Need to take DH to the cleaners - help me please.

[FrankieSaysFreakOut]

I am not the bitter type, honest, despite what my post title says. I am a good person, too trusting, too good a wife to 'D'H and need to get over loving him and start to think about how I can protect myself and the future of my children.

To cut a long story short, I found out my DH has been cheating on me while I was pregnant, even doing it while I was in hospital with with newborn DC3, and probably the past 8 years of our marriage, as well as being a raging porn addict, dating sites, even shagging men FFS. You name it, he did it. I was completely blindsided and now am stuck being SAHM of 3 in Australia (we moved here because of DHs work, and planned to get PR in a few months).

So I am lumbered here, gave up career, savings, all in the name of love. Usual sad story - what was I thinking indeed. All out accounts are joint and we are broke. House in the UK in negative equity (bought in 2007 for our sins...). He won't move out as says he has nowhere to go, so I am stuck trying to live with him in our rented property, with my three babies. He is seeking counselling, he is devastated, he wants to make it work, he doesn't want to lose me etc. I have to sit and be compliant to that as I have no where to go.

So I need to know what to do. I want out, I am a better person that to have to settle for this shit, so what now? He is a high earner, about twice the average wage, but so much money that disappears from our account, hence our being broke. He says is work related expenses, so I can't question but it is probably hookers or whatever he's been up to. I have set up my own secret bank account and starting to save myself, so need to know what to do now.

I haven't the cash yet to see a solicitor, but was thinking about what documents I can collate for when I am ready to. I have proof of his cheating, emails we have sent to each other relating to this, and access to all his documents such as his pension fund. I am trying to save enough cash to see a solicitor by selling stuff on eBay and doing well, will have enough in a few more months - but not yet so I need to do something to prepare or I will go mad thinking about this, Better to channel your energies into getting your life back on track methinks.

Basically I never dreamed I would be getting divorced and along with the devastation (and dealing with three kids under 4, one only 4 weeks old) I don't have the time or skills to know what to do. I have no family, few friends here so no advice save for good old Mumsnet.

Please don't judge, I am not a man hating, bitter rejected woman. I just want to protect a big enough slice of his huge wage and all the online calculators I am doing say I will get, even with three kids, a maximum of 20% of his salary That won't, in pricey Australia, even cover the rent on a high rise two-bedder in the middle of nowhere.

Thanks for reading this far.

Why do you have to stay in Australia?

I think the OP has posted before, and because her H has parental responsibility she can't take them out of the country without his permission.

OP, what would happen if you went to see a solicitor on payday? Before he has a chance to spend all his salary on 'work related expenses'? (Clearly a load of bollocks - he would be reimbursed if that's what it was). Once the money's gone, what could he do?

What about your family, do they know what's happened? Is there any way they could send some funds for a solicitor's appointment?

how long ago did the split happen? Im sorry it sounds like you have been through loads of crap and i admire your determination to make some good come out of this. It might help to stop thinking about it as if you are money grabbing - it seems really clear that your ex has clearly driven you to dire financial straits with his sex/porn/hooker/gf addiciton and all you are doing is protecting your children from having to continue to live like that.
What support have you got back in the UK? could you consider returning?
I dont know the legal system in aus or even if that would apply to you but i guess a local advisor might be helpful.
Any loans etc that are in joint names - find out if you can get your name removed or get them frozen for now.
Does his wage get paid into a joint account?

I don't have residency yet, so could take them back to the UK, but I have nothing to go back to. Lost touch with most friends, gave up job. I am aware these days if you rock up at the council they don't hand over a set of keys to a nice three-bed house like circa 1975, so where would I end up, a B&B? Being forced to work in Poundland FFS!

I think I could give it a go here, places secured for the children at preschools/schools, making friends, I will eventually and can afford to retrain - if only I have a secured amount. I am thinking 60?40 spilt at least in my favour - is this unrealistic?

With regards ti solicitor, I called a few and consultations alone were about $300 AUD (about 180 quid). If I could get the cash, what do I need for the solicitor. Is that what they tell you first consultation. I just haven't a clue - don't even know anyone who has been divorced yet. I am clearly going to be the first :(

I don't have any family left, all passed unfortunately. Kind of sailing the ship alone.

Redorwhite - I found out when I got out of hospital with DC3m so three weeks ago. He has loans in his name, we have joint accounts, mortgage in the UK and credit cards x 2 in our name. I have access to all accounts, even his single loans.

I am worried if I go to solicitor the money will be noticed missing and I'll be rumbled and he'll shut down. I feel I am playing for time at the moment, playing along with it while he attends his therapy, so keen to not blow my cover until I have all the bits and bobs sorted or he'll shut down and be in a stronger position to see a solicitor himself and screw me over. I feel like I have to get my chess pieces into place, before calling checkmate...

wel if you have the children your share will include their share so it should be weighed more heavily towards you....but a share of what? what is there to share out apart from his pension?
what connections have you with people there? do they have health visitor? that would be a great start - get out to every baby and toddler group and tell your story - women can be great at rescuing a damsel in utter distress especially when the ex has been such an utter c word...build up your team of supporters - they will all know people who will in turn know people who have been through this xxxx

You may be entitled to an initial free session with a solicitor. I would be asking them if there is any way you could legally throw him out. Why should he get to stay when he treated his family so badly. Can't he sleep on someone's sofa or in the car?

store a little thought inside for when you are ready - 3 weeks is no time at all to have been able to emotionally process this - make some space and time and plan ahead how you might cope if it hits you - those babies will need you - and you might need a plan in place to ensure you have enough support.... you mentioned your ex is having therapy - have you thought about that? get him to pay xxx

Are you in WA?
Another poster in very similiar situation, she may come along shortly.

Sorry not much help with legal side, think you need to look on specific Aussie sites maybe?

I do know children can't be removed once a new country becomes there home, something like three months in??

Maybe I am being naive but I want a massive chunk of his wages every month for the foreseeable so I can look after the DCs, pay for their preschools, the rent, food and basically so I can live. I cannot work with a newborn and with three so young couldn't possibly warn enough to cover child care (which is huge money here). I am not sure if this is classed as spousal support/ child maintenance, really haven't a clue. Guessing it is not that simple, so better see a solicitor sooner rather than later, huh!

Is there an equivalent of CAB in Australia?

I am not entitled to any financial support such as benefits here until I get PR which won't be until about another 5-6 months. I called Centrelink and they said they couldn't help as I am a Pom. I am happy to wait to instigate divorce proceedings until I get PR and, even though I feel like hitting him with a shovel when I see him, I need his practical support with the kids until the baby gets bigger.

Is there any mumsnetters out there who planned a divorce is secret then hit them where it hurt? Any stories of satisfying vengeance

Search for Mosman OP and PM her, sure you won't regret it.