Parental responsibility

[civilfawlty]

Please can anyone help. I have a Dd (8) and a ds (baby). They have different fathers. I am married to ds's dad and we all four live together. He treats the children identically. He does all the parenting of my Dd - you know, dealing with grazed knees, parents evenings, teaching her to ride a bike etc. Her dad is an arse who has little interest in her or her older brother. This means in reality phoning every six weeks or so, and seeing her for a day or two every couple of months when I remind him (because she wants to see him). He sees his son even less frequently. He has, until wry recently, been unstable and unreliable: a drunk, using class a's, flitting from job to job, living in a party house etc. Despite his recent epiphany (basically kicked the booze apparently) knows nothing of her life - never asks how she is, if she needs anything, what she is up to. Nothing. He also lives 5 hours away.

Anyway. 2 issues:

1. I would like my DH to have parental responsibility so that if anything happened and I was unable to give consent, he could give it. Is this possible?

1. My ex has indicated that he would seek custody if something happened to me. I believe this to be either naive (given that he barely knows her and is unable to look after himself, let alone my Dd) or mercenary (he is skint, I'm not). It is hard not to be deeply cynical about such a move from a man who never arranges to see either of his children unless prompted. I do not want this to be an outcome in the unlikely event that I die. I would want her to stay in this family unit with her step father and brother, at her school, and surrounded by my family. I have no problem with him continuing to have access on the current basis, and my DH would happily facilitate this. Is there anything I can do to sew up this scenario?

I'm really anxious and feel very vulnerable. Does anyone have any advice?

For clarity- ex also has an older son he also never sees. We keep in close contact with him and his mum so my Dd abd her older (half) brother have a great relationship.

I have the same problem regarding useless dad. Iv written in my will & informed my family members what i want to happen to my dd if anything happens to me. They have all said they would fight tooth & nail to never let him take her. I was advised by a lawyer that if i wrote it in my will & my ex did try & take my dd my family would b able 2 go 2 court & apply for custody by giving their reasons why.

Im not sure about parental responsibility. You might find that your ex would have to agree to that by signing papers.

Thank you for replying. Good to know I'm not alone - though obvs I wouldn't wish this on anyone else... Scary, isn't it.

Is there a Residence Order in your favour?

It is so scary. I know my dd would have a horrible unhappy life if she was made to move away from her family to live with her father. Im sure your child would have a much better, settled life with your DH & sibling.

No residence order. Never went to court as he couldn't be less interested... Except now. Worried if I get one, contact will be mandated and not take account of his behaviour at any given moment - how do I figure this out?

Step parents can acquire PR with agreement of all those who already have PR or by an order of the court. However, you can delegate child care to your husband and he can give consent without PR in your absence.

Anyone with PR can appoint a guardian but you would need a solicitor to do it properly. If you appoint your husband he would only acquire PR automatically on your death if your ex wasn't alive. Without PR your husband would require permission from the court to apply for residence and Pr would be granted with a residence order. In the circumstances the permission would just be a formality and it's extremely unlikely the courts would remove children from the family they know and place them with a parent who has had little involvement should your ex contest.

Thank you very much for a reassurjg message. I am writing a letter to be held by my solicitor with my will detailing my ex's behaviour and expressing my wishes. Hopefully such sit would never come to pass, but if it did, I think it is a sewn up as it can be. Nightmare!

One way of ensuring continuing contact would be to place your money in trust for your children if you die & have your dh as trustee. At least then your ex wouldn't be able to fritter the money & kids would still have contact with dh & step brother.