Getting divorced, 2 children, don't know where I stand?

[miamama09]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this...
I'm getting divorced from my dh, I have a 3 yr old dd and 7 month old ds.

Sorry - long back story to give reference:

Originally I am from a different area of the UK (plane journey distance), I moved here to be with him years ago.
The grounds are his unreasonable behaviour. Basically, when he's not at work he's not at home. Goes out very single evening and stays out all weekend with no contact.
He is a drug addict (cannabis daily at his friends house) and in my opinion an alcoholic (drinks every night and excessive amounts).

He wants me and the children to move back to where I come from, he has told me this. He refused to let me keep the mortgage on by myself (so as not to disrupt the children), as he wants to make money out of the property. Fair enough.
I am planning in going back home ASAP to look for rental houses for me and the children, still contributing to the mortgage here until our house is sold.

I am only on statutory maternity pay currently, which ends in September. After that I will not be able to afford to return to work and pay 2 full time childcare costs.
So I plan to transfer my mat pay to him to contribute.

After that ends, am I obliged to still contribute?

Originally he said he wanted to be amicable. But his actions show differently. He told me that if he is made to pay child maintenance then he won't be able to afford to come visit them.

Last weekend he went out on friday evening and came in 8.30am Monday morning (clearly not going to work), completely drunk and wired on drugs (cocaine, I can tell his signs and also seen a text on his phone the next day from his friend saying he was on a 'total cone down'.
All this In front of dd and ds. I put ds to bed, then found him hovering over the cot talking to him, having woken him up. Dd was asking all sorts of questions.
I ended up taking the children out.

My question really.... Ive put in the papers that I don't want him alone when visiting the children, as he has no idea how to look after ds/his routine and frankly I din trust him.
I'm not sure he will even visit them. I'm not sure whether to ask for child maintenance or not. If he's not going to visit them, I don't want him turning around after a few years having a claim over them because he's paid thousands In maintenance by order of the court.

I assume I have to let him see them, despite his behaviour in front of them?? I was so scared for us all on monday...

I want to make it as easy as possible for my children, but his family and friends have been, until recently when i made him aware, bullying me and ganging up on me via text and Facebook.

God, I don't even know what I'm asking. Please dont judge me, I've stayed and put up with it as long as possible, but it's started to affect dd and he's starting to let her down too.

Basically, I want to know about contact/visitation and child maintenance, and contributing to my mortgage whilst living elsewhere.

SO sorry for long long long post!

So sorry you're going through this. All the uncertainty will end but it's a bit of a minefield to start with. One of the biggest things to acknowledge is that divorce, maintenance and access are three separate issues. Emotionally they're very entwined but legally they are almost entirely separate.

Do you have someone who will have the DC for you so you can go to a solicitor and talk through your situation?

Not really, there's a childminder in my street but to be honest I've already been to my solicitor and filed, I am waiting on the petition hopefully next week, so I can sign then go and look for somewhere to live.

My solicitor said he would draw the papers up with the arrangement for children aspect being that it would be decided amicably but I want myself present on all visits to begin with.
The maintenance.. I know I can order this through the CSA but do I really want to go down that road... My solicitor says do it, he's obliged to pay for them...

I haven't included the drugs and alcohol in the petition, I've told my solicitor, but I decided not to use that unles I have to. But now I'm thinking maybe I should include it... But if it's not going to make any difference to anything then there's no point

My opinion is do claim maintenance, try to do it initially direct with him - refer to the Csa calculator but 20% is typical for two DC's.

He will always have a claim on the children - horrid for you wanting to create stability and move on, but legally he is their parent too. It would seam to be quite rare for a parent to not be granted some form of access/ residence by the courts if they pursue it that far.

How do you think that the house monies should be split? It appears he wants the profit but you're paying the mortgage?

He says we'll do that amicably as well!
My dad paid the deposit (£20k), there is equity on the house so my dad should get his deposit money back and we've Said we will split what's left. I have control of our bank account via e banking so can make the transfers when necessary.
I've changed my mat pay and tax credits into my own personal bank account now, on the advice of my solicitor.

I know what you mean that he'll always have a claim over them. I need to give him his chance to visit them and if he doesn't... I don't know what to do. I hate the thought that he can turn up after years of no interest and suddenly demand things...

What do you have I writing with him? With XH I found email very effective for keeping record of any verbal understandings. It is then record of agreements and if there is no written response you can take it as understood.

Will he be living in the house whilst you are renting with the DC and paying the mortgage? That would seam like you are paying twice and he is doing rather nicely out of the deal. Do you think it will sell quickly? Could you go onto interest only mortgage payments to reduce them whilst you wait for the property to sell.

Close as many joint finances as possible whilst the divorce goes through. You don't want debt run up in your joint name that you're still libel for, if he's becoming unstable you need to cover yourself as much as possible.

Have you reapplied for your tax credits as a sole applicant as this will make a fair bit of difference.

Yes I've reapplied for tax credits.
I plan to take my name off all joint accounts ie gas/electric/council tax/water etc before I move out.

Yes - he will be living here whilst I rent elsewhere with the children. I will be paying out twice, but assumed that as my name of on the mortgage too I am entitled to pay towards it...?
I doubt it will sell quickly, no, nothing is these days.
I don't want it to be repossessed though if he can't pay the mortgage himself, as then I'd worry that my dad might not even get his deposit money back. Thats my main concern re. the house.

I have nothing from him in writing. I am keeping a written record of his whereabouts and goings on, not that that counts for anything.
He only has work email, and it's a branch email not personal, so that's not going to work. The only option would be for me to write things out and get him to sign - but I know he would be very reluctant to do so.

It's impossible.