Father on Anti-depressant seeking contact with the baby he has never met before

[Ahimsa]

Baby born after Seperation. I had only one sexual partner in my whole life that is my ex-husband- I was cent percent sure he is the dad. He knows this very well but tried to sort out the divorce with out the child on the papers and to escape from paying maintenance - he raised paternal dispute.

I applied for CSA and remained calm. They made the order to pay. He informed them about the paternal dispute but they still take action against him unless he proves it is not his baby -Thanks to CSA rules -he atlast paid for the test and got the divorce finalised with the baby as the child of the family in it.

He did not show any interest in contact rather than mentioning "contact will be agreed in due course" - till the decree made absolute. He is now seeking for contact soon after he got insulted in home country where he tried to get married to a girl with more dowry saying he is a bachelor who has never married and one of my relatives accidentally met by girl's party published the baby matter.

Father was on antidepressants when I was living together. He was driving car while undertaking anti depressants. he hide the car in neighbourhood parking if his counsellor visits him. There is a history of Domestic violences, my solicitor filled a supervised contact referral form and sent it to them to my ex-s approval and then to be passed on to the contact centre. There was a question regarding the child's safety : "Any adults involved in this contact has any medical conditions/ disabilities/ mental illnesses? Give details." We mentioned "father has a medical history of depression" in the form. But in the form they have sent to the centre - this was deleted and just "yes" been marked - which leads the supervisor of a blind picture of who has what?

The baby has never met him before. I am concerned about the why of this deletion. He has threatened me in the past that whatever he does to me he won't get punished as he is a depressed person. I am worried if he is planning to harm the baby and hide behind his illness as he threatened me before?

What should I do? Should I go for the contact without raising my concern? Will I be thought to be putting obstract to his access to the child if I raise my concern about this deletion with a view to withhold the information knowingly?

Don't know why you're fixated on the depression for which he's receiving treatment.

If I were you I'd concentrate more on:

1. The violence
2. His links abroad (abduction?)
3. His disowning the child (and general lack of commitment).

He now has to do much to demonstrate his commitment.

There is nothing to stop you telling the contact centre about his depression, although TBH it really won't make much of a difference.

Thanks collaborate.

He has paid the maintenance only once in the 9 months. CSA is still chasing by means of letters.

My solicitor promised to do it before holiday but failed to convey the details of contact centre (which I gave him on oct 12th )for nearly 3 months - left the casework unattended(when he sought for contact at the first instance on sept 20th - he does not know my whereabouts as it is kept confidential due to DV history) - the solicitor was away - till Jan 4th I could not get contact with him - all my phone calls gone to voicemail- i chased him up on the return from holiday, appologising for the negligence and begging not to go against him as his profession will be ruined and he has family relied on his earnings etc - sent a letter on 7th Jan. When I expressed my worry about the results of his delay would bring negative impact on me - he convinced me saying after 20th sept he did not hear anything from my ex's side - so they can't raise anything against me.

when I followed up again in feb 18th - my solicitor phoned them up - and came up with a strange fact - ex has filed C4 in the court (without notice to me) to disclose the whereabouts of the child and was saying they did not received any such letter. They then served with a copy of e-mail they sent to my previous e-mail(I am no longer using it as a means of contact as I very much doubt any e-mails received to it are reliable - when I was with ex I have seen him opening that e-mail when I have never told him the password - i keep it unclosed due to the archived e-mails from the past I need for documentation) and the c4, c100 seeking contact order, and a copy of letter they mentioned to be sent in 19th nov.

At present my solicitor is negotiating to arrange a contact happen to prevent them going to court - seems to be very reluctant to point out any objection on my behalf and also to raise any concerns of mine with regard to contact. This is the present position. I feel insecure about my present position. Who should I get advice from? As I have a solicitor most advice linesrefuse to advise me - Should I change solicitor ?

Could you let me know how to PM you. I would like to get more advice from you on what you have written above.

Keep the CSa/money separate....contact and maintenance shouldn't be mentioned together

Court is for contact. And his depression will not stop or hinder a court from allowing contact. Raise your concerns, but he will get contact

And I don't get the driving/depression comment.... Why couldn't he drive? What was he prescribed?

Arriprazole 20mg; Metazaphine 20mg; both were anti depressants that could affect the ability to drive. he was advised to send the application to DVLA for a diagnosis on fitness to drive which he has never undertaken.

Would that be wrong if i objected to go forward with the contact till I get the reply for this concern raised.

I don't think his medication and medical condition has anything to do with you really. Raising it as an issue makes you sound quite vindictive to me. I agree with Collaborate, you need to focus on those points.

I'm on antidepressants - so that makes me an unfit parent?

Op's ex's medication can affect his fitness to drive and he has failed to comply with a DVLA test to determine if his driving will be a risk for his DC.
It is perfectly valid for OP to be concerned.

Im on a much higher dose than that no mention of dvla the op clearly wanted the response that people with mh issues should not have access to children only drip fed the dvla info when called on it blatant discrimination but im getting used to it

Everything else totally sympathise with op

Sorry just had time to go through the thread again. @ Lucyellensmum95 I do appologise if i have lead you feel discriminated.

I do not have feeling of discriminating some one against their medical condition. They could have answered with a "no". Then I won't be concerned about. By this deletion of details and merely leaving the answer "yes" where the question is concerned about both adults involved - they have blind folded the CC as to whether who have what condition. This is what I am concerned and feel offensed.

They had already twisted the actual facts to mislead the court in the child matter during the divorce case:

Birth has informed the next day baby was born. Decree was made to be absolute in about 25 days. Till prior to the deadline they were trying to pressurise me through my solicitors not to file the notice of application for the child to be included - I clearly stated I know very well this child is his and therefore the child of the family and this will be notified to the court. After we made the application they came down to pay full and arranged from their side for DNA test. They served a copy of contact arrangement to us which is the one was agreed but served the court a different version brings the happenings totally upside down - that i have never informed them about the birth till the notice of application was made and until I apply for the DNA test.

