Where do I stand Legally???

[katystrat]

Hi I have 3 kids and up until recently have had an ok ish relationship with ex, this has deterioated in last few months(about money initially) and is now on the verge of breaking down completely.
Recently the standard of care that he has been giving the kids when he has them has been getting steadily worse till now i'm at the stage where i'm afraid to let them go to his. Especially when it comes to looking after my daughter (the youngest who's 4). Can I legally stop them from going to his? We have no court orders the childcare agreements have all been done through ourselves up till now.
Any advice???

Depends what he is doing/ not doing.... We all have different standards don't we?

He hit my eldest son, lets youngest play outside unsupervised(crossing roads etc), leaves them all in the car whilst he goes to play rugby for hours, they are dirty when they come back from his, he's turned up drunk with them to a kids party

Am sure Cogito or Mumblechum will be along with more specific advice, but as a divorced parent with no contact order in place, I think the answer to your question is that you can always refuse to allow contact but the likely result is that he will bring proceedings to get a contact order. That will then set in stone the arrangements, which are unlikely to be to your liking.

My ex and I agreed contact arrangements but at times I have wanted to change these (they are more favourable to him than a normal contact order would be), but have held back from bringing on the fight as I know that once a contact order is in place you cannot breach it without fear of it biting you in the arse. At present although we argue, we do have flexibility and if there was an order, we wouldn't. So I would say think it through and do not allow emotions like anger and resentment to dictate what you do. If your DCs are in danger or unhappy with him, then of course it would be best to formalise the arrangements. But if it is really a wrangle between the adults involved, try to step back and really think through whether a cast iron contact order is going to work better for you in the long run. Good luck.

Thanks for that, good advice maybe I do need to step back & try not to be too hasty I'm just worried sick about my kids!!

Is there is no order in place and they live with u most of the time then you are fully with your rights to stop contact,but it does work both ways, if father is named on bc then he has pr,as much as you do so, with out an order in place he could take the kids and have them living with him full time at any point, the best thing to do is get an order where they are with you 90% of the time so they live with you and they have weekends with him if they want to.

There is no official order in place we have just been "getting by" with something that we have agreed ourselves. Without an official order in place where exactly does this leave either one of us?? Any ideas?

We had an arrangement that as a favour to me he was going to have the kids for me thurs/fri during the day as he's off (they are my allocated days) however now as I'm unhappy with the care that he is providing the kids I have made alternative arrangements he is now saying that when I go to collect the kids 2moro morn he will refuse to let me have them! I'm expecting a huge battle over them! He says it was an official arrangement whereas I see it that he was doing me a favour but now I don't need him to do me that favour!!!

If he is on the births cif then he can say your not aloud to have them back, but the police may see it different as they stay with you most of the time,if he will not let you have the kiddies back and police will not do anything then you can apply for a order for the return of them, the best thing to do is get a residence order in place so he can't say you can't just have the kids when he wants, but ask it for if they dnt want to go then they dnt have too x

It all depends if he is named on the birth certificate, if he is then he has parental responsibility rights of not he will have to apply for them, as a mother you always have them x

Yes he is on their birth certificates, how do I get a residency order???

Sorry to ask but if your on benefits then you may get legal aid, go to a good family solicitor,near you, you will get half an hour free, But always look up your solicitor google solicitor reviews and there name it should come up, they will be able to apply for the residence order x

I have my free half hour booked but unfortunately it's not until 22nd aug!!! In the meantime I guess I just have to carry on as we are!!

Well if have the kids they you can refuse to hand they over to him and just say you will be hearing from my solicitor, but then that is hard ball depends how strongly you feel about there care when there with him, but I will say is of your taking this though solicitors then remember you have got to watch how you will look in court, x

Agree with peppin.

If parents can't resolve their disagreements you have to find help from another source. You could see of any mutual friend or family member could help, you could try mediation or as a last resort you could go to court and seek a defined contact order.

But going to court is a difficult route and not to be taken lightly. As has already said, we all have different parenting standards and the court will tolerate quite a wide spectrum because it is so important for a child to have a good relationship with bothnparents.

Obviously, any behaviour which would cause serious harm can't be tolerated but things like watching too much tv, eating junk food etc probably not an issue.

Hitting them and leaving them unsupervised in a car does sound worrying, the youngest is still very little.

Can you get some advice from solicitor about next steps?

As in if your saying that you don't think there looked after then, you have to show tht by stopping contact, or his brife will just say she may feel that but as a mother she still let them go to his every weekend, when there was something she needed to do, just remember it could all get very nasty x

Stopping contact will not prove anything and may make you appear unreasonable. The courts regularly hear parents making this kind of allegation. All too often the allegations have little or no basis in fact but are purely an attempt by one parent to prevent the children having contact with the other. If this goes to court you will need proof of your allegations, but even then there are no guarantees as to the outcome. Unless the court is convinced there are child protection issues involved they are likely to order contact, although this may be supervised if there are concerns.

As Spero says, you should try to avoid court if at all possible. Stopping contact will almost certainly result in him applying for a contact order. See if you can find other ways of resolving the problem.

I agree with Spero that you should get advice from a solicitor who specialises in family law.

I'm only saying what happened my a case I was invoved in, it was used that mother said she was worryed but didn't stop contact so juge said well you were not that worryed or why would a mother put a child somewhere they dont think is safe, but there are alway differences x

He handed over the kids this morning without any objection which surprised me, I think I am just going to have to speak to this solicitor & see where to go from there. I've always said that I thought he was a good dad but he has a new gf & the kids no longer seem to be his nu 1 priority :-(( they need both of us to parent them but some of the things he's done recently have left me wondering lately if he's upto the job!!!
Thank you guys for some very good advice it's really made me think!!!