After I had my baby my husband threatened he would get custody- he said he would make up for his mistakes made in previous relationship

[hatesickness]

Hi all,

I am concerned and don't know what my rights are. My husband has two children froma previous relationship, and my husband and I now have a child. We had some rows after my baby was born and my husband said that he knew this time round he would make no mistakes, unlike he had in his previous relationship (the two boys live with their mother and her partner) he would ensure he got at least 50:50 custody. I left my job and we moved, aft having our baby to be closer to his children.

It has been awful and our relationship has taken a nose dive. I am a full time mum at home and dependant on my husband for finances (I have been looking for a job locally). I absolutely adore my son, I think how much I love him took both my husband and I by surprise! I hadn't been a big baby person prior. However, my husband has a good job and earns a lot, he told me he could afford good legal cover - I can't afford anything, I live in lovely surroundings which he provides for. I have nothing for myself.m I don't know many people here and my husband gets in at 7.45pm at the earliest every night (this isn't a problem, just highlighting I am the main career for our son (which my husband often says he feels angry about my "easy days at home". I'm just worried if we split, what my rights will be. I'm also scared, he has a full time job, I don't, his job keeps him at work till late most nights, if he has custody who will my son stay with..?

Does anyone know if I have any kind of rights? We have been rowing recently, and he sent me some very strange texts, I showed them to a good friend of mine who said the texts looked "set up" as if he was preparing for a legal battle. He had written some odd things that were not true, which I corrected Ian. Following text but I was unsure why he would have written it to me ie he said he played with our son after I left him unattended, which I would never ever do, and I'm confused as to why he wrote that, and am scared. Does anyone know my rights? I can't afford legal aid... I have no idea what I'm doing, my husband has obviously been in this position before. I couldn't live without my son, and if I were to be a single mother I would have to move as I can't get a job where we are currently living.

Many thanks

Apologies for the typos!

I've seen here before that you can get an hours legal advice for free, I'm hoping someone will come along with more knowledge on that, as you need legal advice now.
Sorry you're going through this

If you think he's setting up a paper/text/email trail, then you need to play the same game and bat back denials to him. So, with the example you gave, say, "I think you are confused. I have never left my son unattended."

He does not have all the rights or money here. You are married, so you have an entitlement to half (I think - others will verify) the marital assets, plus maintenance for your son. He might be the one who goes out to earn, but you're enabling that by caring for his child. I'd be surprised if he was awarded residency of such a young child when you're a SAHM and he works long hours. Again, others can advise better than I can.

But how come he was predicting doom and gloom and the possible sticky end to your relationship so early on?

Oh, and print off the email trails, his posts and yours, and hide them somewhere safe. I would also make copies of bank statements, salary slips, pension details etc...

Also, make sure you delete your internet history (particularly Mumsnet!!!) when you log off!

I know you want legal advice, but it seems like you might also benefit from some help with your relationship, so why not report this to MNHQ and ask them to shift it to relationships? Or start another thread there? It gets a lot more traffic than legal.

You might find this useful reading:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links
It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.
Children

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn?t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
www.maypole.org.uk/
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

Plus you will find this reassuring:

Contact ? if you can?t agree...
If you cannot reach agreement between you on contact arrangements - either during a divorce or during discussions about revising contact arrangements, an application for a Residence and Contact Order may be made to the Family Court by either parent.

It is important to note that each case is judged on its own circumstances. The Judge may direct Cafcass to investigate the issues and decide which are relevant for the court to decide. The Cafcass officer will investigate within the framework of the Children Act 1989, taking these factors into account:

(a) the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of age and understanding);
(b) physical, emotional and educational needs of the child;
(c) the likely effect on the child of any change in his circumstances;
(d) the age, sex, background of the child and any characteristics of his which the court considers relevant;
(e) any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering;
(f) how capable each of the parents are, and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, of meeting the child?s needs;
(g) the range of powers available to the court under this Act in the proceedings in question.

This kind of consideration Cafcass will give to issues around contact can be seen from their own publication ?Time for Children?

www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/TimeforChildren.pdf

Amongst other helpful advice in ?Time for Children?, pages 12 and 13 set out the following in relation to children and contact issues:

Children under three may find staying contact more difficult than older children, so particular care and sensitivity is needed when making arrangements at this age

Your parenting plan must be for the benefit of your children and not about parental time-shares. If you do not focus on your children?s needs, they may feel like parcels being moved between addresses.

Your children?s wishes need taking into account. Older children have friends they want to keep and interests that are important to them. They will want parenting plans that allow for their social activities.

Children mature at different rates so do not expect your children to manage similar arrangements to others of the same age; some children are confident and independent, others are shy and clinging.

Young children may need much reassurance to be away from the place they usually see as home without getting distressed.

Younger children usually manage frequent, short periods of contact
best; older children may prefer longer, less frequent periods.

Be flexible and update your parent plan over time. As children grow older their needs and circumstances will change, so will yours.

If there is any violence, alcohol and drug misuse, or psychiatric illness in the family, the parenting plan will need to take account of this to ensure the safety of your children. In order to benefit from contact, children must be safe and need to feel safe. Occasionally the risk of harm to the child will be greater than the possible benefits of contact and it may be best for it not to happen at all or to take place where risks to the child and possibly a parent can be kept to the minimum.

Here are some examples of contact arrangements which cater for the age and needs of of the child:

Baby: a couple of hours each Saturday morning,

Young toddler: a day each weekend: with very young children who have a short memory span frequent shorter contact is better than longer periods further apart

Young children: alternate weekends with one night overnight and maybe an evening each week

Older children: alternate weekends with overnight contact, maybe from Friday night to Sunday night; there could be additionally one night overnight contact a week; some parents agree Thursday nights, which would then provide a continuous long weekend every other weekend.

11 and up: often have sport or other weekend activities and contact must be planned around those. The court will not force a teenager over 14 to have contact with the other parent and at least from the age of about 12 the court takes the child?s wishes strongly into account.

Holiday contact during school holidays can be shared, but would depend again on practical issues such as the parents? working pattern and leave entitlement.

Arrangements for general and family holidays such as Christmas, other religious holidays (if they are important) and the birthdays of the child, the parents and siblings need to be agreed ? it is better if you can do this well in advance.

Special family occasions such as weddings will require some flexibility.
Contact orders or arrangements should always take into account the situation immediately beforehand. If both parents were actively involved in caring that is a different situation to one where one parent has done all the caring and the other is unknown to the child (to give an extreme example). In the first example, overnight care might be possible from the beginning. A parent who has had little to do with day-to-day care, or the reintroduction of an unknown parent will take much more gradual and careful handling. It always depends entirely on the circumstances.