What happens when children refuse to see dad?

[cheekychopsmum]

I'm writing on behalf of a friend because he is desperate and misses his children. Quick history:- he separated from wife and she accused him of having affair and on the day she threw him out told the children 8 and 10 that he was leaving to be with another woman. (In the weeks leading up to this they had both spoken with the children and explained they were going to be separating and everything would be ok. The children although obviously upset did seem to accept this and seem to be dealing with it, in so much as they were asking questions and talking about it openly). Since the day he was thrown out he has not seen his eldest child as she has said she doesn't want to see him. She is angry and upset. She won't speak on the phone and her mum has said she won't force her. This is coming up to 6 months. The younger child also didn't want to see him, but following a mediation session it was agreed that there would be structured times he could come and take the child for something to eat and then return within 2 hours also a couple phone calls a week. This was a couple Of months ago and the first visit was great and child really positive with dad and they had fun. After that though he got a text from mum to say child came home very upset and it was awful for her to see her child distressed like that. Week later next visit child was visibly upset and saying didnt want to go. Agreed eventually and seemed to have a good time. Was relaxed and laughing. Since then relationship has deteriorated. When he rang child would say don't want to come and don't want to talk. He continued to ring and try and chat. Mum has said if child doesn't want to come she won't force it and doesn't bring child to door so they could even talk. This has been the status quo for the last couple of weeks, (including fathers day) where he has turned up twice a week only to be told my mum that child doesn't want to come. He has not got into confrontation with her but just put his head down and walked away. He is clearly devestated, the children are his life and before the split he was the main carer. He took them to school every day, made their meal meals nearly every day, took them to their activities. Basically was a huge part of their lives and the 3 of them were very loving. This situation can not be healthy for them and they must be very confused. He wants to help them through this but feels at a loss to what he can do. He will not give up on them and wants to know how he should deal with this situation. 6 months of no contact with his eldest is killing him and it is affecting his health. He is at the position where he feels he can not avoid court as he doesn't think the children should be put in the position of making the discsion as they are trying to protect mum and the fact that the youngest was seeing him and not the eldest, must have put a lot of pressure on. Also he has no confidence in mum moving this forward. All she says is the children aren't ready and he must wait. How will they be ready if he can't talk to them and explain and make things better. I think they are trapped in a vicious circle that is too hard for young children to deal with. Too much responsibility.

Sorry I've gone on! Please any advise

Application to court straight away for contact. Form C100. Get mother into the parenting information programme (both will benefit from it). Mother should be working with father to help the childre. Sounds like she's undermining contact though.

DOes the father have a new partner? New partners are a potential minefield, particularly when they take on disputes between separated parents as their own. Children resist contact for all sorts of reasons. They can often be very judgemental and angry in their own right about a parent's relationship with a new partner when the new relationship was started before or shortly after their parents split. Children often grieve for the loss of their parents relationship and they may blame the parent or new partner responsible for the breakdown of their family. Therefore a great deal of sensitivity is required and new partners are best introduced gradually once children have had time to emotionally readjust to the realities of living in a separated family and contact is well established.

It isn't at all uncommon for the parent with the majority of care to interpret a child resisting contact as proof that the parent who left is so truly awful that there should be minimal/no contact. The other parent interprets the children's resistance as evidence that the parent with the majority of care is poisoning the children against them and believe it should be stopped and they should be granted more contact or residence. What the children really need is at least one parent to forgo the determination of who is right and who is wrong and put the children's interests first.

Children's wishes and feelings are important but they need to be seen in light of their age and maturity and the context of the family situation overall. Very young children don't understand the implications of a decision and ultimately it is adults who are responsible for making decisions on their behalf. When there is no contact and mediation doesn't resolve matters the only other options are to start court proceedings and/or negotiate through solicitors.

Thanks for your replies.

STIDW would it be in the best interests of the children that he didn't continue to strive for access? I really think he would struggle with that and couldn't face that. So what should he do?

As Collaborate says, he should apply to the courts for contact.

If there is another woman involved the mother may well be angry but that does not justify undermining contact.

Don't get me wrong - what the situation needs is a change of approach for the parents to work better together, rather than the heavy hand of the court. If mum is unwilling to assist (which is what it sounds like) she can be "encouraged" to go to the PIP and mediation by a judge.

They have been doing mediation but she says she won't 'force' them. She doesn't see she is doing anything wrong so how could he get her to agree to PIP?

STIDW would it be in the best interests of the children that he didn't continue to strive for access? I really think he would struggle with that and couldn't face that. So what should he do?

I wasn't suggesting for a moment that the father shouldn't strive for access. Rather that families interact in a circular way and it isn't necessarily a case of Mum undermining contact, or at least not deliberately. See how children may contribute towards parental disputes;

www.mediate.com/articles/saposnekd4.cfm

The courts support contact in all but the most exceptional cases so getting a contact order is the easy bit. Overcoming a child's resistant to contact is a far greater challenge and a more difficult problem to deal with than than Mum being hostile to contact. My concern is that by having a new partner on to the scene early your friend may unwittingly be bringing about his own alienation or enmeshment.

As Collaborate says parents working together, or at least not against each other, is a better approach. Mediation and PIPs encourage parents to drop the blame, adopt strategies to deal with conflict and look for child focused solutions instead. If Mum won't agree to attend your friend may need to apply to court for contact and the judge can give directions for her or both parents to attend.