Divorced and emigrating

[anxiousants]

Hello
New here, but I really couldn't think where else to go to ask this type of question. I'd be really grateful if people didn't judge me too harshly, I really am just looking for some advice and my situation is complicated.

I separated from my son's father when he was 11 months old (3 years ago). We had only been together 10 months when I found out I was pg, and we married quickly due to family expectations - our marriage only lasted 4 months.

I was the higher earner, so I went back to work full time and my ex took on primary child caring responsibilities. I also suffered from PND so that caused some other complications in our relationship. When we split up, I returned to my home town and initially took DS with me, but my ex said I was taking everything away from him, plus I really wasn't coping, so I agreed that we'd do the reverse to the traditional and he'd be with his Dad most of the time and with me alternate weekends.

My ex began a serious relationship within 2 months of our split and is still with that lady now, who is currently pg herself. They've pretty much excluded me from my son's life as regards major decisions, school things etc and our relationship is rather strained.

It was always my plan to emigrate - even before we had DS - and I was very clear to my ex about that from the start of our involvement with each other. He actually said he wanted to do it too, but when it came down to it and I suggested making plans I quickly learned that he had no intention.

It's come to a point now where I am travelling back and forth to the place I plan to live as often as I can and as it's long-haul it's getting incredibly expensive. In an ideal world, I'd want to take DS with me - but how likely is it that I could given our current arrangement? I'm really worried how it will impact mine and DS's relationship if I go without him, but my ex has impacted and controlled my life negatively enough for too long now and I'm not prepared to give up on leaving. There is nothing here for me besides my son whose life I've already been squeezed out of to all intents and purposes... I'm just miserable and feel so trapped and stuck...

Your son has lived with his father for 3 years and you plan to emigrate. You won't be able to take him with you.

Don't give up on him though. How often are you seeing him now? If you live a fair distance from him already then the father will take the lead over things like schooling etc, although you have every right to be consulted. The reason for this is that the school your son attends affects him on a practical day to day basis more than it does you.

If you do go there's always Skype, and you should put in place arrangements for him to spend holidays with you, properly recorded by a solicitor so that in the event of a dispute you have a point of reference to start off from.

That was the answer I was expecting. I have him Friday to Sunday night every other weekend. School, yes I can understand, but I'd still like to be invited/informed of parents meetings, school concerts etc. He had to go to hospital recently and they didn't tell me. My ex's partner isn't comfortable with me and still refuses to meet me even though they've been together 3 years.

There is Skype, and of course I'll come back and forth a few times a year to see him. As he gets older he'd be able to spend school holidays etc with me. Thanks for the advice as regards getting it documented by a solicitor - that's really helpful.

I think it's bad you don't get told when he has to go to hospital, but it's up to you to tell the school where you are, and that you'd like to be notified direct of any parents evenings etc. Alternate weekend contact is what a lot of parents get, so I don't understand why you think you've been squeezed out of his life.

As Collaborate says, you can deal with the issues relating to school quite easily by ensuring that they have your contact details - most prefer to use email these days anyway. Have you looked at the school website? I know that some are better than others but you should be able to get all the information you have mentioned from the school website anyway.

You can contact the GP and ask for your contact details to be kept on your son's record, but in reality you will need to rely on your ex for information on health issues. I think if you want to be kept in the loop you are probably going to have to take a conciliatory line with your ex, reassuring him and his new partner that you accept they are always going to take the major day-to-day decisions, but you still want to be part of your son's life

I am travelling back and forth to the place I plan to live as often as I can and as it's long-haul it's getting incredibly expensive.

I think you need to be realistic. If it's becoming expensive now, it'll be impossible if your circumstances change. What if you meet a new partner, and have a family? Do you think you'll be able to afford regular long-haul trips at all?

I'm really worried how it will impact mine and DS's relationship if I go without him

There's no doubt whatsoever that you will become a more distant figure in your son's life if you emigrate.

As he gets older he'd be able to spend school holidays etc with me.

Well - if it's long haul, you are talking about summer holidays only.

The real question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to get on with your life and do what you want - ie emigrate - or whether you want to be part of your son's life.

I'm not sure you're going to be able to do both.

The issues with contact currently really aren't that straightforward. The new gf has jealousy issues and I've never been able to speak to her - despite trying numerous times. My ex says she has no interest in meeting me, and for some reason they can't see why it's necessary. I can't even go to their front door, I have to ring from the car and wait until my ex comes out to pick him up. Just an example, it's all very difficult. I didn't realise I could go directly to the school though, so I'll do that in future.

When I said long haul, it's central US, so about 9 hours. When he gets older it would be ok for him to make the trip a couple of times a year. I'd plan to come back here 2 or 3 times a year myself.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Greatly appreciated. You're helping me to organise my thoughts, which is really valuable.