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Original poster

Urgent advise needed Violent EXP

24 replies

worriedwretch · 17/07/2012 21:40

NRP violent ex has contacted school to tell them he is turning up to sports day.

They say they can't stop him

We have a contact order & I have residence.

I'm heavily PG and this causes me extreme anxiety.
I don't know what to do? I can not be there if he is there. Physically I can't take it. Which means missing out on DDs sports day.

Any advice greatly received.

OP posts:
Lonelylou · 17/07/2012 21:43

Have you rung the police for advice?

Valpollicella · 17/07/2012 21:46

Ring the 101 (or equivalent) local police number to you. They will be able to advise further. I'm sure that with a contact order they will be able to put your mind at rest. Is contact supervised?

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering with this. Deep breaths. It WILL get sorted

Original poster
worriedwretch · 17/07/2012 21:49

Contact is to be agreed between parties. That's what it says in
The order.

I also have the right to keep my address private, due to my "concerns"

He's only just this term bothered to find out what school dd attends.

School doing reasonable thing and informing me of things but I genuinely find his constant contact via the school very alarming. Along with him getting dd to show him where we live.

OP posts:
Lonelylou · 17/07/2012 21:56

Contact the local police to perhaps give him a warning?

Original poster
worriedwretch · 17/07/2012 22:00

Warn him that I'm just a freaking jittery mess?

Legally though, he has PR - Im so scared of him :(

OP posts:
Lonelylou · 17/07/2012 22:03

Sorry ww. i didn't make it clear. Warn him not to be making trouble for you. If contact needs to be agreed he is not sticking to the rules and intimidating you. IMHO

Original poster
worriedwretch · 17/07/2012 22:09

I'm
Unsure what to say that won't antagonise him

Him and I don't talk. All contact is via email / text

I don't do contact hand overs as I can't (have been off work for months due to anxiety)

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 17/07/2012 22:16

If sports day is tomorrow then one thing to do is pick a trusted fellow parent and explain the situation. Get them to be near you. Or talk to the head or teacher or TA. Sadly most of them will have had some experience of this and will hopefully be able to shield you from him discretely or look after you if he approaches. If he kicks off at the sports day then the school will probably step in. Wear sunglasses and try not to look at him. But also phone 101 and talk to school asap. In some ways you are safer in a public place.

Original poster
worriedwretch · 17/07/2012 22:37

He won't kick off. That's not how he operates. He's mr smooth. Mr charm. He will do subtle things to fuck with my head. There was and still is control elements to his abusive nature. He has to be in charge and control of all situations.

Hilarious how he wasn't interested at all until I met a lovely man and settled down with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedwretch · 18/07/2012 09:18

Part of me is too scared to contact the police - incase there is some retribution for it

OP posts:
LizaTarbucksAuntie · 18/07/2012 09:21

Oh love, I totally understand how you feel, can someone come with you?

It's really hard when they start playing the devoted parent bit, I used to get hideously stressed over my ex having webcam contact with DS.

If contact is by agreement, maybe you can get guidance from the police by explaining the you haven't agreed to this. Also sadly the school will probably have lots of experience of dealing with situations like this.

STIDW · 18/07/2012 09:52

This is a family law matter rather than one for the police. Both parents have PR and are entitled to attend school events unless there is a court order preventing the father from being there.

Collaborate · 18/07/2012 09:57

I agree (as ever) with STIDW. Just stay away from him, but if he does try and talk to you just be polite. You don't have to stand next to him, but he's entitled to be there and it can be positive for your child to see you both at the same event without there being a big scene.

macinahat · 18/07/2012 10:15

agree with collaborate and STIDW. You've said he won't kick off, its not his style so keep that in your head when thinking this over.

Techniques to try: sounds like you've got some worrying thoughts going through your head due to his past behaviour. Don't let him win. You've moved on and you now need to completely break his grip on you. Long term things like CBT may help with any catastrophising you do in your head.

short term: stick with another parent at the event, let them know as much or as little as you feel ok with, a simple " my awful ex is here/coming today and I am frightened/ very anxious of him approaching me" is enough. If he does approach you state "you are not allowed to contact me" or "i do not wish to talk to you, please go away" and then turn away, i'm not sure what level of police involvement there was so think about what is appropriate. Be assertive.

with any luck sports day will be cancelled giving you more time to prepare yourself for future events.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 18/07/2012 10:49

As he's likely to want to attend future events it's probably a good idea to work out some strategies, I appreciate you might not feel you're 'ready' for it but as he's made this contact it sounds like he'll want to make more in the future. Totally get the burying your head in the sand and not 'wanting' to deal with him, but it looks like you are going to have to. As you are now settled and secure you need to find a way to remind yourself of it.

