Divorce. How do I choose a solicitor? What questions should I ask?

[NightOfTheCactus]

That really

Some background. Just coming out of a haze of years of EA to end my marriage.

H and I are being relatively civil with one another at the moment. I want to divorce as amicably as possible and be fair as possible for the sake of DD.

It's a bit of a weird situation at the moment. DH and I have a mortgage in both names. DH is working. I am a SAHM. I'm unable to work at the moment due to MH issues, though I aim (now I have some rudimentary self-esteem at last) to try and get myself working - just therapist wants me to start with voluntary work to build up my confidence (I have OCD which I am starting to get under control, but there is every possibility that I might relapse if I take on too much too soon). I am going to need to claim benefits for a while til I can get on my feet. Obviously I won't be able to get HB for the mortgage, so it's looking like we'll need to sell the house and split the equity.

H was made redundant a year and a half ago and spent a year trying to get a new job. The only job he was able to get was in another city on the other side of the country, so at the moment, he stays with a friend in this other city and comes here to stay every couple of weekends (it has been having this time without him that has given me the strength to say that enough is enough). This arrangement is still in place - just I sleep on the sofa when he visits. He has an interview today for a job in our city and the aim is he wants to move back to this city as was always his intention so he can be close to DD.

I guess because we have the luxury of distance from one another at the moment, I've spent a month not getting on with progressing things (there's also the issue that we don't want to tell DD yet as she's only 6, and while he's away, the split will be even more confusing for her)

At the moment H is paying the mortgage, the bills and is giving me £300 per month housekeeping for food etc for me and DD. I want to be in a position where I can start claiming the benefits, because at the moment I don't know if the benefits people would believe we are actually separated, cos I guess it's not really fair on H to be paying this now when I've made it clear I don't want to be with him anymore.

So I want to try making a couple of 1/2 hour appointments with solicitors to get a feeling of what I need to do next, as I don't have a clue! I wonder if anyone could give me advice on what I need to ask and what it would be good to look for in a solicitor.

Thanks for your help

You should choose a solicitor who's a member of Resolution. Look at resolution.org.uk to find one in your area.

Use the half hour wisely. tbh the solicitor doesn't need, at that stage, to know the ins and outs of the breakdown of the marriage, so just say you will be divorcing your H on his unreasonable behaviour or whatever and will go into that at a later stage. The priority is to get a handle on the finances.

Go in armed with a piece of paper estimating the value of the assets (get your house valued by 3 estate agents if poss), how much each of you has in savings/shares/valuables, also joint assets, and whether there are any debts to be taken into account, as well as an updated figure of the mortgage outstanding. The solicitor will then be able to give you useful guidance about whether the house will definitely need to be sold, or the sale delayed.

So far as benefits are concerned, your best bet would be to go on the "entitled to" website, input the figures you know, and it will tell you what you're entitled to claim. Often lawyers don't know all the ins and outs of the benefit system, and have only a broad brush knowledge.

I was a divorce lawyer for 25 years so did lots of these free half hours. Clients always got the most out of that short period of time if they focussed on the practicalities. If you need to talk about your emotional state, take your mate out for a glass of wine, don't waste £200 an hour plus telling your solicitor!

You should not assume that you can't get legal aid. If your GP agrees that your MH issues are a result of domestic abuse, which sounds very possible, then if you get a letter from the GP confirming this, a solicitor can sign you up for Legal Help, and then certificate if you can't reach agreement. More information here

www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid-for-private-family-matters/legal-aid-divorcing-separating-abusive-partner

In addition, you should consider mediation, although the domestic abuse may make that unsuitable. If you are financially eligible for legal aid (sounds as if you may well be) then mediation will be free, and the mediator will sign a form that will also allow you to get free legal advice in support of the mediation, and to draw up any order if you reach a deal.

Thanks - that's enormously helpful. Definitely not wanting to waste the half hour with the marriage guidance stuff! Just thought it might be a good idea to make sure I go in with the right information.

To be honest, H and I are getting on in quite a civil way at the moment (helps that we only see each other every other weekend at the moment!) and most of the EA was happening when my mental health was at its worse. It didn't follow the pattern of most of the EA checklists I've seen, so I was unable to identify what it was - but the Lundy Bancroft book is helping me see things clearer - that and having spent a few months without him here all the time and seeing that I'm so much better without him here. Because of that, I don't think I'd necessarily be able to prove that EA had a negative impact on my mental health - and H can be quite plausible in front of others.

Also, I want to make things as civilised as possible for the sake of DD - who adores her Dad.

I gather for Unreasonable Behaviour examples, I can only use those from over the last 6 months - I don't have any really strong examples for this period as we have spent most of the time away from one another, and he's being nicer to me now I'm not so ill - so hoping I can come up with current examples strong enough to be acceptable - not sure how many examples I need to provide.

I'll definitely try a Resolution solicitor - not heard of them before, so thanks for the tip.

Check out Collaborative lawyers near you too. Details are on the Resolution website, together with a summary of how a collaborative approach can help.

That looks interesting - will read up on it - thanks