Ex not willing to go to mediation, too interested in making my life hell.

[MotheringMilly]

Hello,

I?ll cut a very long story short. I recently split with my boyfriend of four years whom I have a two year old boy with. He is pretty much dedicating every waking minute to making my life awful.

Despite him being a lousy boyfriend he has up until now been a good father and I am not trying to make life difficult for him to see our son, as I pointed out we have equal rights so it would be difficult for me to restrict access even if I wanted to. Big mistake, I suspect this is a naïve attempt to avoid paying any maintenance but he has become obsessed with the child spending equal amounts of time with him as he does me. Our son doesn?t have any real routine and my ex will not listen to reason ?I know what?s best for my son?.

I spoke to a mediator, they sent the relevant paperwork out, he is using every tactic known to mankind to stall mediation and not attend.

If I really can?t get him to go to mediation what are my options? I can?t afford a solicitor and I don?t think legal aid is really an option for me. He is using our son as a pawn and I need him stop very soon before it effects our son. I can?t sit back and hope that he gets bored with me and just concentrates on our son. There is no reasoning with him.

There is no residence order in place, I guess I am the sole carer as I work 3-4 days a week, I don?t think my ex would reduce his days to match mine and contest who is the soul carer.

Thanks

Have you been to the first session yourself? I actually think it can be quite useful to clarify your ideas, bounce them off a third party, maybe think about the things you feel are non-negotiable, things you might be prepared to compromise on. This helps to present your ideas clearly and fairly even if he decides he won't attend.

I?ve not been to anything yet. I have another child from a previous relationship and I used to be a child minder and infact a number of my friends still are, so I am no stranger to parenting or raising children or short of advice as to what is best for a child. This is why the current situation worries me so much.

We all know children need a good solid routine, one that doesn?t involve the child doing alternate days with each parent, that is just disruptive.

Given that he doesn?t what to attend mediation and I cannot afford a solicitor am I entitled (in the interest of our son) to tell him that the current contact is not going to continue the way it is and that from now on it will one or two days a week and alternate weekends (Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays and he can take him to school on a Monday morning)? He can of course refuse but what can he honestly do? He wouldn?t take the child against my wishes, he is stupid but not that stupid.

I really am exhausted trying to talk with him.

Erm...I wasn't suggesting that you should go to mediation because you were a 'stranger to parenting' but because I know many people in similar situations to you who have found it helpful. They won't advise you on what is best for your child, but may be able to help you to communicate/compromise with your ex, without having to resort to the scenario you describe, which, in fairness, is dictating to a parent when they will and won't see their child, because you have decided you know best.

Actually I do know a number of separated parents who have agreed alternate days and made it work, so it might seem a bit offensive to make such a sweeping generalisation that such an arrangement is 'just disruptive'. There is also an increase in the amount of separating parents who are sharing Residence/care 50/50 - this doesn't mean there is 'no routine' and there is lots of research to suggest that greater involvement (ie more than the EOW scenario) with both parents is beneficial to children

As you ask 'what can he do', as i understand it, (NAL) when there is no Residence Order in place, both parents have equal rights and responsibilities. If you unilaterally decide what contact arrangements are going to be, and withold contact at any other time, he could equally decide what he thinks contact should be, and withold contact from you. He can also take you to court, asking for Joint Residence and an interim order that re-instates whatever arrangements are current.

I'm sure there is more to the situation than you have posted here and that you have tried to be more than reasonable - splitting up is never easy and if it is recent I'm sure things are pretty raw right now. You know more about the situation than anyone so if you think ex will back down if you are firmer then go for it - just be aware of the possible pitfalls. (And good luck)

Sorry Balia, bad grammar on my part, I know you were not suggesting that.

Thanks for advice, I guess I will just have to grin and bare it until mediation, whether he comes or not is a different matter.