what happens if i die?

[mummy277]

My daughter is 2 yrs old and hasnt seen her biological father since she was 6 months old. He is abusive and controlling with many police logs. In order to see her he must attend anger management and have contact through an access centre due to serious concerns, which he is refusing to do & so just makes 1 attempt every 6-9 months in a letter asking to see her expecting me to give in. I really dont understand it, but he never showed interest in her when she was born so it doesnt surprise me that he doesnt care enough to see her.

My partner has raised Ella ever since. She adores him & he doesn't see her as anything other than his daughter, she is a big daddys girl and she looks up to him even more than ME. I understand the importance of fathers & nobody is out to replace figures but only to give a child stability & love. She does call my partner daddy as she knows no different. We are expecting another baby in a couple of days and we all will be using the same surnames as 1 healthy happy family unit so she never feels out of place or different compared to her new baby brother, it also breaks my partners heart everytime she is called her biological fathers surname and this is not a jealousy issue. Her biological father has never been a daddy to her and never cared enough and yet he gets all the rights and she even gets his surname when my partner gets nothing when he's done all the work and he's the one whose taught her the things she knows and does now to be proud of.

We live in a nice big house in the area I grew up in with toys, garden, 3 bedrooms, 2 minutes away from my mums house perfect for support. Life is so perfect and stable and she is growing up so beautifully and safely and surrounded by love and commitment. My only concern is that her daddy that deserves to be her daddy isnt biological and I dont know what would happen to her should something happen to me. She doesnt know her biological father who doesnt care enough to do the things he REALLY needs to do in order to see her, who can never keep a job, relationship or home and who of all things is a violent angry man but manages to get away with it all time and time again despite the polices efforts.
Would she be taken from the family home, her daddy and baby brother?
My partner and I are due to be married March 2014 (if that matters)

Hi OP, does your ex have parental responsibility, ie was he named on the birth certificate? If not, then you and your partner can, once you're married, enter into a parental responsibility agreement. It is very straightforward, you can download the form from the .gov website and take it to your local county court together with ID and a clerk will witness your signatures, and that's it, your partner has joint PR.

So far as your death is concerned,you can make a will now, naming your partner as guardian of your daughter. If her dad made an application to the court for residence,then the court would not be bound by the appointment of the guardian, but would certainly take it into account, along with various other factors, in particular the lack of contact between your daughter and her dad. You could also express the wish that her dad doesn't have her. I wouldn't go into all the details in the will itself, as that will eventually be a public document and your daughter wouldn't want to see all the details in the will, but you could write a separate letter of wishes expressing your concerns, and again that could be used in court in the extremely unlikely event that it became necessary.

I'm a will writer (and qualified lawyer for over 20 yrs), and have an advert over on the classified section of Mumsnet, "Small Businesses", entitled "5* will writing service recommended by Mumsnetters", if you'd like any more info please feel free to contact me via the advert.

I am not a legal expert but really feel for your situation.

Is there a possibility that your DP could adopt your DD? My own family had a similar situation in that my older sister was from my DMs first marriage, her biol father never took any interest in her. In our case my DF was able to adopt her even though her biological father was still alive. Not sure if permission had to be given.

Perhaps a legal expert can advise if this would be possible and if permission is needed from a father who is barred from seeing his child?

Yes, Social Services would either have to get his consent or an order that his consent was not necessary.

Adoption is not an easy option.

After you marry he can acquire parental responsibility - either with the consent of the father or by court order.

Even without PR, if you were to die he could apply for a residence order on an urgent basis.

thank you so much for your response.
I prob should have mentioned more facts.

He is on birth certificate (could kick myself)
He is trying now and then to see her but is refusing to do anger management (which really is the LEAST he needs to do considering the things he did) and also refuses to see her in a contact centre, asking for his family to supervise, which i already allowed at the beggining as i didnt like the idea of a contact centre but his family dont take any of it seriously and have even lied for him to get out of trouble etc and gave my daughter to him behind closed doors, with which he then text me mocking me saying how stupid i was to think he needs to be supervised and that hes got her alone etc.

its a control matter and its a real concern. To describe his mind is to think of your best years of your life and try and stay at that age. He wants freedom he doesnt want to work everyday, he wants to go away and out on the lash and get in whenever he wants and he wants to have a 'relationship' where everything is new and exciting and when it gets boring he wants out and explores new ones with girls ALOT younger.
When we had bills and rent to pay along with a baby and what should have been a mature relationship he lashed out ALOT because he didnt like responsibility and he just wanted his freedom and he would take the anger out on me when I didnt get the shopping in from tescos or when we couldnt afford for him to buy a new outfit, I even went into debt taking out a credit card in my name (he has bad credit) to pay for his drivin lessons and insurance so he could drive around, he would then take out his resentement on my daughter when she was born by ignoring her and just paying occassional interest as he pleased.

He even hit me when i was feeding my daughter her milk in my arms and after a while i forgave AGAIN believing him and then the last straw was when we hit me contantly on the top of the stairs when i was holding my daughter again and i was barely able to hold onto her despite my screams telling him i was going to drop her.
Even after we broke up he broke into my home and trashed the place and lit a candle in my bedroom (prob the most uneasy thing ive ever seen, nevermind the slashed sofas, trashed carpet and alcohol that was poured down all appliances)
his bail was extended and it went on for a year with police desperate to find enough solid evidence but his finger prints were not enough due to him previously living in the house. But his bike and picture was taken and found at his house but he just claimed he was in the house to collect it and left with the house looking fine.
He has previously had police trouble with his ex before me about domestic violence but i was told she was a liar but him and his family and i stupidly believed it.

THIS IS A MAN THAT COULD GET MY DAUGHTER IF HE WANTED.

I have written some letters in a folder in the event of my death explaining my wishes but I just worry that they wont be enough. Police could never end up charging him with anything, i didnt always report his violence when we were together as well.

could i get my partner PR? obv my ex wont go for it and may even turn up to opose it but do you think it would matter if he did opose? I wouldnt be taking his rights away i would just be making sure somebody else is able to take over my role if i were to die and keep on protecting her.

Make a will. It may cost you but that way you have a legally binding document that states what happens to your daughter in the event of something happening to you.

Sorry Bella but a child is not a possession, you cannot leave them to someone in a will.

All you can do is make your wishes known about what will happen to them.

:-( its so scary. Seems so wrong. Her father isnt a safe man and the man who has stepped up to the role and has so much love for her doesnt have any rights.
I would understand if her father was a good man and decent father, we really wouldnt have any problem after all i chose to have a baby with this man and children are not toys but i really fear it, it keeps me up at night, what if i die in child birth?

catsrus you seem to have misunderstood me. I'm well aware a child is not a possession but OP may be able to state that she does not want the biological father to have anything to do with the child.

mummy277, did you read my post about making a will?

The chances of your dying in childbirth, or before your youngest is 18 are incredibly tiny, however if it's keeping you up at night, at least by making a will you can do what you can to ensure that your wishes are taken into account.