Changing locks?

[Giantbonsai]

Hello, never posted before, long time lurker.
I'm trying to escape an emotionally abusive partner, not husband. We have a joint mortgage, to which he initially brought nothing, my parents and I put in £70k between us. That was five years ago and he's paid half the mortgage and done a bit of building work since then. He is massively entitled and furious that I've made the decision to split from him.
We have three young children, aged six, four and two.
After a hellish summer of him treating place like a hotel, while I look after kids and keep house going while enduring emotional assault, plus actually calling police on him. He was released on caution, claims they knew I'd set him up!
Sorry, it's all a bit long. I could go on forever about the details.
He has finally agreed to be bought out of our house for 35k, he believes this is not enough. But, we have to keep his name on the mortgage, as even with my dad as guarantor I can't get another mortgage. He has agreed, but only for two years. He also said that as he will be a trustee, with his name still on the title deeds I won't be allowed to change the locks. I feel sick at the thought of him being able to walk in and out. In fact I don't want the house if I can't keep him out of it.
So is it true? Am I not allowed to change the locks?

Thanks
Gb

No, you're not allowed to change the locks. And you really, seriously need a solicitor.

We've had a solicitor draw up the deed to transfer his beneficial interest to me. Is this not enough? He also wants the kids to live with him 50/50. I have verbally agreed, but feel very bad about it. He loves the kids but is impatient, controlling of them and has little experience of looking after them. He just frightens them into doing his bidding. All of which he denies and says I have no control over them.
He has always said he would want the kids 50/50 and that he will get them whatever it takes. I was just hoping he would find it too hard and gradually I'd get them back.

Not a lawyer.

I agree with Expat - you need a lawyer. So you give him 35k but he is still on the deeds? I don't get that.

You are not married but no divorce. How much money (in terms of mortgage repayments and corresponding reduction of loan, and building work) has he put into the property?

You agreed under duress - have you singed anything?

I'm sorry he is so horrible to you and the children. But as for wishing he finds it too hard to look after them - would he get his mum or an OW to look afetr them for his 50%?

Don't do anything until you get legal advice.

If you become the sole owner of the property then you can change the locks.

I'm afraid I have no legal advice with regards to the mortgage, deeds etc- my DP has a similar problem and we have no idea out of it either.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with an abusive ex partner. His name was on mortgage but he has moved out. Kept keys and used to come in randomly to scare my friend, check up on her, go through her belongings etc. she was scared of him. Solicitor advised her to change locks but if he requested a new set via his legal representation then she had to give them to him. She then said she could accidently "lose" her key and have to change the locks again.

However, obviously don't do this until you've spoken to a solicitor! I'm just saying you may be advised that you should change locks, if it means keeping you and your kids safe in your home x

You MUST see a specialist family lawyer straight away, before you do anything or sign anything.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

By the way, the whole point of contact is that the children get to see the non-resident parent - not be farmed out to family/friends/girlfriends to be cared for. In those circumstances, they might as well be with their other parent!

In my experience men frequently ask for 50-50 arrangements so they can avoid paying maintenance. They never think of it as having to provide 50% care.

In a case I am familiar with, the judge rejected a request for additional midweek overnight stays because the NRP couldn't collect the children from school or take them himself the next morning.

Thanks for all that information, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help. The message is getting through loud and clear to get a good solicitor. My NSDP wants to keep it all 'amicable' and out of court. But that means he remains in control, and that's why I'm leaving him. I have to do this.

Yes you've got the right idea. Being informed is the first step towards taking back control. Good luck.