be. I know it's not uncommon to abuse people through the courts and I just couldn't face this again.

Am I right about the shared residency order meaning nothing really? Is this something he could use as yet another stick to beat me with? What does it really give him? He is being VERY gloaty about it, calling it joint custody and that he 'won' ( ignore ignore ignore)

Sorry it's a bit rambly, my head is spinning

Bumping for advice if poss

I've posted in steps as well but for piece of mind i would love a legal bod to tell me if the SRO can be used in any other way to give me grief.

Thank you!

Not really. It sounds to me as if it's a face-saver, so he can say he won, where he didn't actually get anything special.

If the arrangements are defined as you say, about the only thing he "wins" is that you can both take away for holidays without agreement (but only so as not to impinge on each others' time) and you can both appoint a Guardian by will and have that appointment take effect even if the other one of you is still alive.

I wouldn't waste time trying to work out his motivations. Just feel glad that you've come out with an arrangement that reflected what you believe to be best for your daughter.

Just curious, given that he eventually agreed to what you proposed very early on, at the last minute, does that mean you can get him to stump up the cost of taking the case that far? Or are you left with the cost no matter how he has conducted himself? I'm not a legal bod, just curious as to how these things work.

Well done OP, btw!

hi, I don't know about the SRO so watching that with interest. But my ex has just taken me to court over finances and it has cost me (and him) a lot of money. I didn't get everything I wanted but I got most and had a year ago told my legal team that I would compromise to that extent to get settlement. So it is definitely a power game and about control. I am sure he will try the same soon on the contact so am trying to keep the status quo going for as long as possible so that we have some stability. Truthfully I cant afford to fight as hard next time whereas he can. Hoping by standing my ground and not being bullied this time he will leave well alone!

Re: costs I was told that I could not claim them back from him, despite him refusing mediation after 3 very poor sessions and him having income and me not. I have had to liquidate assets to pay for my costs.

SROs are largely symbolic. They don't mean that a guardianship clause in a will takes effect even if there is a surviving parent.

It can be useful if there is a perceived power imbalance. It reinforces the concept of shared parenting, which is usually a good thing.

Thanks guys, agree it seems mostly symbolic and to be honest, he launched proceedings to change contact arrangements, rather than that. He lost out on the contact arrangements because he backed down at the last min and agreed to the entire draft order I proposed. What an arse to take it that far.

It's cost me well over 12k in fees, and the strain has been terrible. All.for.nothing

I can't claim those costs back. On the upshot, I believe he tried to bully me through the legal system and failed.

£12K? That just seems so outrageous, given the outcome. Bloody hell. Sorry I've nothing constructive to add. I'm just for you.

Bunchy you gave me some excellent advice a while back...dd was ill and he gave me dogs abuse because she couldn't go for contact? That's who I'm dealing with.
The outcome wasn't worth 12k no, largely because by doing so he has stolen money from me that I need to raise our child. (He won't pay adequately for her because he believes that his costs in having her EOW weekend are the same as mine for having her the rest of the time)

For me, a defined court order will bring me some peace and I will take him on again if his appetite for the courts hasn't been sated this time.

Nicknamegame I was thinking exactly along those lines - that's money you no longer have for raising your DD. I literally have no words to describe how i view someone who would do that when it comes to their own child. I hope the outcome gives you some space from his onslaught, you bloody well deserve it.

Oh bunchy, he is furious with ME for doing this....and he did it because I raised an objection to something that happened while dd was in his care. According to him, court was the least I could expect for doing that. He did it to teach me a lesson and spectacularly failed. Being taken to court would never stop me from raising concerns I have - I would do it all over again in a heatbeat.

Financially, yes it's been awful, and it makes me laugh that he is the furious one but I learned a long time ago that you cannot reason with someone as unhinged as him, so I don't bother.

Bit gutted I didn't see him squirm under cross examination though! Haha!

That might have been worth £12k

I remember what kicked it all off, and I think your actions throughout have been measured and entirely justified. Maybe he'll have a moment of clarity one day and realise just what an utter arsewipe he has been

Seriously though, I admire your strength and determination in all of this. Your DD is one lucky wee girl to have you.

Thanks bunchy!
I feel really good to be honest, it obviously niggles that he feels there was a victory of sorts for him, which I ordinarily would ignore save for the fact it might spur him on to drag me back there on a whim. I'm trying to put it to the back of my mind though and realise that he went in there to get a contact arrangement that he wanted, and came out with another one, so by my reckoning, he wasted his time.

Thanks again