Joint Custody changes

[shellywelly123]

Any advise would be appreciated.

My ex husband and I split a few months ago and both agreed that the custody should be split 50 / 50 - I have them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - he has them Thursday, Friday and Saturday and we alternate Sunday.

If I wanted to change this agreement so I saw them every sunday so thus making the agreement change from 50 / 50 to 60 / 40

What implications would this have - am I legally allowed to change it - if not what steps would I have to take to enforce the changes.

Not an expert here, just a step-mum whose DP and his XW have changed their joint custody arrangements repeatedly over the years.

As far as I know DP and his XW had a joint custody stipulated in their divorce, with primary residency and contact arrangements agreed between them, so not set by the court.

I would have thought that, if you have a reasonable relationship, you and XH should be able to mutually agree to any changes needed as all of your circumstances change.

It's entirely up to you. The court only gets involved when parents can't sort things out between them. So there's no "legal entitlement" as such.

If your ex isn't happy, then initially you should try mediation (but that isn't legally binding on you, it's just supposed to help you reach agreement). Failing that you'd have to make an application to the court but I would strongly advise not doing that unless you are absolutely desperate.

Thanks for the advice, much appreciated - He has suggested that he has them every other wednesday though but I dont want that - I want to spend more time with them - Am I being unreasonable in asking for a change in this mutual agreement? Please be honest!

We havent divorced yet just seperated

Ok, you have to weigh the pros and cons. If you can't get him to agree to what you want, and end up going to court, you may get the order you are seeking, but:

1. You may not.

1. Even if you "win", the relationship between you is likely to be soured if not irredeemably damaged, which will make parenting very difficult

1. Again, even if you "win", the chances are that as circs change over the years, you will wish to change the arrangements again anyway. If you and your ex are by that time enemies (which often happens), it will be all the more difficult to negotiate further changes.

So you need to think about what you want to achieve, how that is going to be of benefit to the children and to you, and how much you are prepared to spend in time, emotion and money.

I recently retired as a family lawyer and would estimate that you will each spend around £10,000 if this goes to trial. Is it really worth it, or could you exercise some give and take, with mediation ultimately helping you to make any necessary changes?

It's not unreasonable to ask for a change, it is unreasonable to demand a change and not be willing to give something in return.

Thanks mumblechum1

Do you think my ongoing depression and mental health problems will count against me?

In Court that is?

I think you should try mediation if you can't reach agreement. How old are the children at the moment? I think your current arrangement is going to be difficult to sustain.

www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Shelly, I am sure the father would like to spend more time with his children too. How would you respond if he had said he wanted a change to make them reside 60% with him and 40% with you? It sounds like by alternating Wednesday he is trying to be flexible and acomadate you request for every Sunday.

The children are benefiting greatly from being able to spend significant time with both of their parentsand have both parents fully involved in every aspect of their lives.

Is the father actually doing the caring himself? Or has he roped someone else in to do it for him?

What, like a nursery or childminder?

Olgaga - if your going to ask that you naturally would need to ask the op the same question. Why assume only one parent may have roped in someone else. There has been no indication in the op post that there are any issues over the care given by either parent. Or that the children have any problems with the current system

Latemates I am not assuming anything and I don't have to ask anything because you want me to, thanks very much.

The whole point of contact is to ensure the child has a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent.

If the NRP can't actually be there during contact time, what is the point of it? All it does is disrupt the child's life for no valid reason. That's why I enquired.

In a recent case involving a friend, the NRP applied for increased midweek overnight contact. He wasn't available to meet the child, in year 1, from school himself, and proposed sending his current gf along. His usual arrival at home was around 7pm and he didn't propose to make any arrangements to get home earlier.

The order was rejected as the judge found that the child would be better off being with the RP in those circumstances.

olgaga, if there is a shared care arrangement there is not a NRP only two parents who share care! Therefore you're post is nonsence and not very fair to the Dad in this OP.

Yes but in this instance,there isn't a nrp and rp as they have a shared care arrangement. And if for example both father and mother used child care for so of the time. Is that a terrible thing? Or is it worse if it's the father?

They only split a few months ago. It's perfectly reasonable - and quite common - for parents to try an arrangement out but discover it isn't working as well as they thought it would.

The parenting arrangements prior to the split need to be taken into account.

And if for example both father and mother used child care for so of the time. Is that a terrible thing?

No, no-one said that...you are just jumping to conclusions and being all defensive about "dad's rights". Shouldn't you be on another website? You might find more like-minded people elsewhere.

No that's where your wrong I'm not jumping to dads rights I'm considering the Childs rights and what's in Childs best interest.

And surely it is for both parents to discuss what is and what is not working and to come to an agreement that works for the children and themselves. But one parent should ace more sway than the other really

And isn't the whole point of forum/chat rooms to have the opportunity to experience other view points that you maybe hadn't consider previously. Or are you here only to have your opinions backed up by like minded people and tell anyone with a different view to go away

It is not in the interests of a six month old baby to spend long periods away from their primary care give - whether that is the mum or the dad.

I think if childcare is used but one of the parents can look after the children instead, they should have priority.

Mother or father.

Shelly hasn't said how old the child/children are. Unless I missed something :s

But that is your opinion. And I don't think I have said a 6month old should spend long times away from one or both of their parents.

• 20.43 post ... Just to be clear - one parent shouldn't have more say than the other

Yes apologies I got my threads confused with that last post of mine.

It's useful to imagine yourself in the other parents' shoes for a moment. Both parents have Parental Responsibility and equal rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means arrangements need to be agreed or ordered by the courts, which aren't the best places to resolve disputes. Would you be happy to share residence 60:40 in your ex's favour?

There nothing wrong with trying out an arrangement and then negotiating a change. The problem I see with the existing arrangement is Mon, Tue and Wed are school nights and the children could be missing out on quality time at the weekends with Mum. That could be rectified by Mum having the children Sun, Mon & Tues and Dad Thurs, Fri and Sat with alternating Wednesdays.If the children are school aged longer periods of contact and fewer change overs, say alternating weeks, might be a more settled arrangement.