Husband threatening to go for full custody

[mowmi]

Hi All,

I'm hoping someone can help me? or maybe just listen.
My marriage is over, it's been coming for a while, He is aggresive, emotionally imature, bullies me to keep me in line, has spat at me, behaves like a lodger (pays me less than half of what it costs to run our lives then takes no interest in the familly finances) default setting for all things to do with our beautiful 2.5 year old is me (food, clothes, nursery arrangements, most drop offs and pick ups, most of the care at weekends).
Husband will not accept marriage is over and thinks it can be mended with a bit of care and help from others - it can't as I don't want to fix it as I refuse to be bullied and live like this anymore.
I have a solicitor already, trying to do as much as I can on my own as she is £400 per hour!
Earlier this week I made it very clear to him I wanted this over and he has now come back with 2 things 1) he will no longer contribute to the house we are all sharing at the moment - he wont go and I can't make him. 2) He will go for full custody as he has something on me so bad it will ensure they take him away from me, he has no option he will need to this to safe guard his safety and upbringing?
He is a monster and thinks he can use this to put me back in line.
I have a good job and I am good mum to our son. He sits at the absolute center of my world. I spend every moment I can with him whereas his father pretty much comes and goes as he pleases (didn't even bother with him on fathers day - he was away in a nice hotel after watching rugby all weekend)
My solicitor has told me not to worry but I am - what if he makes crap up?
I don't smack him, I like a couple of glasses of wine in the evening a few nights a week?
The man is a monster, he's also told me he will contest everthing just to cost me more money in terms of legal fees and I'm fairly sure he's lying about suspecting he has cancer again (had testicular cancer 5 years ago) just blurted out mid rant about taking our soon away...

So tired, so worried x

Both spouses have equal rights to live in the former matrimonial home unless there is evidence of DV and a court decides otherwise.

Courts are well used to parents' allegations and counter allegations in relation to children. Without evidence a judge will have difficulty in choosing between two versions of the same "truth." Anecdotes from friends and family don't carry a lot of weight, evidence from professionals such as health care professionals and social workers does. As long as your child is surviving satisfactorily the courts won't disrupt the child's established bonds and sense of security.

Not really sure where that leaves me as I don't have social workers involved with my son's welfare. How do I prove the bonds and security are with me not my ex?

Health visitor?

He's due his 2.5 year check - will discuss with them. Good idea x

Have you considered sharing care 50:50? If you both work full-time you may have difficulty in establishing you are the main carer. Evidence could be who takes the child to doctor and health visitor appointments and who is responsible for the child if they are taken ill at nursery. If your husband hasn't been involved trying 50:50 shared care might resolve the problem with the least hassle because he discovers it isn't practical and finds out how much work is really involved.

Well that's a bit silly to claim that he has cancer again when it's not true, because if he does, he'll be busy getting well and probably not in a position to be caring for a 2.5 year old......

I am happy for him to see son, have him stay as much as he likes - it's him who wants to screw me in to the ground and get him taken off me! I am contact at nursery, all docs and hv appts.
I've just found out he's had to take a job which puts him on continental shits which I think means 3 12 hour shifts on (mix of day and nights) 2 or 3 off so I'm not sure how he thinks he can care for him. I have reduced my hours slightly so I can do drop offs and pick ups + work only a few hours from home on Friday so we have most of that together.

On reflection is 50/50 the right arrangement for such a little boy? He spends most of his time between me (and nursery of course) in the last 3 weeks h has picked him up from nursery twice and taken him swimming once.
He can barely keep himself clean never mind my boy.... I digress, surely 2 homes and 50 split between them is disruptive for such a little one?
I wonder where he proposes to put our son when he has to leave for work at 5am? Or when he's working nights?

OP it's obvious your ex doesn't provide 50:50 care at the moment so don't spend time thinking about how that would work after you split. You ex certainly hasn't given it a thought, obviously.

You are obviously the primary care-giver, whether you are working full time or not. Take your solicitor's advice - ignore his empty threats. Children are not possessions to be divided up equally. Your son has a right to a meaningful relationship with his father but it is perfectly possible to achieve that through regular contact. An arrangement will have to be worked out, but it is obviously too early to do that at this stage as your ex is clearly not able to be rational about it.

Has your solicitor suggested mediation? It is always better if the arrangements for children can be agreed between you and a guided discussion in a neutral setting may help you, and particularly him, understand the practicalities of residence and contact.

You need to start a diary of exactly how much care your dh is giving compared to you. And when he (and you) are working.

What about moving out - could you afford a place on your own and leave him with the bills in the house?

Let your solicitor know that your XH plans to run up your bill. Ask her not to do anything except with direct instruction from you.

Ignore almost everything your ex says except organising childcare. Do not get sucked in and start communicating with him on this. He will not get full custody just keep out of the conversations and don't give him the power to play you with it.

Add a lock to your door, don't give him the key, reroute his post to his parents house.

you could get a cheaper solicitor or someone more junior in same firm.

what is it h "has" n you?

unless there really is somethng severely affecting ds welfare then just ignore . eg pnd is not a risk factor if it was treated.

if you are a heavy cocaine user or some such - then yeh that could be a factor.... if you have been caught by police drunk and disorderly then maybe ? any criminal record or such like?

start from a starting point o fifty fifty shared residence shared care - if you can show how that woul not work then present the evidence eg his shits.

but you have to show you planning for ds to ahve conact wih his father (alsmost) equally unless good reason not to

In my experience courts will take into account the reality of life and care for the child before the split. Hardly any couple lives their lives sharing care for a young child 50:50, so it is an absurd and totally unrealistic starting point which would be dreadfully destabilising for the children involved.

And their needs come first.

Anger is often a feature of separation and threats to withhold financial support or take the children are sadly all too common. It's important though to separate emotions from practicalities. Anger is often secondary to primary emotions of hurt and fear or uncertainty and if the situation can be defused progress can be made more constructively, more quickly and at less cost in legal fees.

If you go to court judges are used to separated spouses making allegations and counter allegations against each other. Unless there is evidence (in particular from independent professionals such as teachers, health care workers or social workers) a judge will have difficulty in choosing between two versions of the same story. So your solicitor is correct you shouldn't worry unduly about hot air.

Things change when parents separate and sometimes dads who weren't particularly involved with their children before become more involved. Better late than never in my opinion. The established arrangement for work/child care is only one factor and there are several others in the welfare checklist the courts must take into account. Sometimes even if Mum stayed at home the courts will order 50:50 shared residence or almost 50:50.

In one case a Dad was self employed and said he would be able to care for the children 50:50. There were three children under the age of school with the youngest being two. The judge very wisely made an interim order for the children to live with him from Fri night until Mon night on the condition the father cared for the children himself. By the time of the review hearing a couple of months later the father had come to his own conclusion that 50:50 shared residence wasn't practical. Ok, there was some disruption to the children but that wasn't nearly as harmful in the long term as ongoing parental conflict about living arrangements.

mowmi pleased don't be scared by all this talk about 50:50 - it hardly ever happens that way and it certainly isn't a "starting point" as some would have you believe.

Have a read of these websites, and you can call their free advice lines too for support and reassurance.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/advice_lines_2011_final.pdf

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Ladies, I've been away for few days and come back to your posts - thanks. Things are calmer, he has paid up this month so that's a relief. I'm keeping a log of everything as suggested. We went to relate last weekend and he reckons if we split up he would take son up north with him (where he is from) because cost of living is lower and he could offer a better quality of life! Hoping it's just hurt and hot air??? Will keep you all posted. Thanks everyone x