STBXH keeps mentioning his parental rights..

[skyebluesapphire]

What exactly are they?

What information am I obliged to give him about DD.

He says I dudn't tell him about term times but they are on the school website so he can look that up same as I have to.

DD went to a holiday club that unpaid for, just 12 hours over three days and they do a little 15 minute show at the end. He's kicking off because I didn't tell him about it.

He says I'm not telling him anything but won't tell me what he wants to know. He doesn't want to pay for half her school uniform as he promised unless "in return" I tell him stuff about DD...

He is also threatening to cut maintance back to £37 a week that his solicitor has advised is all he has to pay. Am I entitled to ask for extras on top of that like clubs after school or help towards shoes etc?

The man who walked out saying he would keep paying and would do anything to make sure we have a roof over our heads is now going back in everything.

He won't commit to regular access in the week, is going away with friends but refused to have DD in holidays due to work, yet says I'm stopping him seeing her. He keeps banging on about how he has equal rights over her.

She's not a possession for him to fight over!

Sorry unpaid = I paid

All I want is for him to commit to regular access and pay a sensible amount to help keep her, as he promised he would when he walked out...

We are starting mediation next week because he won't communicate what he wants.

There's no such thing as parental rights, only the child's rights. Is he meaning parental responsibility? Direct.gov suggests that you should probably discuss things like:

providing a home for the child
protecting and maintaining the child
disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child's education
determining the religion of the child
agreeing to the child's medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of the child's name
accompanying the child outside the UK and agreeing to the child's emigration, should the issue arise
being responsible for the child's property
appointing a guardian for the child, if necessary
allowing confidential information about the child to be disclosed

so stuff like childcare and school dates are really more micro than this. Schools will often send out two copies of letters, emails etc if he wants this kind of information? Other than that I think he'll have to be more specific. I hope the mediation goes well.

His legal obligation is £37 to pay you for your dd. you an double check this amount on the CSA website. He is not obligated to pay for anything else such as uniforms, clubs etc.. Although it would be nice of him.

I tend to tell my sons father as much as I can. I do find it irritating that sometimes I have too tell him the simplest of things but that is just the way it is. As he is not the resident parent sometimes it's easy for him
too overlook things.

My son is not in school yet but when he goes I would tell him when holidays are or that I was going to put him into clubs.

It's a learning process to parent separately. I would ask him to commit I regular contact times and say you will try and keep him informed of term times etc but he can't know everything x

I presume he means responsibility. He just keeps going on about his rights. . My counsellor said that if I have to look up the website then he can too, that he needs to take responsibility for himself and not still depend on me as he walked out on me stating that I organised his life. (one of many many reasons).

I have told him about the school website and the newsletter is printed on it every week. He never asks me anything about her. He complained that I didn't tell him she was in a fancy dress parade but we didn't decide she was doing it until an hour before due to the weather.

Do I have to tell him in advance if I want to take her on holiday and vice versa?

You do not legally have to tell him about term dates etc..I guess I would just do it out of courtesy.

I honestly have that trouble all the time. I think that my ds dad could make more of an effort too find things out on his own but I given we are both going to be in contact parenting together for the next few years I try to pick my battles carefully.

I would never consider taking ds on holiday without informing his dad.

How often does he visit with your dd?

I took her away in July and taking her away again Oct half term. i will inform him, I just wondered if he had to ask me first if he booked a holiday, seeing as she lives with me.

At the moment he sees her every Sunday 10am to 7pm. He was trying to see her during the week, but only for about 1.5 hours. He wouldnt give her tea or anything, just brought her back at 5pm after an hour in the park as he had things to do in the evening. He wont commit to a regular night in the week due to his work. I have stated that he must bring her back at 6pm from September onwards as she is starting school then. He can pick her up earlier if he wants to.

We need to sort it all out in mediation. He has a severe communication problem.....

Tbf, my exh has a job where his hours change all the time, we worked contact around that, but the agreement was DC wouldnt miss out on anything, so ex would for example pick up from different places.

my ex is a courier and doesnt know what he is doing until the day. I just feel that he puts work and friends in front of DD, then complains that I dont let him see her enough

He's now had the cheek to suggest that I take her to him as I "live in a shit place to get to". The place that he lived in quite happily and is on a main road......

I have refused, as he chose to leave, he chose to move 20 miles away and he wants to cut maintenance. i cant afford the diesel to drive her to him and I think it is his responsibility to collect her.

I do think its inappropriate for either parties to take dd away abroad without telling the other one.

I think its important to be flexible if its his job that makes set commitments difficult.

Its hard but mothers have different relationships with their children than fathers and that is what we have to accept.

I try to not get too angry or frustrated with how much or little ds sees his father, it affects my son and his fathers relationship not mine and my sons if his father doesnt see as much.

Parental Responsibility means that for everyday things parents can act unilaterally without consulting or informing the other parent. Your ex is entitled to reports and information from the school but it's up to him to build up a relationship with school, you don't need to do it for him. You will need to inform him about practical stuff such as administering medication.

You do need to consult and agree about changing a child's name, taking the children abroad, important educational and medical decisions such as a change of school. For these issues you need consent from your ex or permission from the courts.

Anything your ex pays over the basic CSA rate for child support is entirely voluntary.

my ex same, hours change at last minute, I always had a back up plan, if I had plans on the weekend.

Its difficult, but its important for them to see their dads and if its genuinely work thats the issue, as far as poss I think it should be accomodated.

