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Legal matters

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What do i do now i've planned to move me and DD cities?

36 replies

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:04

hi, so just an overview of the current agreement in place, XP sees DD (4 years old) every other weekend and pays maintenance. it has been stress free for a while which is great.
i have just finished university, and have known for a while that living where i am is too expensive and want to move about 3 hours away due to housing and also, current partner lives there so will help with a job search and also just day to day things.
So im planning to move next month but haven't told him yet as he has DD for half of holidays, which i'm worried he wont bring her back if he knows (he has threatened on occasions and done before)
anyway, i am confident that contact can stay as is, as i will let him pick her up on friday evenings rather than saturday, and do not mind a cut in maintenance for him to cover travel, as it would only be fair. could he stop me from moving? is there anything legally i should be doing?
Please dont be harsh with replies, as i genuinely do feel this is best for my DD
any help would be great
thankyou x

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:07

And the return journey? You will collect her of course?

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:08

i dont drive but as soon i do i will help. current partner will definitely help here.

OP posts:
scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:09

Can I just ask, is it 3 hours away or 3 hours away on a Friday night.

It can make a big difference.

I don't think there's anything he can do but it will mean a LOT of time in the car for everyone.

Would you be willing to drive her down to him every other time? Meet him halfway?

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:11

Yes, he will be tired from work.... Then has a stressful, fri night 3 hour journey, which in reality will be more like 5 hours.... Then a return 3 hours with your dd. You think that's safe?

scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:11

And also, why do you think we would be harsh with replies?

If it is best for you, then say so. In what ways will it be best for your daughter?

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:12

it can be between 2-2.5 hours, and have seen this with current partner driving to me.

OP posts:
scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:17

So he will leave work at 6, get to you for 9, you will put 5 year old in car, they will get home midnight /1am

Then they will have a lovely quality weekend (with nobody being tired at all), only to do it all again on Sunday Hmm.

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:19

if i live somewhere i cant afford (which is actually cheap comparing to other props in area), that wont benefit DD at all.

OP posts:
Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:19

he doesnt work every friday, so we would work around that.

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:20

He could file for a prohibited steps order..

He could go to court for more access, 50/50 or residency. Who knows? What do you think he is likely to say? Your new partner can't move to you instead? Sounds like it's all about him...

scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:22

I think he could ask for a greater proportion of the school holidays, and be given it.

scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:23

I think he also has a say in her education, so if you are moving her school, he could say no.

Not sure about that though.

Collaborate · 06/07/2012 09:23

The court (if it gets to sourt) might require you to do all the travelling - you could collect DD from school and drive to exP's by, say, 6pm. It is you who is proposing to move the child away from her father, so often the burden of travel will fall on you.

The court also has the power to prevent your move.

Giving him no notice of the move is not the right or fair way to go about it. If you work together I'm sure that some form of agreement could be reached. If you flit away at short or no notice there's a much higher likelihood of that stress free time you've been having evaporating in a puff of smoke.

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:26

its not all about him, i would be lying if he wasn't a part of the reason, but there are definitely more job opportunities here for me, cheaper to rent. i just dont want to be just getting by every month, DD and I deserve better than that.
i know he will get larger school holidays, and i will give this. ive always been flexible in regards to contact due to his job.

OP posts:
juneau · 06/07/2012 09:26

This may be best for you (moving near to your new partner - which if you're honest is the main reason for this move), but is it really best for your DD? As the child of divorced parents who had the same access agreement that you have I'd have hated to have to sit in a car for three hours on a Fri and a Sun night every other weekend until I turned 16, which is what you'll be committing her to.

As for your ex, since this move will also impact him in a major way - particularly as you don't drive - I really think you should discuss it with him. At a minimum you should discuss it with your solicitor (assuming you have one) to make sure you're not breaking the terms of your access agreement. If was the ex-partner of someone planning to move 3 hours away without notice I'd be furious. Might he retaliate in some way? Not telling him is not going to make this easier in the long run. I doubt he can stop you moving, but being underhand about it doesn't strike me as being very wise.

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:28

So you could manage all the travel? Quicker by train as you don't drive..

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:28

so i tell him and risk not getting her back? what can i do to protect myself from this happening? prohibited steps order?

OP posts:
scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 09:34

But if you move 3 hours away without telling him, he's going to be quite rightly very angry indeed.

Then he's going to pick her up every other weekend. Why are you only worried about him not bringing her back BEFORE you move?

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:39

Yes? Why?

KatherineKavanagh · 06/07/2012 09:40

He wouldn't be able to just 'keep' her.... What would he do with her while he is at work?

juneau · 06/07/2012 09:40

He could keep her any weekend he likes, after your move, and if you've really pissed him off I'd say that's more likely, don't you?

Be honest. Don't be the one in the wrong here. Get legal advice if you're worried about his possible reaction.

Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:42

i worry he wont bring her back ALL the time.
my partner is not the main reason for the move juneau, i understand and know how much its going to affect both my DD and XP i have thought about this through and through. but i have constantly thought about him and how things affect him in everything and it is thrown back in my face every single time. i want him to be a big part of her life, and its not impossible by this move. when his parents are not involved in poisoning him in whats right for DD, we make decisions that are right for all of us, but most of the time we struggle because they (not him) want more access with DD. he's hardly ever there when she is at his house.

OP posts:
Confusedsinglemum · 06/07/2012 09:43

his mother doesnt work and often leaves DD in her care on weekends

OP posts:
Collaborate · 06/07/2012 09:46

Look at the research (search google) - it brings up gems like this:

"Relocation by a parent may have serious, long-lasting consequences for children, as well as for the non-moving parent (Kelly and Lamb 2003; Ricci 1997). Braver, Fabricus and Ellman (2003), for instance, recently surveyed over 600 North American college students whose parents had divorced. They found that young people who had experienced relocation by either of their parents reported faring worse on a range of financial and emotional outcomes compared with those whose parents had remained in close proximity to the other parent. The cross-sectional nature of their data, however, did not allow any specific causal relationships or processes to be unpacked.

But relocation can also have benefits. According to Kelly and Lamb (2003), where a resident parent is competent, and relocation improves his or her educational, career or repartnering opportunities, then children are likely to gain from that parent's enhanced wellbeing - especially if the children can maintain a meaningful relationship with their non-resident parent through regular contact. Where children have a distant or disturbed relationship with a non-resident parent, or where children are caught in the middle of high levels of parental conflict, relocation is also likely to enhance children's wellbeing (Wallerstein and Tanke 1996). More commonly, however, where children have a meaningful relationship with both parents, the relative costs and benefits of relocation are far more difficult to weigh-up (Kelly and Lamb 2003: 202)."

Comes from this website:

www.aifs.gov.au/institute/pubs/resreport9/5.html

This is also a mine of information:

www.thecustodyminefield.com/11.html

IME you may well find that as DD gets older she wants less and less to travel 3 hours/6 hours every weekend, and wants to stay near her friends, oncluding at holidays. You may well find that your decision to move results in her having at best a fragmented relationship with her father, and at worse no meaningful relationship. All because your partner won't move to be near you? Why won't he move? What if your relationship with him breaks down? Stastistically there's a real possibility of it.

juneau · 06/07/2012 09:47

Your ex is going to think you're moving because of your new partner, however much you protest about it. If I was your ex, I'd definitely assume that.

But I'll say it again. Be honest. Handle this in a mature, adult way. Get legal advice if you're worried.