A technique I used to use when I had to face my ex was to carry a small toy of DS's in my pocket to remind me at ALL times that this was for DS's benefit and to remember to act like the Mum he loves and is proud of. It's not much but it might help as an immediate strategy.

Original poster
worriedwretch · 18/07/2012 12:07

Thank you for the good advice.

Do you think I should tell dd that he might be there?
I'm not sure I should - incase he doesn't and this is all a fancy idea & she will be disappointed!

I shall wear my best fat clothes and sun glasses. I've asked my mum to come along & help with dd2 so that I'm not alone.

In future, events at school (as this isn't at school it's at a public place) what can I do? Such as school plays at the school - would he be breaking the court order if he turns up?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 18/07/2012 12:24

dont tell dd. in case he doesnt turn up.

just keep away from him it should be aasy to do.

as is public arena he will behave so all you need to do is avoid him, if he approaches you just walk off saying you need the toilet.

macinahat · 18/07/2012 12:35

i wouldn't tell her. He may not even turn up. DD may pick up on your anxiety which will spoil her day .

Sounds like the only court order you have is that contact is arranged between yourselves. I must say this is quite unusual in cases where there has been abuse- either alleged abuse or proven abuse (i.e after a fact finding) . You can go back to court and make changes to the contact order (i.e make it more specific) but it won't affect his right to attend school events. If you want to stop him attending things like sport day or the school play i believe you will need to get a non-molestation order with specific undertakings such as "will not approach you", "will not go to a specific address" etc etc. It is highly unlikely that a court would order a father not to attend a school event as it is seen to be in the best interests of the child to have 2 parents who are involved in their life and an involvement in education is seen as very important. If he does make a scene in public then you may have more of a case, but at this time you haven't really got one. The court would still be more likely to say he can attend but is to stay so far away from you, or not to contact you in any way. Penalties for breaking the order are quite high.

I know its easier said than done but try to relax, follow the advice on here. If he does do something then think about going back to court but I think your anxiety is (very understandably) clouding your thinking a bit here and i'd try to work on that or you will be still be ruled by this man for many years to come- think of what is to come years down the line, DDs graduation, wedding, grandchildren etc etc . Don't let him have this hold over you but likewise if you ever see him anywhere near your home or you feel he is starting to harass you then go back to court and get something done about it.

macinahat · 18/07/2012 12:40

he does not need to get your agreement to go to a school event. The contact order is for time he spends with his DD. It does not cover things like school plays or sport days.

Original poster
worriedwretch · 18/07/2012 13:09

head held high, sun glasses on it is then.

god, i hate this, but it is all for DD

so was the 15k spent in court fighting for her
machinahat There was never a fact finding, there was going to be - but for some reason, and i genuinely cant remember why, it got cancelled. There was no contact at this point, at all, and after a sec 7 Cafcass report - supervised contact in a contact centre, then supervised by myself at a soft play centre, then non supervised at designated places, then he was free to do what he wanted, but it took over a year to get to that, building up from 2 hours to a day.

OP posts:
macinahat · 18/07/2012 13:26

fact findings can be canceled for various reasons. maybe he admitted what he did, maybe he agreed to do a course (perp course or anger management), maybe it was because he agreed to supervised contact. Don't worry about that now.

You've done a great job and put a lot of effort in so far. You have a new life which sounds pretty good. Don't let him spoil things for you anymore. Work on your anxieties bit by bit and he will cease to have any hold over you. Good luck !

Original poster
worriedwretch · 18/07/2012 13:51

I felt i was fine, its just feeling very vulnerable being so heavily pregnant (36 weeks) and having to face him, gah

shame I cant have a hip flask at sports day ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedwretch · 19/07/2012 18:43

He didn't turn up!!!

OP posts:
macinahat · 19/07/2012 19:44

what a dick! Maybe he has realised you have a new life and can't be pushed around or intimidated by him anymore so not much fun to be had at sports day for him!

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