Confused about my rights

[confusedsahm]

Hi...I have posted this in 'relationships' too but thought I should also put it here.

I am confused. Have been married for 19 yrs and have 2 kids at secondary school. I have been a sahm since I was pregnant with the eldest (14yrs old).

I am the one not happy anymore in the relationship. Am I correct to assume I would continue to look after the children and that my husband (who works in a full time professional capacity) would have to continue to pay school fees and support the children. He is telling me that he will stop his well paid job in order to look after the children and that I shouldn't assume I would 'get' them.

Would I be made to get a job?

Would he have to support me whilst the children are still at school?

I assume that the house an other investments/pensions would be split 50/50. Is this correct?

All of this is not a reason to split or not, I just want to know my entitlements.

Thanks for any help :)

no one can force you to get a job but is there any reason why you would not do so ? for your own self confidence and self esteem?

given the Dc are old enough?

also no one can force him to stay in a job.

but you need proper legal advice about the post divorce financial split and arrangements for the children .

a lot may depend on assets, value of house, equity in house, pensions etc and how much he earns... eg if he did sop work but was massive earner then presumably you would as married couple would have a lot of assets

At secondary age it would be up to them if residency was disputed. At least their views would be taken into account.

Thanks for your replies.

I'm not against getting a job, but my job has always been to be there for my kids, take them, collect them, cook for them etc. don't get me wrong, they are fine independent young men, but I have been fortunate to not have to work and to be home for them. I enjoy what I do and enjoy caring for them.

Yes, we have various assets and a home.

Somebody I was talking to said that the courts wouldn't look favourably on a professional man who gives up his job to spend more time with the kids rather than achieve his max earning potential.

I don't want to keep him from them. I suppose I would have to accept 50% custody. It's just all very scary because I am just not happy. Nothing is terrible. I just don't feel happy and in love any more.

But you said it yourself - they are independent young men, and have no need of a sahm to care for them any more. You could use the time that you have to retrain. So in the same way that the courts take into account a father's earning capacity they also take into account the mother's too.

At their ages their opinions as to how they want to divide their time between the two of you will be in all likelihood decisive.

you posted about tis the other day too I think?

He would have to provide for his children but if he gave up his job he wouldn't be able to claim benefits for a number of weeks and then would probably pay you something like £5 towards the kids. Presumably he would also have to sell the house?

Every case is different and there is no law in England & Wales that matrimonial assets are split 50:50, or at least it's an oversimplification of the law. You need to see a solicitor to find out where you stand and what options there are in your particular circumstances.

Divorcing changes things. Living in two homes instead of one is expensive and and unless someone is nearing retirement, there are assets valued in millions or preschool aged children it is nearly always in the interests of the children and a stay at home parent if the parent retrains and starts working at the earliest opportunity.

You definitely need a specialist family law solicitor. No he won't be able to "take the children" - at their age their views would be taken into account.

Yes he can give up his job if he likes which would affect his own future income, maintenance for and education of the children and possibly spousal maintenance, but it may be better anyway to go for a larger share of the joint assets rather than spousal maintenance (ie maintenance for you) anyway. Giving up his job doesn't mean existing joint assets such as property and pensions disappear.

All of these issues are why you need specialist legal advice. Here is some information you can read in preparation:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)