Children query and NRP delegating care to others

[limetimemummy]

Hi, I'm hoping that someone can give me the legal viewpoint on the following.

I'm divorced from DDs father and DD lives with me. There are no orders in place regarding contact. communication is limited at best and contact isn't frequent. If he is collecting her from school, but can't make it/turn up does he have the legal right (because he has PR) to then ask someone else to collect her without any reference/consultation with me?
Technically, due to the lack of communication with me (he doesnt feel he has to tell me anything) I would then be in the position of not knowing who my DD was with or where she was. If im rationalising this to myself, I suppose it would be like him arranging a childminder if he went out for the night while DD was staying with him overnight...and I wouldn't get a say in that I suppose. However, just wondering where I stood on this. Would this (the school collection, not childminder) position be any different if there was a residence (or other) order in place?

thanks v much

Legally, unless there are child protection issues, you have no say on who he introduces your daughter to and who looks after her while she is in his care. Having a residence order or contact order would not change that. Equally he has no say on who you introduce your daughter to and who looks after her while she is in your care.

A friend of mine had this issue re contact. Her ex insisted on one overnight contact every midweek - but he wasn't able to collect from school or get home until their bedtime. His new partner was roped in to do the childcare.

The court ruled that the whole point of contact arrangements was for the DC to see the NRP. If that wasn't happening there was no point the DC (infant school age) being forced to spend time away from the RP - so they were ordered to revert to the previous arrangement of alternate weekends only.

Perhaps you could ask around the other mums to see if anyone can recommend a good family law solicitor in your area? I think if he is unwilling to communicate with you as to who your DC is with or where they are being cared for, it would definitely be worth investing in some proper legal advice.

I agree, although legally you can do what you want on your days there is moral issue here. It is in the childs best inetrest that you both communicate such situations as whom ever is stepping in to do it instead does not have parental responsibility and so if there was a medical emergency or something similar it would be reckless that you did not know who's care your child was in if not the other parent. I also agree with contact time, the whole point is to see the other parent. We have this with my DP's ex and if he travels she still considers it his night and his responisbility to sort something so it ends up on me. My ex and I have a rule of thumb now that for school pick ups and odd baby sitting nights we tend not to worry too much about those (Nanny tends to do it anyway) we ALWAYS though if the other is going to be out the country insist our DS is with the other with no exceptions.

Communication or lack thereof although unhelpful and at times can make arrangements difficult is irrelevant in the context of how your Ex parents your child.

To run to a solictor because you object to his behaviour is completely the wrong approach.

She is the responsibility of her father during his time and he should be allowed to make judgements calls without notification/consultation to yourself. Should you decide to go down the legal route this is stated in case law.

In the same way if you were to get a babysitter or a 3rd party to any pickups/drops offs you wouldnt be expected to consult with him.

In an ideal world you would both fill in for each other - otherwise, worry about more important things - your child is not at risk or welfare in danger.

FWIW. I am not condoning his behaviour, merely pointing out a disppasionate POV.

To run to a solictor because you object to his behaviour is completely the wrong approach.

It's not about "running off to a solicitor". If he has arranged contact times when he is unable to be present then how is that in the child's interests?

It's perfectly reasonable to ensure that contact obligations are fulfilled. If they aren't, then it's reasonable to try to come to arrangements which better suit the child's needs.

If the NRP refuses to communicate, the only way that can be done is through a solicitor.

The legal position is that both parents have equal Parental Responsibility and can unilaterally take day-to-day decisions including delegating childcare. Having a court order won't change that.

Every case is treated separately. When making a court order the courts would consider which parent was better placed to care for a child and if one parent is regularly unavailable and the other is free the order might reflect that. On the other hand contact is considered important and if someone else collecting a child from school facilitates contact or enables contact with the extended family it could be deemed in the best interests of the child. It isn't unreasonable for parents to know who is regularly collecting children from school and the court may attach to an order a condition to that effect but there is no guarantee.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other. Going to court to force an issue tends to lead to resentment and resistance making working together impossible. A more constructive way to resolve issues is to find a way forward that can work for everyone with the help of a mediator or by attending a Parent Information Programme. See also Parent Connection;

theparentconnection.org.uk

Thank you STIDW that's a very helpful summary, which emphasises the fact that each case is considered on their individual merit.

Unfortunately parents who refuse to communicate are the same parents who make attempts at mediation a complete waste of time and money.

I do bristle at the suggestion that people "run to a solicitor" without reason. In my experience people in OP's position only tend to do it when everything else has failed - which is why the most difficult cases end up in court, rather than the nice easy ones where everyone is reasonable and agreeable.

thanks v much everyone for your advice, v helpful and appreciated :)

STIDW - I completely agree that the key is parents working together (and I like the phrase "or at least not against each other). It's difficult though when that isn't even something that is agreed upon or even works in practice (even after mediation) :( although I dearly wish it were otherwise.

The thing is a skilful mediator can often diffuse the situation and improve communication so that constructive progress can be made and no matter how difficult someone is you don't know without trying. Even if an overall agreement isn't reached mediation can be useful and save time by identifying what can be agreed, what might be agreed and what issues are outstanding before starting court proceedings. In any event there is now a requirement that most parents at least attend a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting before the court will hear a case.

Families, even separated ones, tend to interact in a circular fashion. If there is empathy and understanding there is positive communication and problems can be resolved constructively. When there is a lack of empathy and understanding communication becomes distorted and problems aren't resolved constructively leading to less empathy and understanding etc. If it can't be broken the detrimental effects of this negative downwards spiral on children are well documented. Parents can adopt strategies to improve communication e.g. focusing on the needs of children and solutions rather than blame. Thats where PIPs and the Parenting Connection can help.