Filling out the C100- What do I put wrt mediation?

[Readyisknitting]

Fil wants to take us on holiday. To France, this will be the 3rd year, the dc have really enjoyed the previous times. First year, I had to go to court to get permission. 2nd year he signed a simple form, but spent the month before we went trying to get hold of the DC's passports. This year he is refusing to give permission because "it's my turn"

XH is alcoholic, but in denial. There is a history of DV, towards me, and finally one occasion towards dd1. I then fled to a refuge 3.5 years ago. He has the dc 7h every other Sat, and is on Jobseekers, and so has the legal aid. Since I moved in with dp I lost my legal aid, and so am preparing the forms to self rep. I've got to the bit about mediation. I've tried to negotiate through his Sol, and he's gone silent, and refusing to respond because he has said that if he gives permission he wants overnights, and I've said not a problem, we can discuss once you can show sober, and restated his previous hair strand tests. I know, his sol knows and he knows, that it's the only bit of power he has left, and is only saying no because he can.

So what do I do about the mediation box? I'm already really stressed about the idea of self-repping, we cannot afford mediation, one session is over a weeks food budget. I checked the calculator, and although Dp is on a decent wage, he also has a decent mortgage thanks to his xw! Help, because I've just sat here sobbing, and don't know what to do :(

What do the current court orders that are in place state? (paraphrase)

I have a contact agreement, states the 7h contact. Also an undertaking signed by him to not drink for 24h before and during contact, or to drive the kids. He regularly breaks the drinking one, but has not broken the driving one- to my knowledge.

That's all I have. He never questioned the dc remaining with me, so no residence order.

Got 3 hair strand tests, 39, 33 and 53. During the last one he claims to have attended the smart program.

Does all that make sense? Normally I'm really clear headed,but with the other stuff going on I've lost all clarity of thought

I'm presuming here that you're filling in the C100 in order to get the court's permission to take your DD out of the country - since your ex won't agree to it?

I think you will need to attempt mediation first though. A lot of places put their fees on a sliding scale according to income so shop around for the cheapest.

Some of the things you said in your OP concern me though:

I think the "bartering" over contact that you have engaged in with you ex isn't helpful - it is not child-centred and is setting precedents for the future that I suspect you would rather avoid - given your ex's alcohol history, history of DV (including towards your DD on one occasion) and your suspiscion that he is regularly breaking the court order that prohibits him from drinking alcohol 24 hrs before a contact visit.

For instance, you have told your ex that he can have over-nights (when he sobers up) if he gives you permission to take DD to France

If he is currently breaking the conditions of the contact agreement in respect of alcohol then why on earth haven't you taken issue with this before now? Don't you want to ensure your DD's safety when she's with him?

If he knows that you know he's breaking the agreement, he's going to be fortified by that when it comes to behaving how he wants to in the future rather than abiding by court orders...

Seriously, you're aiding the stirring up of a hornet's nest here and I'm sure you don't want to do that.

The next time you go to court to get permission to take DD abroad, get the judge to state in the order that you are allowed to do that every year for e.g. for up to 2-3 weeks, with prior notification to your ex. That way you won't have to jump on this merry-go-round every year if you do want to go abroad.

There's no reason at all why the court should object to that. It's perfectly reasonable and the judge will not allow your ex to hold you to ransom like this.

Sorry, I got garbled. XH wants to barter, I see it as two separate issues.

The c100 is indeed to get permission to take all 3 away, and I am planning to ask for permission until they are 16 respectively, as you say this is a merry go round I don't want to be on. I have been told I cannot do anything about the breaking the agreement because I only have the children's word, and my own belief at pick up.

I do plan to raise it in the c100, I just don't want to be viewed as a vindictive ex trouble making. He's already told the court so many lies about me, and I'm scared they'll be believed.

I wouldn't first raise your concerns in the C100 if I were you (unless you really want to get your ex's back up!). Otherwise it does look as if you're more concerned with maligning your ex than you are with protecting your DC.

I mean, drinking alcohol whilst looking after your children is OK and lots of people do it. But if you think that your ex genuinely does have a problem with controlling his intake, such that it impairs his parenting ability, then you really need to address this now. You have a responsibility, a duty as a parent to protect your children.

As a first step talk to your ex about your concerns. If you're still worried mention it to his solicitor and mention that you think it might be helpful to add your concerns as an item to the mediation agenda. If you remain concerned, then it would be appropriate to add your "ongoing concerns" to the C100.

(Btw, if you suspect ex has been drinking whilst looking after DD then I would ask his solicitor to ask him to agree to do a breathalyser test, anytime that you're concerned, to put your mind to rest)

Have you not got a residence order? I thought that if you had one you can take your DC away for less than a month without permission from the other parent with PR?

No residence order :( By the time I realised it would be useful it was a bit too late. Getting xh's back up I stole his children, I am the evil wicked one who should burn in hell and is only with dp for his money (I'll let dp know when I find it!)

Have already raised the drinking concerns with him, and his sol. When raised with him he became abusive. Anything said through his sol that he doesn't like he goes quiet and is abusive on the next contact.

However it falls down to proving it. He refuses to do a breathalyser, so it is down to the kids' words against his. I know I have a duty to protect my children, that is every step I take, but when our household budget is so tight it is a challenge, I have been saving to do the court fee, but will still have to borrow some due to all the dcs birthdays in Jan-April, as well as car mots and tax.