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Original poster

Custody issue

45 replies

304050 · 12/09/2012 00:44

I am a father who has recently split up with my partner, at which point she took it upon herself to relocate 60 odd miles away to a relative. Given the mental health (recent suicide attempts and diagnosis of depression) along with the relatives drug and alcohol addiction as well as history of abuse towards my ex partner I have a duty to protect my daughter.

The ball is rolling as far as social work is concerned but whatever happens my daughter cannot be left in that environment.

I do have proof to back up what I am saying here so as far as that goes I am confident. Where I am not confident though is that with me being the father, I understand priority is given to the mother and rightly so.

If anyone here has suffered abuse they will understand that abusers never change whatever promises they make. The relative has made promises before and has apparently tried to change but has never stayed off drugs for more than a couple of months for 40 years, and the consequences before were awful, and with my young daughter there it is unthinkable. I believe her life is at risk and I am going out of my mind with worry and have not stopped looking for a solution, emailing politicians, speaking to police, social workers etc.

My ex-partner offered to let me see her and before we spoke again retracted the offer, then agreed to let me hear her via telephone, which she also never did. I'm terrified and I just want to protect my little girl.

Does anyone have any advice or know what my chances are, I cannot fail, or I fail my daughter.

OP posts:
Bintang · 12/09/2012 00:55

Do you have parental responsibilty?
If so, a solicitor is your first port of call.

If you have child protection concerns you need to make a referral to social services, presumably in the area the child is now resident in.

Original poster
304050 · 12/09/2012 01:02

I do. I have seen a solicitor and a referral has been made. I do worry though that social services are taking this too lightly. They called my ex partner by telephone and as far as I know, nothing else has happened.

Maybe they are doing things behind the scenes but I'm terrified. I can't eat, I can't sleep, my little girl is in such danger, and I fear she is being neglected, there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

OP posts:
NellyJob · 12/09/2012 01:07

do you have an address for them?

Original poster
304050 · 12/09/2012 01:17

Yes I know the address and have given it to police, social services etc. I can't go there myself without making the situation worse.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2012 01:17

I am fairly sure that this poster is the abusive partner of a MNer who has recently escaped from him.

If you are the person who used to take your partner's cash card and mobile phone with you and leave her in the house with no money, then it serves you right that she has dumped you and you can go fuck yourself.

NellyJob · 12/09/2012 01:19

I like you sgb

Original poster
304050 · 12/09/2012 01:21

I have never taken a mobile phone or a bank card from anyone. I'm at my wits end trying to protect my little girl, I have never abused anyone, I can swear that on my daughters life. I'm not sure what you're getting at but its very unconstructive and is not helping to protect my daughter.

OP posts:
NellyJob · 12/09/2012 01:26

why are you swearing on your daughters life?
besides if police, ss, and a solicitor are on the case, why are you 'at your wits end' ?
besides why did your ex 'take it upon herself' to move 60 miles away?
why was she depressed and suicidal?
nothing to do with you was it?

Original poster
304050 · 12/09/2012 01:30

I'm at my wits end because my daughter is in a very unsafe environment. My ex did so because of promises from a relative that they had changed.

As for me making her depressed and suicidal, she had recently left hospital after a suicide attempt when I met her, I think you may have your wires crossed and your abuse towards me is unfounded.

OP posts:
NellyJob · 12/09/2012 01:36

I wasn't abusing you I was asking questions.....

RedHelenB · 12/09/2012 06:58

How old is the child?

olgaga · 12/09/2012 08:59

Your child is with her mother. Why do you think your ex is incapable of protecting your DD from harm? Her living arrangements are in any case probably temporary until she gets back on her feet.

Have you offered any financial support so that she can find accommodation away from this relative you are so worried about your DD having contact with?

I wonder why your ex sees this relative as a better alternative to living with you?

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2012 10:02

Even if you are not the partner of the other poster I have in mind, you sound like a self-righteous, dishonest, controlling dick. Your partner has every right to leave you if she is not happy living with you. You can apply to court for contact with your daughter, of course, but it will only be awarded if you can prove that you are not a danger to her and that you can behave yourself.

titchy · 12/09/2012 10:17

So you've contacted the police, social services, politicians - what exactly do you expect MN to do?

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2012 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2012 10:36

60 miles is not that far.

You need to get some kind of custody thing sorted and you need to remain calm.

Has your ex attempted suicide recently? You say she was suicidal when you met her but it's not clear if she has made more recent attempts to take her life? Were social workers involved with her after her previous attempt or have they been involved with her since? I think it would be normal practice for child protection to be involved if amother has been in hospital after attempting suicide, what support did you get as a family?

All the agencies which would already be involved should be aware of her situation and should be helping her in her new residence.

All you can do id take legal steps to get some kind of custody arrangement in place.

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2012 10:38

have you actually been to see a lawyer? you don't mention one at all in your posts.

Balderdashandpiffle · 12/09/2012 10:55

SGB.

I hope your right otherwise your posts are about the most unsupportive I think I've read on MN.

And I couldn't imagine you posting them to a mother.

wannabestressfree · 12/09/2012 10:58

I second the liking solid bit.....

olgaga · 12/09/2012 11:06

Balderdash I am also convinced this is a thread aimed at the OP's ex. Save your sympathy.

Balderdashandpiffle · 12/09/2012 11:08

Isn't it best to report it then?

Latemates · 12/09/2012 12:09

SGB -

This could be someone at their wits end with worry.

And lets surpose that he and the other poster you mention are the same couple... what makes you so sure that he is making stuff up and the female poster is genuine and truthful. Maybe she is the one making stuff up to justify moving her child away from a caring father into a dangerous situation.

Or maybe the 2 posts aren't linked at all.
Or maybe he is all that you say

problem is we never really know about any posters genuineness so we have to take things at face value, or question things soemtimes, pass our views based only on the information we are given by the poster

olgaga · 12/09/2012 12:13

It doesn't seem to break the talk guidelines so why would anyone report it? Anyway it'll be useful for the ex to know he's watching out for her here.

STIDW · 12/09/2012 13:08

MN advice on netiquette is not to accuse someone if they are suspected of posting to fulfil their own agenda because if posters are wrong it causes hurt, or if posters are right it gives them the attention they are seeking.

Having mental health problems and living with someone with mental health problems can be very distressing. Someone can't help being mentally ill and they deserve sympathy and understanding. Partners, even ex-partners, need all the help they can get. A parent emotionally supporting the other parent with a mental illness is usually the best way to help children.

Of course there are times when children aren't surviving satisfactorily and suffer significant harm or are at risk of harm because of the behaviour of someone with mental health problems. Then the authorities would look at evidence from doctors, teachers etc to assess the situation and if deemed necessary consider putting measures in place so someone with mental illness has good enough parenting rather than disrupting a child's sense of security. Changing living arrangements is a last resort when the harm children are suffering or risk suffering is deemed greater than the harm they suffer when their sense of security and established bonds are disrupted.

NotaDisneyMum · 12/09/2012 13:12

OP - the best thing you can do is place your trust in the agencies you have already involved.

I know that they are not infallible, but if you fight the system, tell Social Workers that they are wrong and demand things that cannot be achieved then the professionals will disregard you and you will make things worse for your daughter.

Keep in touch, request contact as a priority, accept supervised contact if offered and work with the people whose job it is to help in situations like this.