Fixed access patterns would never have worked for us and the ultimate loser would have been DC

Trouble is, its always my work thats affected when he turns up late. I have had texts at five past two when she was supposed to be picked up from holiday club at two... he's stuck in traffic, Im at work.... Im supposed to drop everything and go and get DD. Obviously she is my main priority, but I have cancelled childcare because he wants to see her, then he drops her back earlier than I am due to get back from work and I have no childcare so have to leave work early.

So I am jeapordising my work to accomodate working around his work......

I asked him to have her for one day a week during the six weeks holidays and he said no due to his work. Then booked a week abroad with his friends. It makes me sick because she should come first.

He wants to drop his money, but has got a new gym membership, contact lenses, a whole new wardrobe of clothes, holiday abroad, etc etc. It just seems to me that he is putting his lifestyle ahead of DD.

I work part time self employed, gave up a job of 20 years to work around DD, with his blessing, then less than 12 months later he walks out on both of us with no warning. This means that its harder for me to get a mortgage now as Im self employed. ive got no holiday pay or sick pay.... and now that he has gone, I will have to put her in the out of school club that I was hoping to avoid by going self employed, as I now need to work a lot more hours.

I fail to see how £37 a week is enough to cover feeding, clothing, birthday parties presents (classmates), shoes, and contribute to keeping a roof over her head as I thought he was supposed to do!

I want him to see DD, he has turned down opportunities to do so. It has taken him 5 months to get his own place, so he has only had her overnight once in all that time when his friends were away. He has rented a 3 bed house, costing a good £100 a month more than a 2 bed would. he said he needed somewhere suitable for DD, but he has gone overboard. So a single man is in a 3 bed house and me and DD are in a small 2 bed place that costs more per month than his house. When he left he said he would live in a bedsit to ensure that DD was looked after.

How things change.... Now its all about him and how difficult it is for him to survive...... and all he does is keep quoting to me how he has equal rights over her..
sorry, gone off topic there, rant over.

Ah affecting your work is different - when he brings her early - don't go home it's a start.

He has her one day a week, keeps bringing her back late, makes appointments for that day and then says he will be late to get her, I had planned a day out last time so said no you can't be late. He did actually cancel the appointment. Another day gave his mum a lift somewhere and said he would be late. I said its his duty to do whatever and get here in time and drop off on time because of her bedtime.

He doesn't allow enough time to get here then blames the traffic. As soon as I say he has to stick to times agreed he says I am pathetic...

£37 is actually more than a lot of people get every week. It's not a lot but count your blessings.

I think you have to let the stuff he is doing go and focus on you and dd. you can't force him to do more although it's frustrating.

Xx

The money he pays you isn't opposed to cover half of everything for your DD that's what Child benefit and child tax credits help you with.

Out of interest is the £37 a week correct? 15% of his wages roughly is what the CSA say to pay if DD is his only child. I wonder how he can afford a 3 bed house to rent of his weekly wages are so low? Or is he hiding what he earns? Go online and check the figures as he may be lying.

If he tries to drop DD back early don't leave work. Tell him when he picks her up that you will be out until the agreed drop off time.

He is self employed, so Im not sure what his earnings were. He also paid me to work for him last year, so his profit would be £7500 less than it should have been, so any figures used would be unfair in my mind as I only worked for him to reduce tax. ive been left with a tax bill of £1300 because of him too, which he refuses to pay, but we only did it to reduce his tax and for me to help pay it. Its not fair that I should have to pay it after he walked out.

Everybody gets child benefit and not everybody gets child tax credits. The more I earn, the more I will lose. It seems unfair that Im supposed to pay for everything for DD and he gets away with paying so little. His business earns nearly 4 times what mine does :(

i totally agree that turning up late and dropping off early is out of order, but, your last post sounds like you were happy to go along with his tax dodging situation when it suited you. that was a bad idea. you helped him, willingly, avoid paying tax, as it benifited you. you cant complain now.
a week you should have £94 ( his 37 your child ben, and 37 from yourself if you are halving costs) to support your dd. thats £377 per 4 week month. thats not too bad.

Actually bluesapphire, not everyone gets child benefit. You get child benefit to help pay for things for your child.

If he is avoiding maintenance that is pretty crap, I agree.

However, his maintenance isn't all you have to pay for your dd with. That's all I was saying.

The tax thing was to benefit both occurs, to save him 9% in tax and for me to help him pay his tax bill as he is crap with money.

I am now left with a £1300 tax bill to pay, that is his tax not mine. I'm an Accountant, it was not a tax dodge, it's a perfectly legal thing that loads of people do.

He walked out on me and left me with this huge tax bill and no way of paying it.... With a £700 a month mortgage, having given up secure employment to work self employed around my daughter....

I would like my child not to be suffering from what has happened due to our split. But ultimately you can't make the other parent be a good parent, all you can do is do your best to be a good parent, plus not put obstacles in his way (not saying you are). If he is putting his new life first it sucks but your dd will see that one day, it will hurt her but you can't force him to be more than he is.

Hopefully mediation will help you sort through the lateness etc issues. Sounds like you are both still angry with each other.

I hate him for walking out on us with no prior discussion. I hate him for putting work before DD. other dads actually want to see their children in school holidays, he refused but is going abroad with friends after telling me he has no money.

He is putting himself first in everything.

I suppose I should be glad that I get to see more of DD because he won't.... We are going to mediation as he says I'm unreasonable over access yet he has never asked anything!

he has just rented his own place five months after moving out .