Relationship between me and XP cordial and even good until a couple of years ago (DD is 11). He had a bad breakup and wanted to see lots more of DD which I agreed to then he met someone else and - I don't want to say he ditched her, he didn't, but contact returned to previous levels and she very rarely had one on one time with him as his new GF (now wife), moved in very quickly.
Some stuff happened after that which I would characterise as XP putting DD's welfare (emotional and physical), secondary to his own convenience. I typed out a massive essay giving examples but it is very outing and I'm not sure it's relevant. Anyway relations have nosedived with XP taking the line that he did nothing wrong, nothing DD was expected to do or cope with was age or situation inappropriate and me, well, disagreeing.
XP takes DD to visit his parents about twice a year (he doesn't really get on with them). They are really nice people and have always been very nice to me (only met them a couple of times but they sent congratulations card when younger DCs were born, when I got married etc). DD likes them and enjoys spending time with them.
After the last visit she was telling me that both the GPs had separately gotten in car accidents - they are late 70s/early 80s - with her GF 'falling asleep at the wheel' and 'waking up' crashed into a wall (rural luckily, and slow, so no major damage to GF or car but GF did have a head injury), and her GM pulling out into a road and into an oncoming vehicle - again low speeds. GM also wears two hearing aids.
I have minimal experience of older people as my own parents and ILs are early 60s and I had no GPs of my own but when DD told me this I was quite concerned and I asked XP if he could please do the driving, rather than the GPs, when they next visited.
he went absolutely ballistic and said no, when DD was with him he made the judgements about what was safe and on and on. He drives to them so it'd be no hardship. But he just flat out said no, DD would be driven by the GPs.
So I feel awful about that and with the next visit coming up I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything. I really worry about DD being driven by them.
Seperately, XP has told me he is moving away. Contact will involve an hour-long train journey for DD - he wants me to drop her at the station near me and he will collect her his end. I am a bit PFB still about her and DH agrees it's okay so long as she has a phone on her so we are getting her a PAYG phone for that so she can call if any problems.
I said I would prefer to collect DD directly - DH will drive to get her and bring her back. But XP won't tell me his new address! He says there is no need for me to know it. Is this right?
Would really appreciate any advice as I am stressing about next visit to GPs and feel weird about not knowing where DD will be (though I suppose she could tell me herself, she's old enough, maybe I am being silly).