Question about custody

[probablyparanoid]

I am scared that I will lose my care of the DC's if I get divorced. They are between between 3 and 10 years.

The main concern is that DH could persuade the court that because he is not working and I am he would be in the best position to look after the DC's.

The facts are:

DH lost his job a year and a half ago. He has not worked or tried to find another job since - he has been treated for depression and is an insomniac - he goes to bed about 3am and gets up about noon ish or later.

I work 4 days a week and I finish early for school pick up on two other days (so I pick up 3 days in total). I work from home but occasionally have to travel even during times that I don't work (provided that i can sort out childcare). The youngest is in a nursery full time 4 days a week. I have been on this schedule since the youngest was born.

Before DH lost his job he had a full time office job - he regularly took DC's to school and nursery on his way in to work so was more engaged.

Since DH lost his job I have had the same schedule as before but now do all the school runs in the am as well. For the past month or so my DH has started doing the pm school run on the 2 days I don't do it so that we could drop childcare (although he is not always reliable as sometimes he is too depressed to do it). Other than on the 2 days he does the school run DH does not stick around much in the week and will go out / run errands until about 6 ish. When he is around he is a good hands on father . He will make the tea, help with homework, putting to bed, do washing, taxi service etc. Weekends we mostly spend all together doing family things - other than fact that DH does not get up in am till pretty late and has done some disappearing acts when feeling very bad.

I manage everything in the house and for the children and always have done - e.g doctors, dentists, hair, play dates, clubs, activities and childcare. DH is seriously disorganised - which is what led him to lose his job.

So my concern is that when we part he will want at least 50 % care of DC's. He has very strong feelings about men having equal care and is quite aggressively persuasive when he needs to be. I have nothing against this in principle but it is not the best thing for the DC's at the moment and would make life hell to manage. I do want his full involvement with the DC's and when he is better and the kids are older it might work but for the moment I think it would be madness.

I am also concerned that DH would ask to take the youngest out of nursery and care for her himself . I would not be comfortable with him doing this because you can't in my view care for a child on 3 hours sleep a night - but also - paranoid perhaps - but think that he might try this in order to raise claim that he is the main carer (btw - he has never asked to do this). Also when he gets over sleep issues he needs to get back to work so she would have to go back into the nursery in any event- it would all be pretty disruptive. Or would I be expected to support DH until all the DC's are in school?

I would really appreciate a legal view on whether he would have any chance of succeeding in any of this ? My fear is stopping me going through with the divorce but the atmosphere at home is so intolerable that we just have to split.

Sad for you, your situation sounds just awful. You do need to read up on your rights and what you can expect to have to deal with.

This is a post I put up on an earlier thread which gives you the background reading you need. Women's Aid, Gingerbread and Rights of Women also have free advice lines you can call, but you will need to be patient. In your position, I recommend you find a solicitor asap:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance),

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf
DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html
Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

CSA maintenance calculator:

www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp
Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx
Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Support for women

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/
england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(If you are not in England you may need to find the appropriate link on these websites).

The Parent Connection is another site that's worth looking at;

theparentconnection.org.uk

Thanks for all the information. I have been reading lots . I appreciate that everyone's position is different but all the information is quite general and I cannot find an answer. Can I ask any lawyers out there to take a view?

There really is no right or wrong answer. Each family/child is different, and has bespoke needs. From your OP it's impossible to say one way or the other. What you need to do is speak to him and reach an agreement over the children. Use mediation or collaborative law to negotiate if you're having trouble doing it face to face at home. Look on the Resolution website under the "alternatives to court" tab for the different ways of negotiating.

Thanks - I will look at that. It is really hard to move things forward with him as he gets very distressed and I feel terrible. I don't know how well he would cope with a mediator but I can ask him.

Try childrens legal centre they will give you 30 minutes of free legal advice over phone. Can't do link as on my phone.

What has he actually asked for ? You say you worry he "might" but he hasn't yet.
This needs to be clear.
Does he know you want a divorce?
What is his diagnosis and can you and he maybe talk to his gp or psychiatrist together ? As divorce might make him more depressed ?
Is his insomnia recorded by gp?
How aware is he of impact of his depression abilities on others eg does he let you know when he feeling bad and can't pick up ? ie does he manage his depression and keep you informed ?
It is difficult my exp was(is) like this . You do need a third party eg mediator I think to set some ground rules. Keeping youngest in nursery is best option I think .
What happens when he distressed? How does this manifest ?

Ps you ned to be very clear about how much his illness is impacting on dc and his care of them .
I can't see anything less than shared residence though why you not get shared residence ? You are the one providing for children. You still doing lots of care even tho working.

My exp.s mh manifested much more severe and eventually I was awarded sole residence even tho I work full time and use child care.
But as you saying when he is focused he is fine then it would likely make sense to have some kind of shared arrangement with back up for when he unwell ?

He has not asked for anything - I cannot get him to talk at the moment. I just know what his view is on this issue and I believe he will fight.
He knows I want a divorce - my wanting this is a contributory factor in his depression which I feel terrible about but .. its a long story
He is really wrapped up in himself and I don't think he realises the effect on the children or on me. He is unreliable re childcare.
I would be happy with shared care but feel that I need to be able to continue to care for them most of the time and give them a single home.

I guess my main concern is that he does not work and I do so - so when he gets better - would be then get main care ? Or would he be expected to get a job?