This is why I am concerned they keep going on twisting and changing the facts in to a wrong direction. If I just leave this matter then later they may turn up in the court and say I agreed to this merely "yes" so it implies that I have illness. Heard many stories where the father sought to bring a mother who is not actually mentally ill - as to having illness - for the sake of obtaining residence.

Sounds to me like you have an issue with his Depression which he is obviously trying to address by taking prescribed medication. Why cant he drive ?
He is showing an interest now in his child so if you think he is a threat to you or your child's safety you need to get a social worker and work trough this together with professionals , that way he can probably see and have safe contact with his child maybe under supervision and move on from there ?

I agree with you. Try to do so.

Firstly HeySoulSister is right - there is no link in law between maintenance and contact so it's best to keep them completely separate.

It sounds like you have some legitimate concerns here. But as Collaborate says they aren't likely to count for much. Courts work on a presumption that if it is safe to do so a child should have contact with a child because it is in their best interests for it to happen.

Something that did stick out - have either of you attended mediation? It's really something that should be attempted before you make an application to court. With a good mediator you can in the best case scenario avoid court together or maybe just `narrow the issues' to work out what things you really can't compromise on. If you went to mediation (and although he's submitted an application meaning a hearing will go ahead) you could raise your concerns about the depression and maybe he could do or say something to deal with them.

Don't get hung up on his medical condition if he is doing something about it. It'll just make you look like you're searching for excuses to deny contact.

Remember you need to look for a long term solution to this. He's always going to be your child's father and if you can work something out with him to avoid a long, nasty and most of all expensive court fight that will leave you both bitter you should do so.

Thx Tewa.

Sorry, which one you mean mediation - Is it through the solicitors or some other body?

TBH I do not want to deny contact. I wanted to raise this concern to get as you said - something from his side either to do or say - as the Contact centre says they won't take this in to account unless it is mentioned in the form which sounds right.

All I want is to get confirmed through his health professionals if he actually presently having any such condition and whether it would put DD in risk or not. The CC and my GP says I have to first raise my concern to him - and depending on his reply or reaction to get advice on what to do further. If he object to give reply then in the best interest of the child there is right for a primary carer to request the relevant HPs to break the confidentiality - they are obliged to do this when it comes to risk of public or a child.

I was a timid foolish believing all he says in the past which put me in this unfortunate position. Being primary carer of DD I can't afford to be timid anymore and put her life in risk. All i want is the CC knows all relevant information regarding the safety of the child.

For say, even the reports confirm he is still on medication then may seek for him to give an undertaking that he won't drive when on medicine which will put the DD in risk.

I feel if I do not raise this before the contact starts then it is not right for me to raise it later on which may give a more worse picture of me as to trying to stop the contact. Won't it be?

Mediation isn't usually organised by a solicitor although it can be ordered by a court. It's something that anyone wanting to resolve a matter should organise before making an application to the court.

National Family Mediation have branches around the country. Google it, find your local one and give them a call. If you explain the situation they will be able to advise you what is possible (like I say - mediation usually happens before an application is made but the court will be more than happy if you manage to agree something with him before the hearing). If nothing else it will possibly show you in a good light - particularly if he never tried to resolve this issue in this way.

Tewa, I had a look. As there is a history of DV it sounds mediation through mediation services may not be the option. But I will try to get their advice before deciding anything.

Their factsheet suggests to go for mediation through the solicitors in this particular situation - but reality is it is very very expensive and there is tendency for a misleading results as most of the dealings between solicitors seems to be money game. Please do not any one get me wrong - I speak from the bitter experience I had during the divorce. When client has more money power - the important letters and e-mails are UNFORTUNATELY NOT GET RECEIVED and important phone calls WON'T BE PRESENT IN THE COURT PAPERS but unimportant one will be twisted as to a matter of fact WHICH HELPS TO MISLEAD THE COURT.

Simply what I learned from the past, if you are with a honest solicitor who sticks to their SRA's code of conduct and professional ethics - then you are the looser definitely. even if being the actual abuser he will defeat the victim using his money power.

Aripiprazole is an antipsychotic and not usually prescribed for depression. If he has been asked to report to the DVLA by a medical professional it is likely that he should not be driving at present. Having any mental illness, including depression or psychosis does not make someone an unfit parent. However, there may be some concern if he is not taking the advice of professionals over safety issues like driving. FWIW my bet would be he's been advised not to drive at the moment due to the condition not the medication.

@Laradaclara:
I only know what he had told me about what his condition. It could be something different. Only his health professionals know that. But I confirmly know that he was adviced to undertake a diagnosis - not by merely believing what he has said but from his activities when I lived with him - he parks the car off somewhere else when his counsellor arrives - his counsellor believing he can't drive due to drowsyness caused by tablets had dropped him off to sign with the immigration control - whenever he goes for appointment with mental health service he parks the car far from the place and walk.

I agree with your point and I am in the same view and my main concern is DD's safety during the contact as he demands for supported contact after few appointments supervised which means he can take her unsupervised visits in his car. I only wanted to get confirmed if there is any risk or not through to his health professionals. I have raised my concern to him through his solicitors and let the contact centre know that I am happy to go forward with the supervised contact once this get confirmed. For me - what I have done so far is right and only in the best interest of the DD. I do not want her to be put in risk by me being a timid to raise voice against similar to the past. I strongly believ I have to learn from the past and reflect as I can't afford to be timid anymore which will put DD in my care in risk.